Teenage Son Lying/Stealing Showing No Remorse

stressedoutmum

My teenage son is making me ill. He is 14 years old and has lied and stolen on and off throughout his life. Usually £1s etc. For the last few weeks there was a definite change in his behaviour and he's stolen from my husband myself and our other son (money from wallets etc). We now have to lock everything up. We asked him for weeks if he was doing this and he totally denied it.

It all came to a head last week when in desperation we went to see his friend's parents to see if they knew anything. Their daughter told them everything and apparently my son has been spending money (she didn't realise he was stealing it) and buying sweets, fizzy drinks, energy drinks and basically rubbish for people walking to school. The total he's taken is about £120 all spent on rubbish. We had previously warned him about stealing and said we would take him to the police. I called the police last week and made an appointment to take him in which was heartbreaking to do. I was hoping the whole thing would give him a fright. He sat there completely emotionless whilst the policeman chatted to him. I am not sure if he didn't feel anything or was so shocked. I have asked him and he told me he was nervous. The police spoke to him about his behaviour etc and warned him how his future could turn out (criminal record etc). We came back from the police station and explained calmly we done this as we love him and want to see him do well and sort himself out but he needs to build trust etc which I thought he understood .

I told him his phone and ipad were off him. I locked his phone away but was checking on Sunday his Facebook for messages (more problems there!) and forgot to lock it away again. He later went into my room (when he had been told not to) as he saw his phone there and had a look through.

Today I set the house rules out straight for him as he says he forgets so today I typed them up and put them in A3 in his bedroom and talked through them all with him. Part of the rules he was told was that as he had stolen from us he was not allowed to enter our or his brothers bedroom without permission but he's chosen to ignore this. After a row about him making an effort etc he apologised.

Tonight was his parents night which went quite well and we discussed the highs and lows. We then had tea and a biscuit. He asked for another and I said no as tea would be ready soon. I asked him to go into the kitchen and get some food ready to help with tea and while he was there on his own he had a hot cross bun without asking. That's 2 days in a row he has completely ignored what we have said. He knows the consequences of stealing and keeping out of trouble yet he doesn't seem phased by it.

His behaviour at school is ok detentions for homework etc but not behavioural. He did get involved with a crowd at school who always got into trouble even though we persistently told him not to hang around with them. Although they are often in serious trouble at school he is not as he seems to have the sense to know when to walk away.

He is not a popular boy at school and does get name called from some of these children. More recently he fell off his bike and hurt himself - this crowd have been teasing him for ages which we only found out about - saying silly things like he lost a testicle in his bike accident. To stop the name calling he took a photo which he showed his friend thinking that would put an end to the rumours whilst I totally disagree with what he did and we have had loads of talks about internet safety I can see where he thought it would quash the rumours but it didn't. The school have dealt with this and I am happy with that but he just does not seem to take in what you are saying.

He can recite it all back to me and the consequences if he doesn't stop yet he doesn't . It has been going on for weeks now and is making me very ill with stress and he sees me upset but doesn't seem to bother. He says its not his fault I feel stressed!! We are at our wits end and it is putting a strain on the family and I just don't know where to go. We tell him we love him and want him to have his things and a great future etc but he's got to put effort in which he doesn't seem to do.

I am changing his school in September which he wants to do and we hope it will help but I am beginning to feel that there is something not quite there. He is average in school but could be above average if he tried harder and I am racking my brains trying to think where we go next?? He is sweetie mad and we rarely buy them now but when I do he eats everyone else without asking unless I hide it and all the money he stole went on sweet sugary things. He does apologise to us but it seems just like a word now. He also told me he gets name called everyday but when I've said I will speak to the school he says well I'll see if if stops tomorrow so I am not sure if he's telling the truth there or looking for sympathy. Has anyone else had similar??

He's been extremely aggressive on occasion towards me recently (although he hasn't for a couple of weeks). Telling me to s*d off etc and putting his head in my face and refusing to move or do anything (although he doesn't do this if his dad is home) and I wonder if this behaviour was due to all the crap he was eating we didn't know about or if that was just normal teen stuff. He's tried smoking but is not tried drugs etc.

