Teenage Son Lying/Stealing Showing No Remorse

stressedoutmum

He used to get £5 per week pocket money but that was stopped as he didn't do his chores which were doing the dishes in the evening with his brother and tidying his room - simple things and then we decided to pay him per job so to speak which is what we do now. He has a paper round on a Sunday and gets £5 per week for it and has agreed to pay £2.50 of this towards the £50 he still owes us. His telephone and ipad are locked away so he doesn't have access to them. I have made an appointment with my GP on my own tomorrow to see if they can help an I am trying very hard not to focus on the negative things but there is not a lot of positivity at the moment.

peachyprice

esmerelda98 wrote: »

A lot of poor, misunderstood child/ bad parent posts. Unfortunate really. We have a parent who is trying to nip certain bad behaviours in the bud and whilst people may not agree with some of her strategies, I don't think anyone can say categorically that they are wrong. Sometimes other people, other families, other cultures do things differently.

I knew that soon as she mentioned asking for food she signed her own death warrant. In a country where food is plentiful it has become an unusual practice, viewed with great suspicion. That doesn't make it wrong, it's just another way of doing things. I suspect if her son was hungry he would have asked for something more substantial, and if refused he would have argued that he was really hungry.

In any case it is no bad thing for a child to learn about delayed gratification. I worry about the child who can't hang on 20 minutes or so until a meal is served, the child who can't resist temptation. Will this be the child who steals the toy from his friend or from the shop because he can't accept 'no' or 'not yet'? I knew a child who would take whatever he wanted of anybody else's. It was an unpleasant experience, but more importantly, what is the outcome for these children? Do they tend to grow out of it or do they become adult thieves who no-one likes to have around because you can't trust them?

I think it was peachyprice who said the OP shouldn't put treats in the kitchen cupboard, which is just a normal thing to do. I don't think a parent does their child any favours by removing every source of temptation, rather than trying to ensure they can cope with everyday temptations. Oh, and by the way, many obesity specialists identify continual 'grazing' as a major contributor to the obesity epidemic. Many of us no longer experience hunger, and then eat a decent meal, which would be a better way of operating.

I think you have missed the point completely regarding food. There is nothing wrong with children asking for food at all, all my children asked for food until late teens, my 12yo still does.

The point is, she sat down with him, had a hearty chat about his behaviour, told him he's not to steal, told him that he has to ask if he wants anything. At the end of that chat he asked for ONE BISCUIT, that's all, there's nothing instantly gratifying about one biscuit, and she refused. Why? because she can. There was no reason to refuse one biscuit, the only purpose refusing him has served is to make hm feel there's no point in asking and he's taken something bigger instead.

And yes, it is normal for most families to put chocolate and sweets in the cupboard, but not when there is a family member who has a problem resisting them. It doesn't matter whether it's a child or parent, it's easier to not put them all in the cupboard at once than to cause a confrontation by doing so. And OP has removed all source of temptation because rather than try rationing cupboard supplies she's stopped buying them altogether, which just means, as she has found, that her son will gorge himself outside of the house with sweets he's bought with money he's stolen, rather than in the controlled situation of home. Way to go.

FBaby

One question, do you think your son is happy? Because the way you describe him here, he comes across as a child who isn't, keeps a lot inside and struggles between trying to become a bit more assertive whilst feeling under control.

Whether he is right or not to feel the way he does, it is how he feels and that's what needs to be tackled. I personally feel that you have a very dramatic way of dealing with things. Getting upset because he didn't ask to take a bun seems an over reaction, and I can understand why if you would make a big deal out of such action, he would have just taken the risk to avoid the lecture. You have punished him for stealing by taking his phone and laptop and making him repay it. Totally appropriate discipline, but you then went above that and had to get the police to give him a lecture.

Could you be quite an anxious mum worried that he will turn badly and as a result, express your anxiety by over dramatising his actions/feelings? Could it be what he meant when he said that it was your problem if you got upset by his actions, ie. if you overreact dealing with them?

