Teenage Son Lying/Stealing Showing No Remorse

SailorSam

meritaten wrote: »

sorry - but you are so hysterical I don't really understand your post?

I think that's a bit unfair.
The poor Op seems to be at her wits end and trying to explain an on-going problem that's going to possibly ruin her Sons life and certainly spoiling hers at the moment.

splishsplash

I think the child sounds miserable. He's getting bullied at school which no-one is doing anything much about, he's getting grief at home and he has no friends to vent to. Does he have siblings/extended family that he can talk to? He's obviously trying to fit in and be accepted, although he's going about it the wrong way at the moment.

Yes, he messed up a couple of times, but big deal - he's 14! This is the time for him to mess up and learn to make better choices with your help and guidance. Instead of being a support for him and teaching him how to make better choices, you've used a sledgehammer to crack a nut by going to the police. What message is he supposed to take from that? That he truly is on his own in the world and there will be no refuge/safety at home? Poor guy. No wonder he's becoming disengaged - he really is isolated and shunned at every quarter.

I think you've fallen into a negative spiral with him, and you need to break it quickly.

Think about what you want for you son... I would want him to do well at school, to be involved in at least one team sport, to have hobbies and interests that he is really passionate about, and to have a healthy network of friends and family. I would also want him to be looking forward and creating goals and ideas about where he wants to go with life... Does he have any of those things? If not, how can you, as his parent, help him to get them?

At 14, peer pressure is at a huge high, so of course he's going to want to feel like he fits in with a group who he gets along with and can identify with. Which group that will be is very much up in the air at the moment. If he has few friends and no great support at home, the likelihood is that he will fall in with a group you'd prefer him not to, simply because he won't feel worthy of better.

Remember you're the parent. He is young, you're the adult, keep that in mind. You acknowledge he is naive and immature, so it is your duty to protect him until he finds his way. Don't burden him with silly talk like 'You're making me ill/stressed/upset' - what's he supposed to do with that? It's up to you to sort out how you react to things, he's got enough on his plate.
Sort out the bullying with the school - that's another big burden for a young lad to bear. Have his back, be his voice. Let him know why you love him. Laugh with him, make him feel good. Look for his company, just because. Set him up with chances to meet people, find friends etc. Make sure he feels worthy of good friends and good things.
It never hurts to educate yourself a bit too - look up parenting resource websites - there are absolute goldmines of informations out there at your fingertips. There are usually some type of parenting classes on the go from time to time - may be helpful if they're aimed at parenting teenagers? School (here anyway) often offer these on a yearly basis for a few weeks. Anything to give you support and break your current patterns, which you recognize aren't really working. Good luck with him, I hope it works out.

stressedoutmum

We spend a huge amount of time with him and support him - we've gone to the extreme because all the nice tactics don't seem to be working. I have sorted out the bullying at school and he was in Army Cadets for 2 days per week but he packed that in last week as he said it was boring. We go out walking at the weekend and usually end up going for pub lunch, we go to the cinema, meals out once a week, family nights watching films and popcorn - we spend a huge amount of time with him. We always tell him we love him, ask about his day at school, help with his homework etc - We have tried every club there is in the area for him to join - boxing, martial arts, bike club, drama, etc. He's not sporty but doesn't want to join any of these clubs. We have asked his 2 most reliable friends round for tea and have them stop over - the thing is they mix with the not so good but are sensible enough to keep out of trouble. His aunt and uncle have tried talking to him and he says yes I'll sort it tomorrow but doesn't seem to.

Corelli

^ ^ ^ ^ ^ Thanks Splish Splash, you've summed up every thing that needs to be said, that I clumsily tried to say last night.

Savvy_Sue

stressedoutmum wrote: »

When I tell him he is upsetting me and he sees me upset he says its not his fault its mine for getting like that.

This is partly true. He is responsible for his actions, he is NOT responsible for how his actions make you feel. As Eleanor Roosevelt said in a different context, "No-one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

He's unlikely to change what he does just because you are upset.

stressedoutmum wrote: »

He just doesn't seem to accept responsibly for anything he does? Its like banging our heads against a brick wall.

You have to get more concrete with the responsibility thing: he doesn't do homework, he gets detention. He eats his brother's chocolate, he needs to replace it from his own money. He takes things without asking, he has to replace them from his own money.