Although he is 14 years old he is very immature and naïve. Thanks

meritaten

sorry - but you are so hysterical I don't really understand your post?

victory

stressedoutmum wrote: »

My teenage son is making me ill. He is 14 years old and has lied and stolen on and off throughout his life. Usually £1s etc. For the last few weeks there was a definite change in his behaviour and he's stolen from my husband myself and our other son (money from wallets etc). We now have to lock everything up. We asked him for weeks if he was doing this and he totally denied it. It all came to a head last week when in desperation we went to see his friend's parents to see if they knew anything. Their daughter told them everything and apparently my son has been spending money (she didn't realise he was stealing it) and buying sweets, fizzy drinks, energy drinks and basically rubbish for people walking to school. The total he's taken is about £120 all spent on rubbish. We had previously warned him about stealing and said we would take him to the police. I called the police last week and made an appointment to take him in which was heartbreaking to do. I was hoping the whole thing would give him a fright. He sat there completely emotionless whilst the policeman chatted to him. I am not sure if he didn't feel anything or was so shocked. I have asked him and he told me he was nervous. The police spoke to him about his behaviour etc and warned him how his future could turn out (criminal record etc). We came back from the police station and explained calmly we done this as we love him and want to see him do well and sort himself out but he needs to build trust etc which I thought he understood .I told him his phone and ipad were off him. I locked his phone away but was checking on Sunday his Facebook for messages (more problems there!) and forgot to lock it away again. He later went into my room (when he had been told not to) as he saw his phone there and had a look through. Today I set the house rules out straight for him as he says he forgets so today I typed them up and put them in A3 in his bedroom and talked through them all with him. Part of the rules he was told was that as he had stolen from us he was not allowed to enter our or his brothers bedroom without permission but he's chosen to ignore this. After a row about him making an effort etc he apologised. Tonight was his parents night which went quite well and we discussed the highs and lows. We then had tea and a biscuit. He asked for another and I said no as tea would be ready soon. I asked him to go into the kitchen and get some food ready to help with tea and while he was there on his own he had a hot cross bun without asking. That's 2 days in a row he has completely ignored what we have said. He knows the consequences of stealing and keeping out of trouble yet he doesn't seem phased by it. His behaviour at school is ok detentions for homework etc but not behavioural. He did get involved with a crowd at school who always got into trouble even though we persistently told him not to hang around with them. Although they are often in serious trouble at school he is not as he seems to have the sense to know when to walk away. He is not a popular boy at school and does get name called from some of these children. More recently he fell off his bike and hurt himself - this crowd have been teasing him for ages which we only found out about - saying silly things like he lost a testicle in his bike accident. To stop the name calling he took a photo which he showed his friend thinking that would put an end to the rumours whilst I totally disagree with what he did and we have had loads of talks about internet safety I can see where he thought it would quash the rumours but it didn't. The school have dealt with this and I am happy with that but he just does not seem to take in what you are saying. He can recite it all back to me and the consequences if he doesn't stop yet he doesn't . It has been going on for weeks now and is making me very ill with stress and he sees me upset but doesn't seem to bother. He says its not his fault I feel stressed!! We are at our wits end and it is putting a strain on the family and I just don't know where to go. We tell him we love him and want him to have his things and a great future etc but he's got to put effort in which he doesn't seem to do. I am changing his school in September which he wants to do and we hope it will help but I am beginning to feel that there is something not quite there. He is average in school but could be above average if he tried harder and I am racking my brains trying to think where we go next?? He is sweetie mad and we rarely buy them now but when I do he eats everyone else without asking unless I hide it and all the money he stole went on sweet sugary things. He does apologise to us but it seems just like a word now. He also told me he gets name called everyday but when I've said I will speak to the school he says well I'll see if if stops tomorrow so I am not sure if he's telling the truth there or looking for sympathy. Has anyone else had similar?? He's been extremely aggressive towards me recently (although he hasn't for a couple of weeks). Telling me to s*d off etc and putting his head in my face and refusing to move or do anything and I wonder if this behaviour was due to all the crap he was eating we didn't know about or if that was just normal teen stuff. He's tried smoking but is not tried drugs etc. Although he is 14 years old he is very immature and naïve. Thanks

Could you paragraph your post? It is very hard to read ...

spacey2012

Only read whilst i went dizzy, but it sounds a parenting problem.
Here is some advice from a Old hand

We adults, you the child.
Now here are the rules and here is what will happen if you break them.

fed_up_and_stressed

Take £120 worth of his stuff and sell it.... His ipadperhaps ? That way he learns actions have consequences. If he wants another he has to earn it.

