Teenage Son Lying/Stealing Showing No Remorse

Beckyy

Are you certain the bullying has stopped?

Just because the school has said they've dealt with it certainly does not mean that it's stopped IMO they don't see everything and teachers don't necessarily have as much control as you would like to think, kids will be kids.

I do think it sounds like his pocket money is on the low side, which would only encourage him to steal. Based on what I've read around about £10 a week wouldn't be far wrong, if affordable.

thatgirlsam

Yes the thing that stands out to me is the photo. Are you sure you're getting the whole story about that? Has he got himself in a bit of a pickle and doesn't know what to do. It does sound like he's being bullied. And it must have been awful for him to go to the extent of taking a picture of his private parts and showing it to people. If that's the truth. Something seems odd about it.


My dd is 14. She's always in the cupboard trying to get all the snacks. They do live to eat rubbish at that age. We don't argue about it.. there is a limited amount, when it's gone it's gone. I'll take my ds to the shop for a little treat is he feels hard done by. But he'd rather eat fruit, he's 8! All that will change.


My oh's Mum said that he used to hide sweets up his sleeves and down his trouser legs when he was a boy!? She used to have to pat him down when she saw him coming out of the kitchen. He's a normal functioning adult now. Still loves food.


Pick your battles. I feel sorry for your boy.

securityguy

Oh, and "he hasn't got an eating disorder because he eats all his dinner"? Really?

stressedoutmum

As i said earlier its not about hot cross bun its asking for things until we can trust him. He rarely goes out with friends because his friends hang about with the naughty kids who he is trying to avoid but when he does we give him money for pics food n bus about £20 so he doesnt miss out. When he had his own money he spent it then stole cos he didny hv any.

I dont think £150 is a small amount of money to steal.

The bullying and photo i only found out about last friday and hv acted on it. The reasons i went to see his friends is because he would not tell us what he done withthe money. I yhought someone may be bullying him into doing it which is why i asked. He wouldnt own up.

His friend did not know he was stealing it from us and it was school who told me about the photo not him.

I acted wuickly not as a snoop but to protect him. He doesnt have to ask for toast sandwiches etc only snacky things so he could hv some but not everyones share so i do not starve my boy. I dont think he has an eating disorder like bulimia etc but do think its sweets for comfort eatng which is why we said hv some not all

Spendless

Hi, I have a 14yo boy and certainly some of what you say, the same happens here. Mine also will want to eat shortly before and after eating his meal and spend money on junk! Mine isn't 'popular' either and we went through problems when he was in yr7. We got help via school for him which helped. He learnt to ignore the 'too cool for school' crowd and has no interest in befriending them, for which I'm thankful. We also go through the have forgotten what has been said, within seconds of you saying it. I sometimes ask him to repeat back what I've said if I suspect he's gone into zoned out mode.

Some of the kids at son's school have exposed themselves on-line. One recently to impress a girl, but someone told everyone else and the year group found it funny. The boy concerned was upset over it, and I took my son to task when he was one of the ones thinking it was amusing. So, daft as it is, I don't think it's that uncommon to do. All you can do is talk to him about why it's not a good idea to repeat it. The kids will find something else to talk about.

The only thing I'm not familiar with is the stealing that's gone on from being small. To me it seems 'odd' but that might purely be because it's something I'm not familiar with. I do have friends who have banned certain friends of their kids from being in their house due to cash going missing, so am aware that it's something that some kids do.

valk_scot

stressedoutmum wrote: »

As i said earlier its not about hot cross bun its asking for things until we can trust him. He rarely goes out with friends because his friends hang about with the naughty kids who he is trying to avoid but when he does we give him money for pics food n bus about £20 so he doesnt miss out. When he had his own money he spent it then stole cos he didny hv any.

I dont think £150 is a small amount of money to steal.

The bullying and photo i only found out about last friday and hv acted on it. The reasons i went to see his friends is because he would not tell us what he done withthe money. I yhought someone may be bullying him into doing it which is why i asked. He wouldnt own up.

His friend did not know he was stealing it from us and it was school who told me about the photo not him.