But there's a combination of things happening here which I agree could usefully be discussed with the school / GP. There's an apparent lack of attention, there's the bullying / name calling / not fitting in, there's the 'not getting' the rules even though he's just repeated them back to you (although sometimes young people KNOW they're not supposed to do something, and do it anyway), and a lack of empathy.

If these have been going on throughout his life, I'd be asking whether he might have mild Asperger's Syndrome (or some other difficulty): I always knew there was something different about DS1, but it wasn't 'named' until he was 12.

Having said that, it's a normal part of teenage development to have autistic tendencies ... and they grow out of it.

Katem

stressedoutmum wrote: »

It all came to a head last week when in desperation we went to see his friend's parents to see if they knew anything. Their daughter told them everything and apparently my son has been spending money (she didn't realise he was stealing it) and buying sweets, fizzy drinks, energy drinks and basically rubbish for people walking to school.

He has a friend. Worth cultivating that one, invite the girl over and make her welcome like a friend, he probably needs all the allies he can get. Tell him that if he doesn't stop behaving like an ar se, she might not be his friend for much longer, that might give him a kick up the bum.

stressedoutmum wrote: »

I called the police last week and made an appointment to take him in which was heartbreaking to do. I was hoping the whole thing would give him a fright. He sat there completely emotionless whilst the policeman chatted to him. I am not sure if he didn't feel anything or was so shocked. I have asked him and he told me he was nervous. The police spoke to him about his behaviour etc and warned him how his future could turn out (criminal record etc). We came back from the police station and explained calmly we done this as we love him and want to see him do well and sort himself out but he needs to build trust etc which I thought he understood .

This lack of emotion might need to be addressed, I would make an appt with school and ask if his teachers have noticed if something isn't right? Can he empathise with feelings - i.e. would he understand that you'd be upset by stealing? Do you think his reactions are appropriate to the situation?

stressedoutmum wrote: »

I told him his phone and ipad were off him

I agree with whoever said sell them to make up for what he's stolen. Have clear consequences for breaking rules. No good putting up rules in A3 if you aren't going to follow through with sanctions if he breaks them.

stressedoutmum wrote: »

We then had tea and a biscuit. He asked for another and I said no as tea would be ready soon. I asked him to go into the kitchen and get some food ready to help with tea and while he was there on his own he had a hot cross bun without asking. That's 2 days in a row he has completely ignored what we have said. He knows the consequences of stealing and keeping out of trouble yet he doesn't seem phased by it.

Well it's par for the course, my teenage son eats his own body weight in stuff like hot X buns, I wouldn't particularly call that "stealing" but given that you are having bother atm it might be that you are jumping on the slightest things he's doing (I have been there done that with DD1 - when it's all going wrong, it is easy to lump what would be "normal" behaviour if your child wasn't being troublesome, into the category of "another piece of bad behaviour to deal with"). You have to try and distinguish what's normal teenage behaviour from bad behaviour.

stressedoutmum wrote: »

To stop the name calling he took a photo which he showed his friend thinking that would put an end to the rumours whilst I totally disagree with what he did and we have had loads of talks about internet safety I can see where he thought it would quash the rumours but it didn't. The school have dealt with this and I am happy with that but he just does not seem to take in what you are saying.

This seems like an inappropriate response to what happened - again, ask the school if they think he just isn't realising the consequences, and if they think that's appropriate etc, there may be some reason why he isn't "taking it in".

stressedoutmum wrote: »

I am changing his school in September which he wants to do and we hope it will help but I am beginning to feel that there is something not quite there. He is average in school but could be above average if he tried harder and I am racking my brains trying to think where we go next?? He is sweetie mad and we rarely buy them now but when I do he eats everyone else without asking unless I hide it and all the money he stole went on sweet sugary things. He does apologise to us but it seems just like a word now. He also told me he gets name called everyday but when I've said I will speak to the school he says well I'll see if if stops tomorrow so I am not sure if he's telling the truth there or looking for sympathy. Has anyone else had similar??

Has he ever been assessed for mild ASD?

stressedoutmum wrote: »

He's been extremely aggressive on occasion towards me recently (although he hasn't for a couple of weeks). Telling me to s*d off etc and putting his head in my face and refusing to move or do anything (although he doesn't do this if his dad is home) and I wonder if this behaviour was due to all the crap he was eating we didn't know about or if that was just normal teen stuff. He's tried smoking but is not tried drugs etc.

May be exacerbated by the crap he's eating, but is probably normal teenage behaviour.