Corelli

It sounds to me like he's having problems at school and is trying to buy popularity by spending money on the other kids walking to school. If I understand that bit correctly.

I'd say try and get to the bottom of that and make him feel like you are on his side. Of course he also needs to know that no way can you condone stealing and that he needs to make amends. Talk with him. He understands surely that taking your's and his brother's money is wrong and causes problems for every one.

As for taking food? It is a truism that growing teenaged lads are at a very hungry stage of their lives. IMO, taking a hot cross bun is not the crime of the century but I can see that with him having been stealing more you would see the issues as combined. Did he eat a proper meal afterwards? Some people might look back on that incident and see that he was really hungry and think to themselves that perhaps next time he says he's hungry before a meal, ask him how hungry he is and think what healthier snack could be offered before the meal. If he is really hungry a slice of bread and something or a piece of fruit won't be turned down.

Hang on in there, 14 isn't an easy age and if he is having the troubles at school I suspect he is that makes everything worse.

stressedoutmum

Sorry reading my post is difficult im at the end of my tether. My worry is that even after police talk hes nit changed his behaviour. His tea was just abiut ready but he had asked for little tea as he wasnt that hungry. Wr've told him how much we love him but he needs to stop. Wr've taken his ipad and phone and what money he had of his own towards it. We always stand by what we say when we ground him etc but he still carries on knowing the outcome. Thanks

lvm

Ok, I had to skim through the last half as, like others have said, it's difficult to read without paragraphs.

Truthfully, I reckon it could be a lot worse.

Just had to post as I was actually quite similar to your son at his age. I stole from my parents and also shoplifted. That stopped the second I got caught and police were called and parents found out. Not the best day of my life!

Anyway, I also wasn't the most popular kid in school although I wasn't bullied at all. I think I did things like that to fit in more with people. I was moved to a private school and the stealing started over the next few years. Although I was fortunate enough to be at a private school, my parents didn't have the money to support the lifestyle which most kids have at these schools. The fancy phones, new bags and school shoes every year, new stationary etc. I had the uniform from the 2nd hand shop, a mobile phone only when new ones came out and the old ones were reduced etc etc.

Even now though, in my late 20s, they don't understand that - must've been a different world in their days though.

So...could it be your son is trying to fit in with people? It certainly sounds like it if he's stealing to buy them drinks and sweets. Trying to buy their friendship maybe.

I also think you may be a LITTLE bit too hard on the eating before dinner thing. The sweets/sugar could definitely affect his behaviour but to be honest, at his age, I would be rebelling if my Mum was still telling me I could have an extra biscuit.

Anyway, just my thoughts. Good luck!

trailingspouse

You say yourself that you feel something isn't quite right with him. Some things stick out - being able to repeat what you've said, but not 'getting' it, saying he can't remember what's been said, not showing remorse (in other words, not understanding how his actions affect others). I think you should have a chat to your family doctor - you don't have to take your son with you, just discuss the situation, and see what they think could be happening.

I don't think you sound at all hysterical, AND I understood your post perfectly well. Some people like to show how clever they are, and just end up showing how ignorant they are.

MrsAtobe

stressedoutmum wrote: »

My teenage son is making me ill. He is 14 years old and has lied and stolen on and off throughout his life. Usually £1s etc. For the last few weeks there was a definite change in his behaviour and he's stolen from my husband myself and our other son (money from wallets etc). We now have to lock everything up. We asked him for weeks if he was doing this and he totally denied it. It all came to a head last week when in desperation we went to see his friend's parents to see if they knew anything. Their daughter told them everything and apparently my son has been spending money (she didn't realise he was stealing it) and buying sweets, fizzy drinks, energy drinks and basically rubbish for people walking to school. The total he's taken is about £120 all spent on rubbish.

