Practical suggestions for getting over an inappropriate crush?

justme111

I would been annoyed with him saying it as he oversteps the boundaries . Wither !!!! or get off the potty.

justme111

Copperplate wrote: »

And I'm rambling now but actually if the shoe was on the other foot and I was in a relationship and I found myself falling for someone else, if I wasn't sure I could make the existing relationship work or if I felt my feelings were just too strong for the new person then I would leave the existing relationship regardless of wether the new person wanted me or not because clearly the first person is not the right one. .

I understand and agree... To an extent. Because if you were falling for someone where you felt it was not reciprocated you would have questioned your "falling " on whether it was valid as if other person does not respond then that other person must see some incpatibilities that you don't see and all your feelings are based on false information .
There was a situation when I was seeing someone I was not quite sure about. If my old flame would have called for me back then I would been back with him .I have not dropped the guy I was seeing not because of fear of being alone , I often am but because if my old flame did not call then oust have had an illusory image of him and my feelings for him were based on a wrong premises that we were good together , he must have seen that we are not if he did not call. Does it make sense?

moneyistooshorttomention

One thought that strikes me is that there might be some other woman hanging around on the scene for all you know without any scruples. If so, she might set her cap at him, even though she knows you are there "waiting in the wings" and it sounds as if its obvious to other people around that you should be "it".

Think how you will feel if another woman comes in from "left field" and goes off with him, whilst you aren't giving him any indication of how you feel and telling him to "make his choice".

You'd be gutted...because it would have turned out that he wasn't that interested in continuing with that long-distance girlfriend anyway and now someone else was going out with him...

FBaby

What you've got to appreciate is you are turning this around your head, trying to analyse your feelings as much as his whilst he is probably not thinking it through half as much as you are.

Most likely, when he does think about it, it goes as much as thinking that he likes you and maybe might have liked to start something with you if it was for his girlfriend, but he loves her and can't wait to see her again.

My gut feeling is that this will go on this way until he sees her and separate again and either he realises afterwards that his feelings for her have changed and he missed you, or he realised how much he wants to be with her and will move things forward to make it happen.

Frugalbride

I have been through the same sort of thing so many times when I was younger. I was always 'falling' for attached or unavailable men and then analysing the situation endlessly. It gave me drama and something to talk about with friends without having to make myself vulnerable by really putting myself out there with single guys. I would have been horrified if any of the men actually did something, as then they wouldn't be my ideal and would have shown themselves to be less than perfect.
I found along the way that some guys do like attention/companionship/emotional support and boundaries could be blurred but not broken. I've also had countless friends have this happen to them, friends of both gender.
Get out there and start meeting available men, life is short. Maybe one day your friend will be available and you might end up together but at the moment he's not and all this analysis and thinking is probably one sided. Just think - what are you actually getting out of this?

Fuzzy_Duck

This is admittedly based on my own bitter experiences, but to me it sounds like he is using you. I expect he has worked out that you like him and you are therefore willing to give him the support and reassurance that his girlfriend is currently unable to give.

When this happened to me the man in question did not have a girlfriend and said he was 'not ready for one'. He did the same stuff this guy is doing- wanting me to be around all the time, wanting me to comfort him when he was down, and doing things with me that made us look like a couple to other people. As you well know OP, it just makes it so much harder.

Eventually I just came out with it and he of course said he wasn't interested in me in that way. He wanted me around because I would do anything for him and he liked that- but I wasn't good enough to be his girlfriend and later on he was dating a stunning girl that I had no hope of matching up to, however nice I was.

I know it's not totally the same, but the best thing I ever did was stop seeing him. Shortly afterwards I met another man who wasted no time in asking me out on a date and making it official. It took that to make me realise how foolish I'd been- if I'd still been desperately hanging on to the hope of being with the other man, I met not have met the man I'm now marrying.

Obviously your situation is different in that you are there to learn, and you do not want this interfering with your studies. Nor can you really avoid him I'm afraid. What you can do though, is make other friends to make it easier to decrease the time you spend with him. You may well meet other men you're interested in, and you never know, if he really is interested in you too this may get his back up and convince him to do something about it.

Having said all that, we can't get into his head so we don't know exactly how you feels about you. I do feel strongly however that you don't waste your time with him. Keep him as a friend by all means, but cut down on the amount you see him and try to meet other people. Don't put your life on hold for something that might never happen.

Frugalbride

Fuzzy_Duck wrote: »

I know it's not totally the same, but the best thing I ever did was stop seeing him. Shortly afterwards I met another man who wasted no time in asking me out on a date and making it official. It took that to make me realise how foolish I'd been- if I'd still been desperately hanging on to the hope of being with the other man, I met not have met the man I'm now marrying.

Snap! Exactly the same happened to me. I met a really straightforward lovely guy who told me he liked me and didn't play a single game. It made me realise how exhausting my previous experiences were.
I wonder if, being charitable, some men just don't realise the impact they have when they lean emotionally on a girl who isn't their girlfriend.

justme111

Frugalbride wrote: »

I wonder if, being charitable, some men just don't realise the impact they have when they lean emotionally on a girl who isn't their girlfriend.

Girls are consenting adults and its up to them to.clarify.situation and decide what are they ready to give and what not.
That's why she should make it clear - to stop all this time waste and drama.

Frugalbride

justme111 wrote: »

Girls are consenting adults and its up to them to.clarify.situation and decide what are they ready to give and what not.
That's why she should make it clear - to stop all this time waste and drama.

I agree. You can only control your own side and response to things, you may never know what somebody else's motivations are.

Good luck OP, hope it all works out.

Primrose

I feel for you. Your current situation must be very distracting however hard you try to keep things on an even emotional keel. Perhaps if he is talking about how strange it will be not seeing each other over Easter you could lightly ask the question whether he worries that in view of having a long distance girlfriend, your relationship is perhaps getting too close. That might give him the opening you are perhaps hoping for to find out what his longer term intentions might be.