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Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?
Copperplate
Posts: 58 Forumite
Hi,
Long-time MSE’r here but having to post under an alias as, quite frankly, I am ashamed of how I’m feeling right now.
What I’m looking for is some advice as to how to make the pain of falling for someone you can’t have go away.
In September, I started university as a mature (late 20’s) student. There are quite a few of us on the course who are mature students and we all hang out together. Since then my bond with one of the men who is the same age has just grown. Up until January, it was completely a friendship and that was all. I have had many platonic male friends over the years and happily nothing has ever come of it. He is in a long distance relationship. Basically, we have become very close friends and our bond has just continued to grow but to the point where it is no longer just a friendship on my behalf.
I want to state now that I KNOW THAT NOTHING CAN EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US and I do not intend on ever acting on my feelings for him. I would never ever break up a relationship and even if the feeling was mutual, I know that he is not the type of guy who would cheat (and I’m not the type of girl who could ever be the “other woman”).
If this was any other situation, I would just start completely avoiding him and put some distance between us. However, I have to see him every single weekday and some weekends if we do something social as a group. To make matters worse, even when I try to avoid him he quite often tries to come with me. I’ve started going out at lunch on my own rather than eating in the refectory just to get away from him and my feelings for him.
When he sees me leaving, he asks where I’m going, smiles the most beautiful smile and asks if he can come with me. And I don’t want to be rude, so I say yes and then instead of putting up distance between us, we end up getting closer together and having deeper more meaningful conversations which make us bond even more. He sits next to me in every lecture/seminar/group tutorial/workshop. Over the past couple of weeks he’s started asking me for lifts home (I drive past his house on the way to mine so it seems mean to say no). The harder I try to avoid him, the more he seems to be determined to spend time with me. And the truth is, the biggest part of me adores spending time with him.
The main reason I’ve posted tonight is because after I gave him a lift home this evening, he sat in my car for ages chatting about how hard he is finding the academic side of things and he was quite down. I was being supportive giving him a pep talk. There was a long silence and I wondered why he wasn’t getting out the car. When he finally did, he stopped and turned back around, reached back in the car and squeezed my hand tight before he walked into his house. It was like he wanted to say something but couldn’t. It’s this kind of thing that’s killing me. I have genuinely fallen for him hard and I’ve spent the past three nights in tears because I hate feeling this way for someone I can’t be with and I want it to go away. I also hate the fact that I’m a grown woman feeling and acting like a stupid, miserable teenager.
Sometimes I wonder if he’s just close to me because he misses his girlfriend and I’m some sort of female substitute. She lives in Thailand and he won’t see her in person until the summer when she comes to visit. By that time he won’t have seen her for almost a year. He talks about her all the time to me. Despite this, I can’t help but feel he is being a bit silly/naive. For example, when we are all out in the pub in a group, I keep catching him staring at me. He is never “sexual” or flirty around me in any way but he does quite often hug me in what I’m sure he thinks is a brotherly way but which is making things harder for me. It's getting worse, like the incident in the car I mention above. It’s got to the point where, in every way except the physical, we are acting more like boyfriend and girlfriend and less like friends. Lots of “get a room” type comments are cropping up amongst our peers which, for me at least, are getting harder to laugh off.
I’m determined not to hurt anyone else (i.e him or his girlfriend) but right now, I am hurting. I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone before. I’m trying hard to make my feelings for him go away but not doing a good job. Any advice I can find says to avoid the person but that isn’t an option given the fact we have no choice but to be in each others company for the course 40 hours a week. Now it’s getting to the point where I feel like isolating myself further from the group socially so I don’t have to see him at weekends/lunchtimes etc.
What can I do? And how can I stop feeling so sad/guilty about my feelings for him? I'd really appreciate any practical suggestions.
Long-time MSE’r here but having to post under an alias as, quite frankly, I am ashamed of how I’m feeling right now.
What I’m looking for is some advice as to how to make the pain of falling for someone you can’t have go away.
In September, I started university as a mature (late 20’s) student. There are quite a few of us on the course who are mature students and we all hang out together. Since then my bond with one of the men who is the same age has just grown. Up until January, it was completely a friendship and that was all. I have had many platonic male friends over the years and happily nothing has ever come of it. He is in a long distance relationship. Basically, we have become very close friends and our bond has just continued to grow but to the point where it is no longer just a friendship on my behalf.
I want to state now that I KNOW THAT NOTHING CAN EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US and I do not intend on ever acting on my feelings for him. I would never ever break up a relationship and even if the feeling was mutual, I know that he is not the type of guy who would cheat (and I’m not the type of girl who could ever be the “other woman”).
If this was any other situation, I would just start completely avoiding him and put some distance between us. However, I have to see him every single weekday and some weekends if we do something social as a group. To make matters worse, even when I try to avoid him he quite often tries to come with me. I’ve started going out at lunch on my own rather than eating in the refectory just to get away from him and my feelings for him.