We had previously warned him about stealing and said we would take him to the police. I called the police last week and made an appointment to take him in which was heartbreaking to do. I was hoping the whole thing would give him a fright. He sat there completely emotionless whilst the policeman chatted to him. I am not sure if he didn't feel anything or was so shocked. I have asked him and he told me he was nervous. The police spoke to him about his behaviour etc and warned him how his future could turn out (criminal record etc). We came back from the police station and explained calmly we done this as we love him and want to see him do well and sort himself out but he needs to build trust etc which I thought he understood .I told him his phone and ipad were off him. I locked his phone away but was checking on Sunday his Facebook for messages (more problems there!) and forgot to lock it away again. He later went into my room (when he had been told not to) as he saw his phone there and had a look through.

Today I set the house rules out straight for him as he says he forgets so today I typed them up and put them in A3 in his bedroom and talked through them all with him. Part of the rules he was told was that as he had stolen from us he was not allowed to enter our or his brothers bedroom without permission but he's chosen to ignore this. After a row about him making an effort etc he apologised. Tonight was his parents night which went quite well and we discussed the highs and lows. We then had tea and a biscuit. He asked for another and I said no as tea would be ready soon. I asked him to go into the kitchen and get some food ready to help with tea and while he was there on his own he had a hot cross bun without asking.

That's 2 days in a row he has completely ignored what we have said. He knows the consequences of stealing and keeping out of trouble yet he doesn't seem phased by it. His behaviour at school is ok detentions for homework etc but not behavioural. He did get involved with a crowd at school who always got into trouble even though we persistently told him not to hang around with them. Although they are often in serious trouble at school he is not as he seems to have the sense to know when to walk away. He is not a popular boy at school and does get name called from some of these children. More recently he fell off his bike and hurt himself - this crowd have been teasing him for ages which we only found out about - saying silly things like he lost a testicle in his bike accident. To stop the name calling he took a photo which he showed his friend thinking that would put an end to the rumours whilst I totally disagree with what he did and we have had loads of talks about internet safety I can see where he thought it would quash the rumours but it didn't.

The school have dealt with this and I am happy with that but he just does not seem to take in what you are saying. He can recite it all back to me and the consequences if he doesn't stop yet he doesn't . It has been going on for weeks now and is making me very ill with stress and he sees me upset but doesn't seem to bother. He says its not his fault I feel stressed!! We are at our wits end and it is putting a strain on the family and I just don't know where to go. We tell him we love him and want him to have his things and a great future etc but he's got to put effort in which he doesn't seem to do. I am changing his school in September which he wants to do and we hope it will help but I am beginning to feel that there is something not quite there. He is average in school but could be above average if he tried harder and I am racking my brains trying to think where we go next??

He is sweetie mad and we rarely buy them now but when I do he eats everyone else without asking unless I hide it and all the money he stole went on sweet sugary things. He does apologise to us but it seems just like a word now. He also told me he gets name called everyday but when I've said I will speak to the school he says well I'll see if if stops tomorrow so I am not sure if he's telling the truth there or looking for sympathy. Has anyone else had similar?? He's been extremely aggressive towards me recently (although he hasn't for a couple of weeks). Telling me to s*d off etc and putting his head in my face and refusing to move or do anything and I wonder if this behaviour was due to all the crap he was eating we didn't know about or if that was just normal teen stuff. He's tried smoking but is not tried drugs etc. Although he is 14 years old he is very immature and naïve. Thanks

Hopefully this helps other people,e read this more easily, I struggled too.

rachiibell

It does sound like your son is trying to fit in. Unfortunately you can't buy friendship.
I wouldn't try and ban him from eating sweets, my mum did that to me and my sister and we just stole them / bought them in secret / didn't tell her if anyone gave us some. However you can control when he has them to some extent - have a healthy snack ready for after school and give him a sweet but not too unhealthy pudding after dinner.
If you know that he stole £120 take that amount back off him whether it's in money or stuff he owns that you can sell. Then see if there are any household chores that he could do that would earn him a set amount when he does them eg. Mowing the lawn, cleaning the gutters, washing the windows, ect. That way he'll be getting his own money and learning that you have to work for a living.
Don't be too hard on yourself OP teenagers go through some horrible phases and I was awful to my parents at times. All the best x