Teenage Son Lying/Stealing Showing No Remorse

stressedoutmum

He loves his xbox and his dad plays games with him on the xbox but he likes walking etc as he's normally climbing on things and running about. We go bike rides as he loves his bikes, loves cinema,swimming and eating out so he does enjoy what we are doing . I do agree about the self esteem thing but he doesn't build up my trust when he does what I asked him not to 5 minutes after explaining why to him??

Money_maker

stressedoutmum wrote: »

but he doesn't build up my trust when he does what I asked him not to 5 minutes after explaining why to him??

Has he always been like this? Did you used to follow up a warning when he was younger?

DigForVictory

Yet a other voice for talk to school & to medics. Sorry - but school have him the other half of his waking time & if there is an underlying medical issue, the sooner it's identified, the better.
Try not to fight over food? As his metabolism is shifting in several directions & if he thinks he's fat, he'll take steps but if he's hungry he'll gnaw a door if there's nothing else. That's nothing personal, just biology.

Of course he's frustrating - he's 14, but that does get outgrown.
Hang onto the promise of the young man he will be!

splishsplash

stressedoutmum wrote: »

We spend a huge amount of time with him and support him - we've gone to the extreme because all the nice tactics don't seem to be working. I have sorted out the bullying at school and he was in Army Cadets for 2 days per week but he packed that in last week as he said it was boring. We go out walking at the weekend and usually end up going for pub lunch, we go to the cinema, meals out once a week, family nights watching films and popcorn - we spend a huge amount of time with him. We always tell him we love him, ask about his day at school, help with his homework etc - We have tried every club there is in the area for him to join - boxing, martial arts, bike club, drama, etc. He's not sporty but doesn't want to join any of these clubs. We have asked his 2 most reliable friends round for tea and have them stop over - the thing is they mix with the not so good but are sensible enough to keep out of trouble. His aunt and uncle have tried talking to him and he says yes I'll sort it tomorrow but doesn't seem to.

I know it's natural to feel defensive when you feel criticized, and I'm sorry if I've contributed to that. However, I think you're missing the point.

Your son is being tormented at school. He is being bullied and called names.

He is so affected by this that he acted out and took money from home in order to try to buy friendship, popularity and acceptance.

He is so upset by the bullying that he does something quite desperate in a misguided attempt to deal with a situation he cannot possibly deal with on his own. He took an intimate photograph to try to disprove horrible rumours and showed it around - clearly he is struggling badly. This would worry me.

I hate to imagine the humiliation your child felt when he was being taunted in front of others. It upsets me to think of it. I'm afraid that would have been a red rag to a bull to me - I'd have been up to that school in a flash to start sorting that out.

Your son sounds like a sweet guy who is having a bit of a rotten time at the moment. He's acting out and comfort eating. He is not stealing out of badness or malice. Your son is hurting. He needs help, not punishment. Fair enough, he needs to repay what he took, but that would be done in a very low key manner if it was my child - because the stealing is not the real problem, imho.

As for earning your trust by doing what you've just told him not to? Welcome to the world of teenagers. I've discovered there's a switch in their heads that automatically switches their hearing off when it detects a 'lecture' coming. You can tell you've activated the switch when you see their eyes rolling.
You can reset it though by saying something like 'want a brownie?'.

neneromanova

What you have written, apart from the aggression to parents, is exactly how I was! To the word! I would Lie, steal, be aggressive to my siblings. I was horrible. I (shamefully) stole nearing £500, all so I could go buy people sweets from the school tuck shop as no one wanted to be my friend and I thought this was the only way I could make friends. The still didn't like me.

have you ever Tried sitting down with him and just ask him why he does it?

I used to be very sneaky, my biggest sneak was bringing a pet mouse that I had bought, (from one of the girls at school with the money I had stolen) and hid it in my room. I showed mum, thinking she'd hit the roof but she didn't. She just shrugged her shoulders and walked off. Not the reaction I thought (maybe even hoped for). So maybe he does it as an attention seeking thing? You may think you give him enough attention, but remember, being a teenage your hormones and moods are going all out of wack. Have you just tried ignoring the behaviour?

I will say that I grew out of the stealing money thing a year later. Now I tell my parents how sorry I am that I did it.

j.e.j.

I don't wish to sound unkind but judging from the first post and reading between the lines a bit, it sounds like the OP is constantly on the boy's back, and his way of dealing with it is to keep quiet and ignore her!

The stealing is a way of getting attention.

I'm not saying it's ALL the OP's fault, but there are always 2 sides to any story on here. Some kids are born wrong'uns but more often than not where there's behavioural problems with a child, it's the parents as much as the child.

dundeediva

Imo I agree with splash, he sounds like he's having a hard time everywhere just now. The food thing for me is ridiculous, if he wants food, give him something, stop saying no all the time! The poor boy is wanting something to eat and I don't think you should be controlling him with food. I used to have to ask for food and didn't get treats etc. When I moved out I went ott and ate anything I wanted when I wanted and gained a lot of weight and I put that down to not getting to have food when I wanted and always feeling I have to ask, then being told no.

He shouldn't be stealing but as others have pointed out it sounds like a bullying issue and maybe even a cry for help. He's 14, loosen the reigns a little and stop nagging all the time!!

stressedoutmum

I have spoken with him about trying to buy friends and although he knows its not the way that's what he's tried. I have asked him if sweets make him feel better which is why he eats them and he says no I just like them.On the day I found it he was being tormented at school I went straight to the school as soon as I found out and they acted on it that day. I have asked him for a list of names as to who is name calling him and I can sort it at school but he won't give me them. I have pleaded with him to talk to me to help him but he won't. He says he gets grief at home and grief at school. The grief at home is when he gets into trouble for what he does wrong which is what I try to tell him. If you don't do it there won't be any grief. I always tell him what a kind wonderful boy he is and true friends will like him for the way he is.

We have always followed any consequences we have given and he knows this so he doesn't get mixed messages.

There is a lot of help on here and everyone has mostly been kind and I will try and change my tactics. In my head its simple. Stop lying and stealing and be honest but obviously its not that simple in his head.

Mojisola

stressedoutmum wrote: »

My teenage son is making me ill. He is 14 years old and has lied and stolen on and off throughout his life.

DigForVictory wrote: »

Of course he's frustrating - he's 14, but that does get outgrown.

It doesn't sound like a "typical teenager boy" problem - it's much more long-standing than that.

stressedoutmum - do look into parenting classes in your area. It looks as if you have done a lot for your son but it obviously isn't working. Other people might be able to identify what you're doing (that might work with another child) that doesn't suit him.

I would also second the advice about seeing the doctor. He sounds like a very sad boy under a lot of pressure.

hazyjo

Yes, he 'likes' sweets, but it does sound as though he's using them as a way of feeling good about himself. And, yes, even I still do that. I have rubbish days when I need chocolate, or a glass of wine, or whatever. It's a hard pattern to break, and can often be part of - or result in - an eating disorder.

Probe more. Ask him if it's literally just the taste he likes, or if he eats them to make himself feel happy. There is a difference - especially with what sounds like bingeing/being secretive about it. He may not even know/realise, but it will give him food for thought (no pun intended!). Don't expect a definite answer, just let him know that it's not a helpful long term solution and may lead to later issues (not just re food). It's more about him recognising his behaviour/thought pattern.

Must be x-box/gaming forums he could maybe get into...

Jx