can you help me?

bagpussbear

I think you should be having a conversation with your son and DIL now, I don't think it helps to put things off.

If they are going ahead on the expection/assumption that you will just look after child number 2 because you already have the first one, well that's just rude in my opinion.

But perhaps they aren't assuming that, and are thinking other solutions through.

Perhaps start a conversation on the lines of when DIL goes back to work, what's your plans for the child to be looked after? And go from there.

They need to understand you are finding it hard, and there might be a possibility you can't do it for that much longer given your health.

You aren't being selfish. I find it selfish when people just assume grans/grandads could look after the kids because they aren't working now.
If they want to have another child, they need to out the practicals around it themselves.

mummyroysof3

I'm beginning to think you should ignore the baby issue for now and speak to them about how difficult you are finding school run.

FBaby

I think it would be very wrong of them to take it for granted that you will take the baby with you, and what? look after it all day? Drop it to a nursery? However, I know a couple of people who will go on about how their children rely on them for baby sitting, but then go and moan that they were not asked to look after them on a certain day when after all they are the grand parents and should always be the first one asked. I think it can be very easy to give the wrong message and make it look like you are coping well and actually really enjoy having him at these times.

If I were you, I would just wait until they bring the subject up, or if they don't until it gets close to birth, bring it up gently asking what their intentions are. Then be totally honest about what it is you can do and start sending hints that you are finding it already difficult at the moment. Could you maybe continue with taking your grand son but won't take on the baby? Surely they are not taking for granted that you will look after the baby every day until she comes home?

paddy's_mum

If you don't do something about this, you will end up even more ill, even more disabled and with a bigger row causing even greater discord and unhappiness...you have so much to lose if you let the issue continue unabated.

In your shoes, I'd be taking to my bed for a long weekend of the upcoming Easter school holiday, claiming a sharp flare-up of pain/disability and then tell the parents that the GP has stepped up your painkillers/medication pending further hospital investigations and warned you that you MUST give up the exertion of struggling up hill and down dale on a jolting old bus, while caring for a lively, mischievous little boy is also increasing the physical stresses upon you.

Think on this angle, perhaps - if you continue as you are and further damage your health, you will not be able to see as much of any of your grandchildren whereas if you can contain and mitigate the demands being placed upon you, you could probably go along for years being helpful, caring and loving...and surely, that's a good result all round?

notanewuser

onlyroz wrote: »

My mum is happy to take the kids for a few days over half term but there's no way I'd expect her to do it every day. I'd broach the issue sooner rather than later - perhaps at the 12 week scan stage - because it might take a while to get an alternative child care arrangement in place as childminders and nurseries often have long waiting lists. Have they looked into child care vouchers or tax credits etc that are designed to provide help funding child care? Does the six-year-old's school have a breakfast club? The club at my kid's school is £3 with breakfast or £1.50 without it, so it would hardly break the bank.

I'd be utterly amazed if any school had a breakfast club that opened before 7am each morning (as the mum has to be at work by 7am).

Kayalana99

meritaten wrote: »

at GSs school its about a third of grandparents take or pick up the kids.
at the other grandkids schools - less than a mile away at the other grandkids school its mostly parents or childminders. but they are closer to the 'posher' estates. over in the area where DD lives - for some reason its usually the mumsw- a dad is rare! and the mums are mostly welsh speaking. they went to that school as kids and speak welsh to the other mums. There seem to be little 'pockets' around schools. depending on how many 'posh' estates there are. or whether its an established 'village' school.

Hiya Meritaten - I am not sure if this has been suggested as I havn't read all the posts but I am reading you don't mind looking after the baby but just can't take grandchild to school?

It will cost them but they will be able to pick up a child minder to do the school run - and perhaps you could then look after the baby?

Since the day to day care is more expensive they might really appreciate that.

It's a really good compromise I would of thought?

THAT said you shouldn't feel obligated to look after your children kids - they choose to have them and they are their responsibility.

You've done your time!!!

redpete

meritaten wrote: »

I am finding it very hard now. GS often plays me up and it can be rather fraught getting him to the bus stop on time.

I will wait until the 20 week scan before making a final decision - but THAT is still undecided. and may well depend on GSs behaviour

What's likely to change in his behaviour? You posted previously about the problems you were having with him, it doesn't seem to have changed since.

You won't get any more able to cope, the problem will get worse with a baby as well as the 6 yr-old. It seems to me that you need to decide now that you won't be able to cope and to tell them after the scan.

Kayalana99

+ just to add as I noticed what redpete just quoted about you waiting for the 20 week scan - please don't wait, that's 5months of savings they could of got behind them had they known .. they need to get organized and it's the right thing to bring this up with them.

Georgiegirl256

mummyroysof3 wrote: »

I'm beginning to think you should ignore the baby issue for now and speak to them about how difficult you are finding school run.

Exactly this. Can they not see the difficulties you are already having with looking after your GS? Do they not know you are finding it a struggle? Or do they know, but are choosing to ignore it for their own selfish reasons?

Surely if anyone could see that their parent was struggling looking after their child, they would intervene and find a different solution if possible. To push on with something that could be detrimental to your health isn't very fair.

Have you not told them what a struggle it is for you?

Maybe, they're not planning on asking you to look after the new baby? Maybe you're worrying for nothing? The only way to sort this is to have a word with them, sooner rather than later.

quidsy

I'd be straight about it. Say what you have said here. You are thrilled about the new child but just wont be able to help out with the new one like you did with the older becuase your disbaility & age mean you dont have the strength for it. and whils we are on the subject, getting the older one to school is getting too much too, they might want to look at childminders.