Teenage Son Lying/Stealing Showing No Remorse

thatgirlsam

CH27 wrote: »

OP you just don't seem to take on board the fact you could be handling things better & differently.

None of us are perfect & parenting can be bloo*y hard work.

We all have ideas about how we want to parent but sometimes they don't fit real life.

I think you need to pick your battles & let some of the smaller stuff go.
Most teenagers snack & eat junk. They hide wrappers too.

Give your boy a hug. Tell him you love him & try to work out a way forward.
Try to give him incentives & things to look forward to.

Yes stealing is a big thing but so is bullying & hormones etc.

My son started uni last september so i've been through the teenage years but they do come out of it.

I've heard the first 25 years are the worst! :-0

securityguy

"And an OP who asked for help, and has spent the entire thread saying they are right in all things."

I wrote a similar post last night, but decided I didn't need to wake the mods up.

Given the OP believes her parenting is perfect, and there is nothing more that anyone can tell her, (a) why is she posting here (if she wants "hugs hun teenz wot can u do lol?" she knows where Netmums is) and (b) why indeed does such a perfect parent have problems in the first place? It sounds like she wants people to say "teenagers, nothing you can do, you're brilliant, it'll sort itself out", like Netmums with better spelling.

Whereas the whole situation actually sounds like she's soon going to find herself on social services' radar. The school will have mandatory reporting, and if they know about the photograph then they probably have no option but to involve professionals. And quite right too: they can see a child who's obviously in some distress, and in a position of risk, and a mother who (to use the jargon) "lacks insight". But hey: the OP knows best.

CH27

thatgirlsam wrote: »

I've heard the first 25 years are the worst! :-0

:rotfl:
I've got another 6 to go then.

neneromanova

stressedoutmum wrote: »

I have spoken with him about trying to buy friends and although he knows its not the way that's what he's tried. I have asked him if sweets make him feel better which is why he eats them and he says no I just like them.On the day I found it he was being tormented at school I went straight to the school as soon as I found out and they acted on it that day. I have asked him for a list of names as to who is name calling him and I can sort it at school but he won't give me them. I have pleaded with him to talk to me to help him but he won't.

Sorry but if he's anything like I was, just telling your mum once, and then her going into school only makes it worse. "you told you little snitch". I knew buying sweets and things was wrong, but that moment that they smile at you and thank you and then talk/play/hang out with you for just that little bit of time is the best feeling in the word when you don't have friends. It's really hard for others who have friends to understand.

But at the age of 27, I can finally say I really don't care about what people think of me anymore. If they want to be my friend then great, but I'm not giving anything away for them to be like that. Hopefully he will change schools and everything will be great. He'll get new friends and won't need to buy their friendship.

Mojisola

Seanymph wrote: »

I have seen lots of members here try to offer support, advice, and options.

And an OP who asked for help, and has spent the entire thread saying they are right in all things.

securityguy wrote: »

"And an OP who asked for help, and has spent the entire thread saying they are right in all things."

I wrote a similar post last night, but decided I didn't need to wake the mods up.

I'm in the same camp as Seanymph and securityguy.

No matter how right a parent thinks they are and how good their parenting techniques are, if what you're doing isn't working it's no good doing it longer and harder and blaming the child.

This boy sounds so unhappy.

FBaby

I think teenagers most common phrase has to be 'it's so embarrassing'. Being embarrassed has a huge affect on them. It does seem that you do quite some things that would put him in that situation which he will try to avoid at all cost by distancing himself. Toy want him to prove himself trustworthy to you but how can he do that when he is scared that anything he says to you might result in some kind of embarrassment?

jee

stressedoutmum wrote: »

As i said earlier its not about hot cross bun its asking for things until we can trust him. He rarely goes out with friends because his friends hang about with the naughty kids who he is trying to avoid but when he does we give him money for pics food n bus about £20 so he doesnt miss out. When he had his own money he spent it then stole cos he didny hv any.

I dont think £150 is a small amount of money to steal.

The bullying and photo i only found out about last friday and hv acted on it. The reasons i went to see his friends is because he would not tell us what he done withthe money. I yhought someone may be bullying him into doing it which is why i asked. He wouldnt own up.

His friend did not know he was stealing it from us and it was school who told me about the photo not him.

