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can you help me?

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  • dundeediva
    dundeediva Posts: 413 Forumite
    My grandparents look after my dd two days a week as well as having my 2yo cousin. They asked to have her but i had reservations. However they are both 65, both in perfect health and dont have any issues with mobility etc.

    I think they are taking the p*ss tbh, do they know how hard things are for you in everyday life? From my perspective if i were them i'd like to know now so I could plan. Plus where I live theres waiting lists for nurseries etc.

    Good luck and congrats on becoming a granny again :)
    Saving money like a trouper...
  • mwddrwg
    mwddrwg Posts: 521 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 100 Posts Photogenic Name Dropper
    meritaten wrote: »
    That's funny - that's what my consultant wanted to do! put a rod down my back! I refused.:rotfl:

    I get the feeling there is a bit of culture difference here. In the Valley in South Wales where I am, a good third or maybe even half of kids in GSs primary school are taken and/or picked up by grandparents. its 'taken for granted' here that grandparents mind the kids for the parents to work.
    Most jobs are NMW so as childminders get more than that - its not an option for most parents.
    That is just the economic reality of life here.

    It's similar up here in North Wales I think - lots of grandparents do it, including my kids' grandparents. We have twins (9yo) and grandparents live in the same village as us and wait for them to come home from school at our house every day (we take them to school).

    Having more kids is not an option for us because purely of the chidlcare issue, plain and simple. We would not be able to afford to pay for it ourselves and we wouldn't make grandparents start all over again with a new baby (or babies!). It wouldn't be fair as they're not in the best of health either. They already do loads for us. My parter is 40 now and getting broody and I feel so gulity that we can't have more kids purely becuase of financial reasons. Makes me sad to be honest :(
    In deep...
  • thorsoak
    thorsoak Posts: 7,166 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Name Dropper
    Meri - like others, I think that it would be best to leave it until say 16 weeks and then ask outright - what are you planning to do about going back to work - because with my health deteriorating, there is no way I'm going to be able to help you for the next 6+ years in the way that I've been able to help you with No 1! Of course I'll be there for emergencies, but it would be unfair to you to let you think that I could continue as I have done in the past!"

    Or words to that effect ;-)
  • harrys_nan
    harrys_nan Posts: 1,777 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Photogenic
    meri, I think if somebody else was posting this you would tell them to put their own health first and explain to the dil and son that there are problems with looking after the grandchildren, not because they are not loved but due to age/mobility.
    Can/does your dil/son quailify for any benefit help if she doesn't go back to work, also is there anything she is good at that she could do something from home and earn money that way? My daughter set herself up in a little business and is doing quiet well, will never make a fortune but it all helps.
    Treat other's how you like to be treated.

    Harry born 23/09/2008
    New baby grandson, Louie born 28/06/2012,
    Proud nanny to two beautiful boys :j
    And now I have the joy of having my foster granddaughter becoming my real granddaughter. Can't ask for anything better

    UPDATE,
    As of today 180919. my granddaughter is now my official granddaughter, adoption finally granted
  • DigForVictory
    DigForVictory Posts: 12,104 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts Name Dropper Photogenic
    Any puns on lack of spine can be made by others later. The suggestion that you spend Easter childfree on doctors orders is a good one - as it'll give your son & DiL (who is probably a sweetie, but just hasn't thought it through) a jolt.

    There is a world of diffrerence between a rod down the back & a rod for your back - and regardless of local cultural mores, if you aren't well enough to lug grandson up the hill to the bus, the whole family needs to know.

    It doesn't stop you loving them, it shouldn't bring seeing Granny to a crashing halt, it with luck will bring seeing Granny (& Granda!?) to a Special Treat as it has to be considered & agreed.

    Talk to your son as soon as possible. If DiL is in robust good health, include her at the same time. Make sure *all* your offspring know that you love them to bits, but that's where your back is going, so you are going to have to take things a bit more gently.