I acted wuickly not as a snoop but to protect him. He doesnt have to ask for toast sandwiches etc only snacky things so he could hv some but not everyones share so i do not starve my boy. I dont think he has an eating disorder like bulimia etc but do think its sweets for comfort eatng which is why we said hv some not all

It was £120 last time you mentioned it and taken over a period of many weeks/years, not a lump sum. Yes I know money is money but hands up here who didn't swipe the odd 6d or 50p out their mum's purse when they were younger? And what did your mum do once she noticed? Mine gave me a bollocking, didn't let me out after school for a week and kept her purse well out of sight after that. She'd never have let me carry on for weeks or years once she'd spotted it. When I got the vague sense that someone might have been in my purse I started totting up the balance every night, writing it down on a piece of paper with "Paws OFF!!" written on it and tucking the paper in my purse. Never had any problems after that.

Seanymph

I have seen lots of members here try to offer support, advice, and options.

And an OP who asked for help, and has spent the entire thread saying they are right in all things.

That is your problem - if that is what you are doing with your teenager, failing to listen, not validating anything they have said, rebutting their opinion - then he will not respect you.

You get a high number of years free - automatic respect really - because they are little, then you reach a point where they look at you and have enough experience of other people and opinions of their own, and you don't get a free pass, you have to be a person worthy of respect.

You haven't thanked anyone, I haven't seen any skills to validate like 'your point is really helpful and I'll think about it but in our house so far we have'.

Nothing.

As I said earlier, my step son has been a trial - and still is - I am not talking through my hat here. You are disrespecting him as a person, he is not being shown any right or respect in his own home - and I get you think he should 'earn' the right to a second biscuit somehow, but really? You really want to control him to that extent? Because you won't, it will get harder and harder and his disengagement will get more and more.

You need to be respected because you are a valuable adult and he can see that you are fair, consistent, caring and supportive - taking him to the local Harvester at the weekend isn't it.

This boy is in a bad place - clearly - unless you take on some responsibility for your part in the problem he will remain there.

To keep saying what you are doing to 'prove' you are a 'good parent' is not helpful - what you are doing is not working or you wouldn't be on here - so you need to at least open your eyes to entertaining what people are sharing with you as ideas.

thatgirlsam

stressedoutmum wrote: »

As i said earlier its not about hot cross bun its asking for things until we can trust him. He rarely goes out with friends because his friends hang about with the naughty kids who he is trying to avoid but when he does we give him money for pics food n bus about £20 so he doesnt miss out. When he had his own money he spent it then stole cos he didny hv any.

I dont think £150 is a small amount of money to steal.

The bullying and photo i only found out about last friday and hv acted on it. The reasons i went to see his friends is because he would not tell us what he done withthe money. I yhought someone may be bullying him into doing it which is why i asked. He wouldnt own up.

His friend did not know he was stealing it from us and it was school who told me about the photo not him.

I acted wuickly not as a snoop but to protect him. He doesnt have to ask for toast sandwiches etc only snacky things so he could hv some but not everyones share so i do not starve my boy. I dont think he has an eating disorder like bulimia etc but do think its sweets for comfort eatng which is why we said hv some not all

The photo is so worrying. He did not tell you because he knows he'd be in a whole heap of trouble. Do you think he could be being bribed? They could be saying they'll put it on facebook if he doesn't give them money


He is clearly very unhappy. I know that my dd sometimes 'turns' on us for no apparent reason. Except that I know there is a reason, it's something else going on in her life and she's finding it hard to deal with. We get to the bottom of that. Try my best to anyway.


He is 14. He's going to have secrets from you, he's not a little boy anymore. Do you tell him you think he's childish and naïve? Because that is going to make him very angry and resentful. Becoming an adult aint easy.


Things look like they're going wrong here, so maybe consider what you are doing IS NOT working. Could you not start with a fresh slate, cut him some slack with the food issue. It may not seem harsh to you but taking away his phone and Ipad is the very worst thing that could ever happen to him.. my dd would probably rather I beat her black and blue than take away her phone.

thatgirlsam

Seanymph your stepson is a very lucky boy, you sound like a fantastic role model for him. He'll thank you buckets one day.

CH27

OP you just don't seem to take on board the fact you could be handling things better & differently.

None of us are perfect & parenting can be bloo*y hard work.

We all have ideas about how we want to parent but sometimes they don't fit real life.

I think you need to pick your battles & let some of the smaller stuff go.
Most teenagers snack & eat junk. They hide wrappers too.

Give your boy a hug. Tell him you love him & try to work out a way forward.
Try to give him incentives & things to look forward to.

Yes stealing is a big thing but so is bullying & hormones etc.

My son started uni last september so i've been through the teenage years but they do come out of it.