Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

vanessav

You are getting 'closer and closer', you are having 'deep and meaningful conversations' which make you 'bond even more'. You sit together at every opportunity, 'he seems determined to spend time with' you and you 'adore spending time with' him. Last night, you sat in the car together chatting for ages and he was reluctant to leave you - coming back to squeeze your hand. You are acting 'more like boyfriend and girlfriend' and he gives you long hugs.
Does he tell his girlfriend these things over Skype? If she knew, would she see you as the 'other woman'?
Sounds very much like an emotional affair and things could easily get physical.
You need to take control. Tell him your relationship with him feels inappropriate because of his girlfriend.
If he wants you, he needs to do the decent thing by said girlfriend and free her to have a 'real life' relationship of her own.
Then he will be free for you - if that is what you want.

Alikay

tea_lover wrote: »

Wow! Quite a generalisation about other people's relationships there. Plenty of people choose not to get married for a huge variety of reasons but are very committed to their partner. How rude to dismiss a relationship because it doesn't conform to your 'standards'.

Some of the rudest comments I've read start with the phrase "How rude...". I was not being intentionally rude: This is an open forum and I was giving my opinion (which is only an opinion, not a proposal for legislation ) that the guy is still technically single. I did also say that I considered cheating wrong. Oh, and the OP referred to the other girl as a girlfriend which is generally used in the case of a less committed relationship rather than partner, which is more ambiguous, but often implies a shared home, life and kids etc.

Nowhere did I suggest that the guy was fair game and that the OP should suddenly hit on him. More that in my opinion (and mine only:D) she didn't have any moral obligation to do anything to change her feelings.

FWIW, if she does want to alter her feelings, I've been told that if you want to get over someone, imagining them on the loo every time you think of them can be helpful. :rotfl:

Thomas_The_Tank_Top

Have I just landed in a Mills & Boon novel?

System

FWIW, if she does want to alter her feelings, I've been told that if you want to get over someone, imagining them on the loo every time you think of them can be helpful. :rotfl:

Or given time she will see something in his character that she doesn't like.

tea_lover

Alikay wrote: »

This is an open forum and I was giving my opinion (which is only an opinion, not a proposal for legislation ) that the guy is still technically single.

We'll clearly have to agree to disagree as I would never for a second consider someone with a gf (or bf) to be single. I think that's incredibly rude. I'm sure his gf doesn't think that he's single, it doesn't sound like he thinks that he's single, and (thank goodness) the OP clearly has enough respect for herself and others to not think of him as single.

duchy

So how do you "always end up in the corner having deep and meaningful conversations" if you don't want to ?

Listen Sweetie-I am also a mature student and I understand the mature students hang together dynamic BUT no-one is forcing you into the corner with him, no one is forcing you to exclude the rest of the group and only speak to each other (although they've probably decided by now that's how you want it and left you to get on with it to a degree). You are acting like a couple within a group dynamic -If that is what you want...fine. If it isn't then connect better with the rest of the group and not break off and leave them whilst you huddle in the corner together for cosy chats. You are giving them....and him a very different message to what you are saying in your opening post by your actions.

Rachylou1981

I think just telling him that you are worried about your closeness because of him having a girlfriend and the comments from people such as 'get a room' are bothering you will be enough to make him realise that you backing off is not intentionally mean/standoffish but is setting a boundary. Whether he is comfortable with the situation is irrelevant, you are not and we presume his gf wouldn't be either (even if he says she is fine with it - she probably doesn't know half of it).

On the other side of it, do you ever date? Talk about dating/relationships with him? It would be interesting to hear his reaction to this type of conversation. The comment about him being angry at you on occasion and bringing his girlfriend up snappily sounds like he is either beating himself up for being too close to you and is reminding himself and you of her existence or he is jealous of something you are doing and is bringing her up to upset you.

Alikay

tea_lover wrote: »

We'll clearly have to agree to disagree as I would never for a second consider someone with a gf (or bf) to be single. I think that's incredibly rude.

Different people have different values and norms which are influenced by their experiences and background, some of which may be considered odd, even rude, by others. The op was asking for opinions, of which yours and mine clearly have some degree of separation. Incidently, why did you refer to my standards as "standards", in inverted comma's in your previous post? I think that is a bit rude .

neneromanova

WHy not just tell him the truth? You say you have deep meaningful conversations, just say to him "Look, I really love spending time with you but at the moment I'm getting some really deep feelings for you when I know I shouldn't as you have a girlfriend. Can we try and cool it down a little bit so I can sort these feelings out please." That way he knows you like him and you're not willing to do anything with the girlfriend in the picture. Then it's up to him how he handles everything

RuthnJasper

Personally, I would bite the bullet and tell him. Yes, it might backfire - but then at least you'll know and can then stop tormenting yourself and learn to move on with your feelings.

Easier said than done, I appreciate - but it is a step that can move this on further. It does sound like there is a connection between the OP and the chap of some sort, and he sounds nice. I'm sure he wouldn't be harsh or cruel if the OP has a frank chat with him.

Can't speak for the g/f, except to say that she's a grown woman who has to take life's developments as much as the OP does and accept that some things don't always turn out as expected.

I think the OP should at least be open and clear and not waste an opportunity that both she and the chap may possibly come to regret in future...

Good luck OP. x