When he sees me leaving, he asks where I’m going, smiles the most beautiful smile and asks if he can come with me. And I don’t want to be rude, so I say yes and then instead of putting up distance between us, we end up getting closer together and having deeper more meaningful conversations which make us bond even more. He sits next to me in every lecture/seminar/group tutorial/workshop. Over the past couple of weeks he’s started asking me for lifts home (I drive past his house on the way to mine so it seems mean to say no). The harder I try to avoid him, the more he seems to be determined to spend time with me. And the truth is, the biggest part of me adores spending time with him.
The main reason I’ve posted tonight is because after I gave him a lift home this evening, he sat in my car for ages chatting about how hard he is finding the academic side of things and he was quite down. I was being supportive giving him a pep talk. There was a long silence and I wondered why he wasn’t getting out the car. When he finally did, he stopped and turned back around, reached back in the car and squeezed my hand tight before he walked into his house. It was like he wanted to say something but couldn’t. It’s this kind of thing that’s killing me. I have genuinely fallen for him hard and I’ve spent the past three nights in tears because I hate feeling this way for someone I can’t be with and I want it to go away. I also hate the fact that I’m a grown woman feeling and acting like a stupid, miserable teenager.
Sometimes I wonder if he’s just close to me because he misses his girlfriend and I’m some sort of female substitute. She lives in Thailand and he won’t see her in person until the summer when she comes to visit. By that time he won’t have seen her for almost a year. He talks about her all the time to me. Despite this, I can’t help but feel he is being a bit silly/naive. For example, when we are all out in the pub in a group, I keep catching him staring at me. He is never “sexual” or flirty around me in any way but he does quite often hug me in what I’m sure he thinks is a brotherly way but which is making things harder for me. It's getting worse, like the incident in the car I mention above. It’s got to the point where, in every way except the physical, we are acting more like boyfriend and girlfriend and less like friends. Lots of “get a room” type comments are cropping up amongst our peers which, for me at least, are getting harder to laugh off.
I’m determined not to hurt anyone else (i.e him or his girlfriend) but right now, I am hurting. I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone before. I’m trying hard to make my feelings for him go away but not doing a good job. Any advice I can find says to avoid the person but that isn’t an option given the fact we have no choice but to be in each others company for the course 40 hours a week. Now it’s getting to the point where I feel like isolating myself further from the group socially so I don’t have to see him at weekends/lunchtimes etc.
What can I do? And how can I stop feeling so sad/guilty about my feelings for him? I'd really appreciate any practical suggestions.
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Comments
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Eat lots of garlic and use a cheap nasty perfume so you smell bad and he will be naturally repelled by your grotesque odour. That is the best i can do.Copperplate wrote: »Hi,
Long-time MSE’r here but having to post under an alias as, quite frankly, I am ashamed of how I’m feeling right now.
What I’m looking for is some advice as to how to make the pain of falling for someone you can’t have go away.
In September, I started university as a mature (late 20’s) student. There are quite a few of us on the course who are mature students and we all hang out together. Since then my bond with one of the men who is the same age has just grown. Up until January, it was completely a friendship and that was all. I have had many platonic male friends over the years and happily nothing has ever come of it. He is in a long distance relationship. Basically, we have become very close friends and our bond has just continued to grow but to the point where it is no longer just a friendship on my behalf.
I want to state now that I KNOW THAT NOTHING CAN EVER HAPPEN BETWEEN US and I do not intend on ever acting on my feelings for him. I would never ever break up a relationship and even if the feeling was mutual, I know that he is not the type of guy who would cheat (and I’m not the type of girl who could ever be the “other woman”).
If this was any other situation, I would just start completely avoiding him and put some distance between us. However, I have to see him every single weekday and some weekends if we do something social as a group. To make matters worse, even when I try to avoid him he quite often tries to come with me. I’ve started going out at lunch on my own rather than eating in the refectory just to get away from him and my feelings for him.
When he sees me leaving, he asks where I’m going, smiles the most beautiful smile and asks if he can come with me. And I don’t want to be rude, so I say yes and then instead of putting up distance between us, we end up getting closer together and having deeper more meaningful conversations which make us bond even more. He sits next to me in every lecture/seminar/group tutorial/workshop. Over the past couple of weeks he’s started asking me for lifts home (I drive past his house on the way to mine so it seems mean to say no). The harder I try to avoid him, the more he seems to be determined to spend time with me. And the truth is, the biggest part of me adores spending time with him.
The main reason I’ve posted tonight is because after I gave him a lift home this evening, he sat in my car for ages chatting about how hard he is finding the academic side of things and he was quite down. I was being supportive giving him a pep talk. There was a long silence and I wondered why he wasn’t getting out the car. When he finally did, he stopped and turned back around, reached back in the car and squeezed my hand tight before he walked into his house. It was like he wanted to say something but couldn’t. It’s this kind of thing that’s killing me. I have genuinely fallen for him hard and I’ve spent the past three nights in tears because I hate feeling this way for someone I can’t be with and I want it to go away. I also hate the fact that I’m a grown woman feeling and acting like a stupid, miserable teenager.