Good luck, I can see why you feel sad about this, but if there's a medical reason, then there's loads of strategies and help available, particularly from school.

Blackbeard_of_Perranporth

I would put the iPad on ebay

hazyjo

My 47 BF has that 'chip' missing sometimes. I've learnt to ignore (eventually). Last week, he took £8-9 out the teramundi pot (to bet on a couple of horses - great!). I would have gone ballistic a couple of years ago, but this time he told me and I just said I wasn't happy and wouldn't be putting any more into it, and I said thank you for telling me.

He also eats loads. He LOVES food. Ended up in a row once when we'd been for a couple of drinks, I stopped in the supermarket to pick something up, and when I came out, found him in the fried chicken place - even though we were on our way to the local Chinese or Indian and I'd told him not to buy hot wings (was wound up when he said he'd get some and I basically said no).

The rest of the time he's PERFECT so it has taken a long time, but I am learning to ignore some of the irrational behaviour.

And yes, I do feel like a parent sometimes.

He's bipolar - so I have learnt to love the 'not so normal' side of him. I do roll my eyes a lot, and do have to try to explain to him why things aren't necessarily acceptable. He forgets loads (or claims to).

A lot of the time food equates to 'treats' for himself. It makes him deliriously happy having nice things to eat. He used to have huge probs with drugs (and alcohol, although a bit in denial about how much he used to drink) but now doesn't go out, doesn't drink all week, and rushes up to bed like an excited kid at around 10pm.

As someone else said, there may be little signs of 'something' so try not to get angry with him - it may be a 'condition', or it may just be him being a teenager.

I would always ask to have so much as a biscuit, and would never take one if my mum had said no. But plenty of my friends wouldn't have even asked and would have helped themselves in their own homes.

Try telling him things with as little reaction as possible. He'll stop hearing what you're saying the minute you raise your voice or start telling him off (even my BF does lol). Action first - take something off him or whatever, then talk to him later. If you caught him with a hot cross bun or whatever, bite your tongue, take it from him, and ignore it. Later, when all's calm, say you're not looking for a fight but wanted to let him know you were disappointed that he'd asked, you said no, and he did it anyway. Try not to let it end up like 'Kevin and Perry' where he'll go crazy and strop out the room. Try to carry on with whatever nice thing you were both doing, maybe together (a game?).

What about an online group. Is he into cars or anything? Something he could get a little obsessive over for a while? There are forums for just about everything. Would probably be great for him to sit and chat to people with similar interests. Can be fabulous for the soul. I've met several internet groups full of people who 'fit in' with that crowd who may have struggled in 'real life'. A writer's site, a car site, chat rooms/forums... all usually very positive friendly places. He may find his voice online.

Jx
PS music may be another way for him to find himself.

esmerelda98

A lot of poor, misunderstood child/ bad parent posts. Unfortunate really. We have a parent who is trying to nip certain bad behaviours in the bud and whilst people may not agree with some of her strategies, I don't think anyone can say categorically that they are wrong. Sometimes other people, other families, other cultures do things differently.

I knew that soon as she mentioned asking for food she signed her own death warrant. In a country where food is plentiful it has become an unusual practice, viewed with great suspicion. That doesn't make it wrong, it's just another way of doing things. I suspect if her son was hungry he would have asked for something more substantial, and if refused he would have argued that he was really hungry.

In any case it is no bad thing for a child to learn about delayed gratification. I worry about the child who can't hang on 20 minutes or so until a meal is served, the child who can't resist temptation. Will this be the child who steals the toy from his friend or from the shop because he can't accept 'no' or 'not yet'? I knew a child who would take whatever he wanted of anybody else's. It was an unpleasant experience, but more importantly, what is the outcome for these children? Do they tend to grow out of it or do they become adult thieves who no-one likes to have around because you can't trust them?

I think it was peachyprice who said the OP shouldn't put treats in the kitchen cupboard, which is just a normal thing to do. I don't think a parent does their child any favours by removing every source of temptation, rather than trying to ensure they can cope with everyday temptations. Oh, and by the way, many obesity specialists identify continual 'grazing' as a major contributor to the obesity epidemic. Many of us no longer experience hunger, and then eat a decent meal, which would be a better way of operating.

valk_scot

Just out of curiosity how much pocket money does he get a week? And does he get the chance to earn more, like doing extra chores or a paper round?