Teenage Son Lying/Stealing Showing No Remorse

Na1play

I feel your pain, it was as if you were describing my own son.
A few things stick out for me.
You mention he has had detentions for homework. Does he have a short attention span? How are his moods, do they change from happy to snappy in an instant? Does he need reminding of things all the time and it's just natural for you to do this now ( I see you have printed things out for him)? Does he do things he shouldn't before he thinks?

My son has predominantly inattentive ADHD and requires a lot of help in his organisational skills. Lists on the fridge, oral reminders as he's going out the door, notes to remind him to take medication at lunchtime, hidden in his lunchbox plus an alarm on a watch, alarms on his phone etc. Many things are lost/misplaced. His lack of remorse tries a saints patience!

Have a word with your GP about your concerns. Speak to the school about whether they have any inklings of something else going on. Speak of your concerns to the school and ask their opinion too. My sons school has been fantastic and supportive.

Hope you find the answers you are looking for, xxx

FBaby

Although he is 14 years old he is very immature and naïve.

My response is not mean to be patronising, but could the reason be that you are treating like a much younger child and that is why he is the way he is?

Although I completely agree with your values and need to teach proper behaviour, I personally don't agree with the way you seem to go about it. I think the calling the cops was completely over-reacting. It sounds to me more of an issue of him feeling that he should get more pocket money and/or that he has self-esteem issues if he feels that he should be treating his friends. It could be nothing more than his friends getting more pocket money than he does, treating their friends and he feels inadequate that he doesn't. I say that because this seems to be how things are with my 14DD. They seem to be constantly getting each other little presents and treats, £10 presents for birthdays etc... and so there is always pressure to get pocket money. I give DD £5 a week IF and only IF her bedroom is spotless and she does all the other chores she is expected to do.

I also think you are dramatising the issue of him eating something before dinner when you told him not to. He is 14 and it is normal that he is starting to ascert himself in terms of some responsibilities. This was typical teenage behaviour, one to pick him up on, but not because YOU told him not to, more because he needs to appreciate that eating just before dinner is not the best idea. Saying that, is is really so bad if he does eat all his dinner?

Although I agree that teenagers do need clear boundaries, I think it is as important to ensure that they learn to start doing things not to obey their parents but because they learn to take responsibility for what is good/not good for them. If you smother them from that perspective, you can end up doing more harm than good. I was godsmacked when I went out to pick a friend of my daughter for dinner, and her mum made a all scene about her needing to take her coat so she wouldn't get coat. She was clearly so embarrassed. I've telling my kids that it's up to them if they freeze by making the decision not to take a coat since they were about 8.

My advice would be to spend more energy trying to encourage your son to communicate with you so you can understand better the reason for his actions, whilst still make it very clear that it is not acceptable, rather than punishing him harshly without understanding the reasons for his actions as you are risking him keeeping more and more his emotions for himself, and the consequences of that are much more dangerous than him acting like what is quite typical of a teenager.

mrcow

You don't sound hysterical at all. That's a stupid thing to say. You sound like a normal, concerned parent.

A lot of what is going on is down to his age and what's going on at school. Stealing to try and become more popular, facebook problems, the phone and the photographs etc.

He sounds quite unhappy. I get that you're not happy either, but 14 is a very difficult time for lots of kids.

I know it's cliche, but encouraging positive behaviour rather than being on his case all the time will really help. On the da with the hot cross bum for example, did he actually help to make dinner too? Did he get praised for it? Does he need help with his organisation so he doesn't get in trouble with his homework. If he's struggling to make positive friendships, then you can help to encourage this but having people over and helping to arrange positive social situations for him.

The most important thing is to not treat this like a personal failure or start blaming anyone (including him!). A lot of this is quite common in teenagers, working it through and supporting him is key. Does he have situations where he can earn his own money? Could that be something that you would consider?

The social media situation sounds worrying though. Maybe have an agreement that you'll relook at the situation after Christmas when he's matured a little?

Tiddlywinks

Choose your battles - being hungry and needing to eat at 14yo is normal - refusing him a biscuit and then getting upset about a bun is OTT.

If you are constantly having a go then all he hears is 'blah, blah, blah'. Be economical with the 'nagging'.

Speak to your GP about his seeming unable to concentrate and his sugary cravings... however, concentration is helped by sleep, hydration and a good diet... does he get enough sleep, drink enough water and eat a good balanced diet?

I also think there's a chance he's being bullied or is trying to fit in - and that is why he is buying stuff for other kids.

peachyprice

I did my best to read it, it wasn't easy, so apologies if I get anything wrong.

To me it's pretty obvious what is wrong, the boy is being bullied at school, he's stealing from you to try to buy the favour of the bullies because being told off by you is a better option for him that the bullying.

As for food, you seem to be using this as a form of control over him. you mention the hot cross bun and stealing in the same sentence, do you really consider eating food as stealing? If he's eating his dinner and is not overweight, at age 14 one extra biscuit wasn't going to mean he wasn't going to eat his dinner, he's not 5. So why did you feel the need to say no? If you'd have let him have one more biscuit he probably wouldn't have 'stolen' the hot cross bun.