I acted wuickly not as a snoop but to protect him. He doesnt have to ask for toast sandwiches etc only snacky things so he could hv some but not everyones share so i do not starve my boy. I dont think he has an eating disorder like bulimia etc but do think its sweets for comfort eatng which is why we said hv some not all

OP I think you need to get your priorities in the right order. The most worrying point in your posts is the picture but you keep going on about money/food being stolen from you.
I think for the sake of your son you should refer to it as "taking money" rather than demonising an already unhappy boy and calling it "theft"
He sounds miserable- has no friends and thought he could buy them with sweets. On top of that he's treated like a baby at home and gets refused a biscuit after doing as you want and ask for it. AND is then told he's "stealing" a hot cross bun
This £150- write it off as a terrible mistake he's made- show him that you want to help him and deal with the issue at hand. Your son is being bullied and comfort eating.

raffe

This sounds like a case of a mother with control isses & one who hasn't grown up with her kids, i handed out the biscuits, he didnt ask me for a hot cross bun - no because you would have said no & i'd bet because in your opinion he wouldn't have eaten his tea,but you deemed it acceptable for you all to have just 1 biscuit each before tea - your desire concious or not to excert control, he is 14 not 5, you dont seem to have developed in your role as a mother from being the centre of the universe at 5, to being chief supporter on the sidelines at 14. A lot of parents have this problem where they don't grow up with their children, you should be forming an equal partnership at this stage not a boss and sub-ordinate.

At 2/3 you taught him how to eat with a knife & fork so he could feed himself, you taught him to put on shoes & a jacket when he went out, so he wouldn't be cold, at 14 you need to teach him how to make & formulate decisions by himself, how to solve issues that arise, he'll be more effective in work & life if he can confidently make his own decisions without always needing guidance & direction, your behaviour i went into school regarding the bullies, i went round to a friends house to find out, the poor child, he's being bullied & thats what you do, his behavour probably wont change until yours does, change your behaviour, and you may find his changes as well.

House rules - sit down as a family & all agree the house rules, you have to be very aware of not taking excerting your control (& they apply to you as well, even if you dont agree with them if they been discussed & the majority agree they stick)

Issues - we have a problem with xyz, all sit down as equals & work out a stategy to solve those issues - ok you stole money, why did you steal, if it was because he was trying to buy the bullies, ok what can we do about this, list possible solutions from everybody, example solutions & issues, give him more pocket money (poss. short term solution would be good for your son, however it isn't addressing the core issue of bullies), storm into school & demand they sort the bullies (may intensify the bullying issues & embarrass), what we could we do.

He eats all the treats - why? possible response because i'm hungry, ok what can we do about this, possible solutions, allocate him food he can freely fill up on, get everyones agreeance then put it into practice.

FBaby

brilliant post by raffe

CH27

raffe wrote: »

This sounds like a case of a mother with control isses & one who hasn't grown up with her kids, i handed out the biscuits, he didnt ask me for a hot cross bun - no because you would have said no & i'd bet because in your opinion he wouldn't have eaten his tea,but you deemed it acceptable for you all to have just 1 biscuit each before tea - your desire concious or not to excert control, he is 14 not 5, you dont seem to have developed in your role as a mother from being the centre of the universe at 5, to being chief supporter on the sidelines at 14. A lot of parents have this problem where they don't grow up with their children, you should be forming an equal partnership at this stage not a boss and sub-ordinate.

At 2/3 you taught him how to eat with a knife & fork so he could feed himself, you taught him to put on shoes & a jacket when he went out, so he wouldn't be cold, at 14 you need to teach him how to make & formulate decisions by himself, how to solve issues that arise, he'll be more effective in work & life if he can confidently make his own decisions without always needing guidance & direction, your behaviour i went into school regarding the bullies, i went round to a friends house to find out, the poor child, he's being bullied & thats what you do, his behavour probably wont change until yours does, change your behaviour, and you may find his changes as well.

House rules - sit down as a family & all agree the house rules, you have to be very aware of not taking excerting your control (& they apply to you as well, even if you dont agree with them if they been discussed & the majority agree they stick)

Issues - we have a problem with xyz, all sit down as equals & work out a stategy to solve those issues - ok you stole money, why did you steal, if it was because he was trying to buy the bullies, ok what can we do about this, list possible solutions from everybody, example solutions & issues, give him more pocket money (poss. short term solution would be good for your son, however it isn't addressing the core issue of bullies), storm into school & demand they sort the bullies (may intensify the bullying issues & embarrass), what we could we do.

He eats all the treats - why? possible response because i'm hungry, ok what can we do about this, possible solutions, allocate him food he can freely fill up on, get everyones agreeance then put it into practice.

Great post!
I always felt that my job as a mum was to produce a fully functioning adult who could go out into the world equipped with the skills needed to survive.
Yes I still advise & guide and probably always will but I know he has the tools to cope.