Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

System

PeacefulWaters wrote: »

I suspect I'd be working on the principle of "all's fair in love and war".

You have higher standards than me.

at least your honest.:D

tea_lover

Alikay wrote: »

A girlfriend, not a wife. The whole point of marriage is making that lifelong commitment to be faithful to one person and being girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't carry that obligation:

Wow! Quite a generalisation about other people's relationships there. Plenty of people choose not to get married for a huge variety of reasons but are very committed to their partner. How rude to dismiss a relationship because it doesn't conform to your 'standards'.

Person_one

Alikay wrote: »

A girlfriend, not a wife. The whole point of marriage is making that lifelong commitment to be faithful to one person and being girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't carry that obligation: It's OK (albeit hurtful) to change your mind and break up. Obviously cheating is not acceptable, but if one party chooses to end their current relationship and start one with someone else, fair enough.

That's up to him though. It wouldn't be right for the OP to start making moves and telling him how she feels when she knows full well he's with somebody else. If he becomes single, that changes things.

OP, its a crush, and you're a grown up in full control of your actions. Just act like a grown up and stop letting your imagination run away with you, treat this man like a friend. We can't always get what we want in life!

DigForVictory

Unless there's something else going on, I'm not wholly convinced this is an "an inappropriate crush". He has a gf, which is unfortunate but long distance relationships can last, or they can survive then crash & burn shortly after re-meeting. Which way it goes you can't tell without a time machine. (Got that Tshirt.)

From what you're saying, he would appear to be be on the brink of actually talking about his feelings. Which is made out by Hollywood romances to be easy & in reality is about as fun as walking up to a loaded weapon.

There is very little shame in loving. There's a lot of self imposed (& societally supported) angst about the right person, "free", any third parties etc.

Hang on, keep studying, don't run away. If he gets that near the brink again, maybe say you have feelings but also principles & if he's serious about gf then you both need to back away a bit.

My main concern isn't the gf. It's your university scores. I honestly neither know nor care if he's all the best bits of Brad Pitt, George Clooney & Ian Hislop (OK so my choice in pinups is a bit odd - I go weak-kneed for serious intelligence). You've got to university, this is not an opportunity to let slip because heart & possible hormones are at play.

If he's actually Mr.Right, then you should be hitting the library together. He's telling you how hard he's finding the academic stuff & how much he misses his girl? This is a conversation to have with his pastoral tutor, not a fellow student. Indeed this "inappropriate crush" conversation is one to have with *your* pastoral tutor.

Morals can go whistle. Your degree cannot. If his ego can't cope with you putting your degree first, acts of folly may follow & for that you'll need the protection University affords its students. (Again, got that Tshirt.)

Get to your pastoral tutor, or even your main academic one, pronto. Keep studying, and see what unfolds.

Prothet_of_Doom

As my 21 year old son, has told his 18 year old sister, who has been going out with a nice chap for 3 years, and thinks that them going to different universities won't make any difference. "All my mates who were declaring undying love when they went to university, are no longer going out with those people, becuase university changes you"

Do what you want, but whatever you do, work hard as well, and get a good grade.

paulineb_2

DigForVictory wrote: »

Unless there's something else going on, I'm not wholly convinced this is an "an inappropriate crush". He has a gf, which is unfortunate but long distance relationships can last, or they can survive then crash & burn shortly after re-meeting. Which way it goes you can't tell without a time machine. (Got that Tshirt.)

From what you're saying, he would appear to be be on the brink of actually talking about his feelings. Which is made out by Hollywood romances to be easy & in reality is about as fun as walking up to a loaded weapon.

There is very little shame in loving. There's a lot of self imposed (& societally supported) angst about the right person, "free", any third parties etc.

Hang on, keep studying, don't run away. If he gets that near the brink again, maybe say you have feelings but also principles & if he's serious about gf then you both need to back away a bit.

My main concern isn't the gf. It's your university scores. I honestly neither know nor care if he's all the best bits of Brad Pitt, George Clooney & Ian Hislop (OK so my choice in pinups is a bit odd - I go weak-kneed for serious intelligence). You've got to university, this is not an opportunity to let slip because heart & possible hormones are at play.