You also mention that you know he has a sweet tooth, but rather than let him have a little of what he likes you don't have anything in the house. Again, that seems very controlling, surely it would be better to have a little of what he fancies. By removing sweet things altogether you're giving him reason to take money from you to buy what he wants. He certainly wouldn't be the first teenager to react like that to over-controlling parents.

He sounds like a very sad young man who has nobody on 'his side'. Hopefully the change of school in September will end the bullying and he's come through the other side a better person. Is there no way he can change schools before then?

Seanymph

Either you or your husband needs to spend time with this young man on his own.

He is your child - blimey, he was hungry and you denied him food!

Pick your battles, the big thing is stealing and trust - eating a bun is just white noise, let it go.

Value him, spend time with him, for god's sake love him - and you'll bring him round - pen him in and keep hitting him with the discipline stick and you'll drive him away.

Good luck with him - we have had all sorts of problems with my step son, who makes it to 18 next week, and is still at home amazingly. Hang in there, he won't be eating your buns when he's 30, and you want him still to be part of your family - so pick your battles, spend time with him, take him camping for a week with you and talk to him.

And best wishes for the strength to stay calm - I have lived it, and know just how mad they can drive you.

One thing I will pick up is that you say you 'know' he hasn't tried drugs. Don't bank on 'knowing' anything - I have had several issues I would have staked my life on. Sometimes I was wrong.

fivetide

fed_up_and_stressed wrote: »

Take £120 worth of his stuff and sell it.... His ipadperhaps ? That way he learns actions have consequences. If he wants another he has to earn it.

This.

Sounds like there has been a lot of asking him and telling him but no actual consequences.

So he ignored you and got some food. What did you do about it? Sounds like nothing. I disagree with the others on pick your battles over this. Disrespecting you is disrespecting you. As he gets away with small things he'll just keep pushing and you'll find it harder to stop.The only issue there is if it was say 30 mins before tea. In that case, another biscuit fine but if he doesn't eat his food, nae pudding. As for actually getting something when you have said no I'd have been sent off without tea as a result.

Why is he getting detentions for homework? You should be demanding to see it, getting a report from the school on what he has and making him do it before he goes any where.

No homework, no credit for his phone.

I'd also be making him pay his siblings back what he has nicked.

You have a discipline problem I'm afraid. As some one else said. You are the adult. Lay down the law.

That isn't to say you don't need to be sympathetic. Why has he been feedign half the school? Bullying might be a part of it but I would say if he doesn't respect you then he won't find it easy to talk to you about these things.

What's the issue with facebook you alluded to? Is there evidence on there? Have a chat with some more of the mums, see if they've heard anything. You can be his friend without letting him walk all over you.

stressedoutmum

Thank you for all the responses. With the hot cross bun it was not about denying food it was about raising trust and just to ask for things rather than take. He had told me 5 minutes before hand that he wasn't very hungry and just wanted a small amount of tea. We had just had a discussion about the need to build trust and to ask for things and straight afterward he done the hot cross bun thing so its not about the food.

If I do buy chocolate he eats everyone's share if its left in the cupboard and then denies it.

His planner I check every day but the detentions for homework were because he hadn't written them in his planner so we were not aware.

We had just been to parents eve last night and praised him for the good things he had done and told him to work on the not so good and both his dad and I told him what a great lad he is how much we love him etc.

He had £70 of his own money which we have taken towards the £120 and he is doing chores and paying back half his paper round money towards the difference.

The reason I took him to the police was to try and make him understand . Previously he had stolen from us and from a friend's house.

We are constantly reassuring him and we both spend lots of time with him whether at home or taking him places and talking to him as we are a very close family but none of our efforts seem to be working.

When I tell him he is upsetting me and he sees me upset he says its not his fault its mine for getting like that. He just doesn't seem to accept responsibly for anything he does? Its like banging our heads against a brick wall.

ccygirl

I totally sympathise with you. It's hard when they are teenagers, you can only do your best and hope that sometimes when you talk to them they do actually listen. I think there is some great advice on here in the responses about picking your battles as they can be overly sensitive about things at this age and will think that they can't do any thing right.
It's hard being a teenager and wanting to be popular, the last thing you want is your mum and dad asking all your friends about what you are doing. He is probably embarrassed by all of this too. I agree with the other posters as at this age they will eat you out of house and home. Please try not to stress too much about this as I think that will help everyone.

peachyprice

stressedoutmum wrote: »

Thank you for all the responses. With the hot cross bun it was not about denying food it was about raising trust and just to ask for things rather than take. He had told me 5 minutes before hand that he wasn't very hungry and just wanted a small amount of tea. We had just had a discussion about the need to build trust and to ask for things and straight afterward he done the hot cross bun thing so its not about the food.

But when he did do what you asked him to do and asked for one more biscuit you said no. In teenagerville that translates 'why bother if she's just going to say no anyway, I may as well take it'.

Why did you feel the need to refuse him the biscuit, would it have really hurt, after having a heart to heart with him, to let him have another biscuit?

If I do buy chocolate he eats everyone's share if its left in the cupboard and then denies it.

Then it's up to you to not put it all in the cupboard at the same time. Not just to stop him hogging it all, but also so that everyone else gets a chance.