    How you explain it to your adoring young grandchildren has to be pretty much the same, but they need to learn "mind my back!" means "get down, carefully, Now!". Teach the grandson, and his parents will be getting the same message from both channels...
  • whodathunkit
    whodathunkit Posts: 1,130 Forumite
    Kayalana99 wrote: »
    Hiya Meritaten - I am not sure if this has been suggested as I havn't read all the posts but I am reading you don't mind looking after the baby but just can't take grandchild to school?

    It will cost them but they will be able to pick up a child minder to do the school run - and perhaps you could then look after the baby?

    Since the day to day care is more expensive they might really appreciate that.

    It's a really good compromise I would of thought?

    THAT said you shouldn't feel obligated to look after your children kids - they choose to have them and they are their responsibility.

    You've done your time!!! :D

    I don't think thst looking after a baby who's getting heavier every day that you're getting older is a terribly good idea. In addition,this would involve far longer hours and far more work than looking after an older child before school.
  • I have a devious and cunning way of broaching the subject.

    You invite them to dinner, because you are having a joint celebration. Their celebration of a new baby, and your celebration because you are moving to a new build retirement appartment on the coast.

    When they say, "But who will look after our children" you can say "I'm sorry, but I would have thought you'd have worked that out before going ahead and having another...You are rather taking me for granted here"
  • tatabubbly
    tatabubbly Posts: 909 Forumite
    Seventh Anniversary Combo Breaker
    Maybe the DIL mightn't want to go back to work after she has her 2nd baby? Just a thought

    I think its best to wait before you mention it..
    094 Sealed pot member! :beer: (7) €185 (8) €138 (9) €€250
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  • Gillyx
    Gillyx Posts: 6,847 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture Combo Breaker
    In all honesty you need to speak to them about the child who is already here. Be honest about the difficulties you're facing ATM and how draining you are finding it.

    I have a 2 year old son, and at the moment both my parents are still working, and I am a SAHM partly through choice and partly due to the cost of childcare. However if circumstances changed I would not consider going back to work if my only option of childcare was my parents, as a one off, I don't mind asking for my child to be minded for a few hours, but a commitment isn't fair IMO. Once you get to retirement age some of your time should be yours, if you want to have a lay in, you should be able to do it, and not feel forced into getting up as you have the responsibility of getting your grandchild to school.

    It's absolute insanity IMO if your son and DIL have agreed to have another child and haven't even given a second though as to how they will afford childcare, and IF they can't afford it, they should have asked you prior to falling pregnant, if it would be possible for you to mind another, and if the answer had been no, they would have had to curb the idea for another child or come up with another solution.

    The sad thing is if they do expect you to look after the baby too and they have no other arrangements in place, you will feel obliged to help them. It's the complete lack of respect some people have for there parents which astounds me :(
    The frontier is never somewhere else. And no stockades can keep the midnight out.
  • Kayalana99
    Kayalana99 Posts: 3,626 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 1,000 Posts Combo Breaker I've been Money Tipped!
    I don't think thst looking after a baby who's getting heavier every day that you're getting older is a terribly good idea. In addition,this would involve far longer hours and far more work than looking after an older child before school.

    Yes but it's the OP's decision - she has stated that she can care for them at home but just can't get out and about. It doesn't make it fair for them to expect this of her but OP obviously loves her kids and grand kids and would do anything for them - so theirs no point pointing fingers that they are in the wrong but seek a solution that she is happy with - and I don't think turning round and saying I am not looking after either child is what she wants.
    meritaten wrote: »
    I have six grandchildren and they are my main pleasure in life to be honest. I adore all of them. I love to have them for sleepovers, or come to visit. we do take them out on nice days or have craft days when its rainy.

    its the issue of getting GS to school - I have mobility issues and don't drive. luckily, we have a bus stop near. - but the buses don't always co-operate and run on time. and the thought of taking GS AND a baby up to, and back from school is really daunting. that IS the main issue.
    and this thread has clarified that for me. its not looking after the baby - I can do that, I can look after GS too. its the 'logistics'! of getting from A to B and back to A again! without too much pain!
    I don't mind being unpaid childcare, I don't mind looking after more than one - I am used to it!
    People don't know what they want until you show them.
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