Your priority is to ensure that your son doesn't fall under the hands of depression, because it will much harder to deal with any of his behaviour then.

stressedoutmum

The thing about the biscuit is I had put the kettle on to have a cup of tea whilst we were discussing his parents eve with him. I offered him a biscuit when handing them round which he accepted. The dinner was already on (was about 20 minutes to go). He then asked or another biscuit and I said no because dinner will be ready soon so I had already given him one and explained why he couldn't have another one.

He had also told me when I was making the dinner that he didn't want a lot to eat because he wasn't hungry. I said I would just give him a smaller portion so I don't think he took the food because he was hungry.

Anytime he's stolen money its always gone on sugary drinks, sweets etc. I stopped buying them for a while as he was gorging on them. He has pudding every evening and I buy sweets 2/3 times a week but just enough to hand out without any spare in the cupboard because he does take them so he is not deprived of treats either. ??

For a while we were finding packets upon packets of empty sweet wrappers in hidden in his drawers - behind the toilet cistern - under the sofa and every time we asked where he got them he said people bought him them which we knew they didn't but couldn't prove. They were not little but full family size bags at one point we counted 17 and have not got a clue where they came from and I dread to think?

hazyjo

Is he overweight?

Jx

claire16c

stressedoutmum wrote: »

For a while we were finding packets upon packets of empty sweet wrappers in hidden in his drawers - behind the toilet cistern - under the sofa and every time we asked where he got them he said people bought him them which we knew they didn't but couldn't prove. They were not little but full family size bags at one point we counted 17 and have not got a clue where they came from and I dread to think?

could he have some kind of eating disorder?

stressedoutmum

No he's not overweight at all he's quite small for his age but slim and healthy. I do worry that he will get into trouble as when he is out he doesn't always tell the truth where he's been - he'll say I was with so and so yet I've just seen them? He wants to hang around with the naughtier children because 'everyone likes them' although we try to tell him that will get him in bother. Most people will tell you he is happy, kind extremely helpful and chatty which he is but it is just the trust, honesty lying and stealing which no one else sees. WHen I discussed with school the bullying etc and what he does at home they were totally surprised. He never displays any naughty behaviour with relatives and friends who would all happily look after him overnight as he's not a bother.

Scorpio33

Treats are earnt.

I would get rid of all sugary things in the house - all puddings, all sweets, all biscuits, all sugary drinks, everything you see him having too much of. If he asks why just say that you want the whole family to be healthier and so are replacing sugary things with healthier things, such as fruit.

You will be surprised how much behaviour changes with a better diet.


Apart from that, my take:
He is clearly not happy and hates himself to an extent. He is bullied at school and so has to face the bullies daily (even if they are not doing it at the moment), keeps to himself to avoid ridicule (hence the not wanting to join clubs), uses sugary items as a comfort food (to make himself feel better) and plays up, breaking rules to get attention so that at least someone recongises him.
There is a lot of work ahead, and there is no one quick fix, but one thing I would suggest is that you and him need to get on the same side - he needs your trust and you his trust. Work out what he enjoys and help him concentrate on what he enjoys to make himself happier. For example, if he likes computer games, play computer games with him. The things you listed earlier that you do with him, sounded like you were doing what you wanted and inviting him along - vastly different to spending time with him doing what he wants to make himself feel better.

stressedoutmum

I don't know about the eating disorder as its all sugary snack foods he buys/takes and he does eat normal meals and there is very little that he doesn't eat and when we are out for food he is fine. He eats breakfast every day and has a 2 course dinner in the evening but rarely eats lunch at school. We were getting him to make his own pack up then he could choose what he wanted but the sandwiches ended up being mouldy at the bottom of the bag. He would be happy to eat lunch at school if it was all snack food.

hazyjo

claire16c wrote: »

could he have some kind of eating disorder?

That's where I was going if the OP said no. Am also wondering if maybe there's signs of a disorder...

Trouble with being accepted into a 'naughtier' crowd as kids is it often changes when they're older into far worse.

Jx