If he's actually Mr.Right, then you should be hitting the library together. He's telling you how hard he's finding the academic stuff & how much he misses his girl? This is a conversation to have with his pastoral tutor, not a fellow student. Indeed this "inappropriate crush" conversation is one to have with *your* pastoral tutor.

Morals can go whistle. Your degree cannot. If his ego can't cope with you putting your degree first, acts of folly may follow & for that you'll need the protection University affords its students. (Again, got that Tshirt.)

Get to your pastoral tutor, or even your main academic one, pronto. Keep studying, and see what unfolds.

I wouldnt be going to a pastoral tutor just because I had a crush on someone. People get crushes and have feelings for people all the time. As I said in my previous post its very possible the feelings are stronger because he's attached to someone.

I do agree about the keep studying though.

Also, in the scheme of things, a crush on someone really shouldnt see grades plummeting. My family went through a very sudden and tragic bereavement when I was in second year at university, I finished my degree.

People can go through life changing stuff during their degrees and come out the other end with the qualification.

I think the OP is over thinking things. Regardless of what happens from here on, she's got another 2 or 3 years to spend in this mans company. Also, crushes can wear off.

Its life. Sometimes we develop feelings for people we cant have, Id be surprised if the OP felt the same way in a few months time, there comes a time where you realise that being low over someone who has someone else really isnt worth it.

On the other hand he could break up with his gf tomorrow, but that also comes with the realisation that if they do get together, then they are going to be spending a lot of time together on the course and you also need to consider what would happen if things didnt work out.

One day at a time just now, he has a gf and for that reason he's off limits just now. Irrespective of whether the gf is a gf and thousands of miles away, she's still in the picture.

Cottage_Economy

If you want to put some distance between you, stop giving him lifts.

If he asks for a lift , you're not going straight home. You're going to meet a friend so you'll see him tomorrow, or you're off to do some chores and you'll see him tomorrow, etc and don't elaborate any further. Don't say you are going to the library to study etc or he will come with you.

Get out of the routine of spending time with him and the group outside of classes, but don't isolate yourself. Find other groups of people to start being with. My concern is you are being used for lifts home and a ear to bend, and in time if you weaken comfort sex while his girlfriend is away.


What's your home set up? Do you live with a different group of people to those on your course that you can socialise with? What about hobbies? Could you join a hobby group and socialise with them more? What about getting a small job at the weekend to earn some extra money and put you into the path of other people to socialise with?

If he tells you he has broken up with his girlfriend then all well and good, the way is clear (but just be careful of the impact on your studies if it doesn't work out). But don't be the reason for the break up. That's his business and he needs to get himself in sorted if a relationship with you is on his mind.

Never let someone so unconnected with you impact on your education. You could end up achieving less than you are capable of and he will be long gone.

duchy

Wow
A bloke with a girlfriend is fair game .....Really ? Just so long as they actually haven't made their relationship legal ?

Sorry I'm with the OP - Whilst a bloke is in a relationship-he's off limits-married or not. If he's genuinely interested in forming a relationship with me he can tidy up his affairs (no pun intended) and end his relationship first rather than hedge his bets.

OP I do understand the mature student thing....but I think you are in your first year so if this all goes wrong you have two years of seeing him at uni (hopefully you're not doing all the same modules next year too !!).
If he always sits with you in lectures ....sit with other students so there isn't a spare seat right next to you, if he asks for a lift home "Sorry I'm not going straight home " . If you WANT to avoid him -you certainly can......Frankly I don't think you do .........so surely your next step is to bring conversation around to other people's relations (easy to do in a uni setting) and mention that you could never date anyone who was still in another relationship. No need to make a big thing of it -just make sure he hears . The alternative is to simply next time it is just the two of you -be blunt. Ask him about his relationship- and their plans for the future-and see what he says.

FBaby

Either way it looks like a friendship is not on the books any longer as OP understandably can't core with the status quo. Easier to move on if he tells get he is not interested in anything more because he is committed to his girlfriend rather than always wondering what if. If he were to admit that her feelings are reciprocated she then has control to say to him nothing can happen unless his relationship is over.

paulineb_2

Id also be concerned if someone wanted to start a relationship 2 minutes after finishing with a gf, long distance or not.