Sometimes I wonder if he’s just close to me because he misses his girlfriend and I’m some sort of female substitute. She lives in Thailand and he won’t see her in person until the summer when she comes to visit. By that time he won’t have seen her for almost a year. He talks about her all the time to me. Despite this, I can’t help but feel he is being a bit silly/naive. For example, when we are all out in the pub in a group, I keep catching him staring at me. He is never “sexual” or flirty around me in any way but he does quite often hug me in what I’m sure he thinks is a brotherly way but which is making things harder for me. It's getting worse, like the incident in the car I mention above. It’s got to the point where, in every way except the physical, we are acting more like boyfriend and girlfriend and less like friends. Lots of “get a room” type comments are cropping up amongst our peers which, for me at least, are getting harder to laugh off.
I’m determined not to hurt anyone else (i.e him or his girlfriend) but right now, I am hurting. I don't think I've ever felt this way about anyone before. I’m trying hard to make my feelings for him go away but not doing a good job. Any advice I can find says to avoid the person but that isn’t an option given the fact we have no choice but to be in each others company for the course 40 hours a week. Now it’s getting to the point where I feel like isolating myself further from the group socially so I don’t have to see him at weekends/lunchtimes etc.
What can I do? And how can I stop feeling so sad/guilty about my feelings for him? I'd really appreciate any practical suggestions.Actions have reactions,
dont be quick to judge. You may not know the hardships people dont speak of
Its best to step back, and observe with couth
For we all must meet our moment of truth
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All I could suggest is focussing harder on your studies/course, really get into them and make them your passion, spend as much time as you can researching, reading and so on.
In time you'll become more passionate and obsessed about your studies and your passion for this guy will reduce.
The trick is to keep your mind busy, so if studying doesn't do it for you then take up a new hobby or something. For a cheap (maybe productive) hobby that easily becomes an obsession, try entering the free competitions on here or getting into the 'up your income' thread.2022. 2% MF challenge. £730/30000 -
He sees you as a good listener. Maybe you are mistaking your feelings too because you have little to occupy yourself outside of studying? (just a thought). If your peer group at uni is starting to say get a room - let them and laugh it off.
Have you thought that he may be interested in you? It could be that the supposed gf never returns from Thailand (she could be someone he has met on the internet). Don't stress and go with the flow.0 -
From your description, he sounds interested in you too. You like him, he likes you, and there is a long-distance girlfriend who he may or may not adore. The only way to find out is to have a real heart-to-heart chat with him. Tell him how you feel (including the limitations on acting on it that you state above) and see how he reacts. If he feels the same way, you can take it from there (including insisting he deals with the existing GF situation first). If not, well, at least you know. He doesn't sound like the kind of guy who would make your life a misery if you opened up to him.
I think you are acting very honorably at the moment, but it would be a shame to pass up an opportunity for happiness when it might be staring you in the face. Frankly, if I were behaving towards you like he is, it would mean I was very interested in taking things further. The hugs, the hand-holding, the wanting to be with you - I doubt if any of that is random.0 -
He isn't a married man, he's got a long distance, not in the picture, he doesn't get to see her, girlfriend.
Who, he may choose to leave.
You appear to be unencumbered.
Your issue is not that big. I know if feels big, but spend time with him - if he declares for you tell him exactly what you have told us, you are not interested in being the other woman, if his relationship is over that's fine, but he has to deal with that and be available before you are interested.
It's not difficult - His g/f could be up to all sorts, she could be not interested, she could be finding a way to tell him she's not coming.
There are no children involved, there are no marriages - people are free to choose their minds and pick their own partners.
Give it some time and see how it runs - you are making it into something massive, and it's not yet - wait, see if he likes you as much as you like him, and if you do - then he'll find a way to make it ok for you.0 -
I agree with the above posts. It is a far cry from considering an affair with both of you married.
I think you are right to be careful as he could indeed miss her and just want your company for comfort and you could be the one left heart broken with him thinking he'd done nothing wrong.
I think I would be honest with him (however hard to say). I would wait for another moment like last night and then tell him that you have developped feelings for him but you are in no way prepared to act on anything with someone in a relationship. Make it very clear and stick to your principle. However, you don't have to avoid him and move on, just let him decide what he wants to do and go from there.0 -
I suspect I'd be working on the principle of "all's fair in love and war".
You have higher standards than me.0 -
Wow, am surprised at some of the responses here. He has a gf - just because she's not in the same country right now doesn't make him fair game. Good to see the OP realises that.0
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I wouldn't tell him how you feel. It could backfire horribly. Be aware that part of the attraction could be because he is attached. It's not the worst thing in the world to have a crush on someone. Just get out, enjoy life, you could meet someone next week who isn't attached and that would put this into perspective.0
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A girlfriend, not a wife. The whole point of marriage is making that lifelong commitment to be faithful to one person and being girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't carry that obligation: It's OK (albeit hurtful) to change your mind and break up. Obviously cheating is not acceptable, but if one party chooses to end their current relationship and start one with someone else, fair enough.He has a gf - just because she's not in the same country right now doesn't make him fair game.
The long distance thing complicates matters, but the two people concerned will be aware of the difficulties which is why most people would choose to live together at the point that a commitment is made rather than on different continents.0
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