can you help me?

iwannanicerlife

I think you're all jumping to huge conclusions. What's to say that her son and DIL are thinking exactly along the same lines but aren't sure how to broach the matter with her - they may be worried about upsetting her!

The only way to find out is for the poster to have a chat with her family .....!

Bangton

This may be overly harsh but I just don't get why so many grandparents bear the responsibility of childcare. My mum,, plain and simple made it clear she will never provide regular childcare for any of us and tbh rightly so. I think I'd bite the bullet and ask what they were thinking with childcare. I fell pregnant last year and being that we aren't well off and childcare is close to £700 a month full time it was very much on my mind in the early days so I don't think, personally it's too early to say

claire16c

meritaten wrote: »

That's funny - that's what my consultant wanted to do! put a rod down my back! I refused.:rotfl:

I get the feeling there is a bit of culture difference here. In the Valley in South Wales where I am, a good third or maybe even half of kids in GSs primary school are taken and/or picked up by grandparents. its 'taken for granted' here that grandparents mind the kids for the parents to work.
Most jobs are NMW so as childminders get more than that - its not an option for most parents.
That is just the economic reality of life here.

If your DIL is only on NMW then perhaps she should train to be a child minder herself then!

I dont see how anyone on NMW could be better off working and paying for childcare for 2 children than if they stayed at home, so perhaps that's her plan?

It would be very selfish and silly of them to plan a 2nd baby and just assume youll look after it full time! I mean its not like the baby is going to be at school most of the day like your GS.

Id just wait til later on, and then when the subject comes up, make it very clear that there is no way you are about to become a full time carer for the baby plus looking after your GS too.

And as she'll be off on maternity leave for a while anyway so surely shed be looking after the GS then, which could provide you with a way out/break of the arrangement anyway.

I know my Mum would look after our child 1-2 days a week, but I wouldnt expect or ask anymore than that, and certainly not for more than 1 child unless she offered.

jee

OP I do feel bad for you. I'm sure your Son and dil would be very worried if they knew you were finding it a struggle. Maybe your son and dil will be able to change their working day to a little later so they can take their son to school. Maybe a mum who goes to work later will be able to take the boy to school.
Either way I would let your son know that you find it difficult to walk to school to give them plenty of time to find alternative arrangements.
I'm sure you feel worried as you don't want either to give up a job but there must be a solution.

neverdespairgirl

If grandparents and parents are both happy and able to do it, seems like a great option.

But it doesn't seem right to me for any parent to expect Granny or Grandad to spend so much time and energy looking after grandchildren, and I'd expect massive gratitude and lack of taking for granted on the parents' behalfs.

My mother wasn't working when my son was born (he's now 8) but I never assumed that she'd want to drop her own life and bring him up! She did spend a lot of time with us when he was a newborn baby, stayed a few weeks, dropped by regularly, etc, and offered to be emergency childcare Plan B when I went back to work. On several occasions, when our normal arrangements went wrong, she did help out.

But she brought up 4 children of her own, and it never occurred to me that she'd want to start again in her 50s bringing up grandchildren! And now I'm expecting number 2, I expect she'll want to enjoy him, not raise him.

jellyhead

whodathunkit wrote: »

I don't think thst looking after a baby who's getting heavier every day that you're getting older is a terribly good idea. In addition,this would involve far longer hours and far more work than looking after an older child before school.

It sounds like she would be okay with minding a baby at home though, whereas getting the older one to school is causing pain.

Meritaten would you be able to take the baby to play groups, to the park, for walks, etc? If not, would the other grandparents be able to?

GobbledyGook

I wouldn't wait. Firstly because they may have just assumed and the longer they have to plan and save the better. Secondly because of the mention that there may no no entitlement to maternity leave - whilst she'll probably get statutory mat pay there is a chance they could be planning for her to go back to work considerably sooner than 9 months or a year which again shortens the time for them to plan things.

jaylee3

GobbledyGook wrote: »

I wouldn't wait. Firstly because they may have just assumed and the longer they have to plan and save the better. Secondly because of the mention that there may no no entitlement to maternity leave - whilst she'll probably get statutory mat pay there is a chance they could be planning for her to go back to work considerably sooner than 9 months or a year which again shortens the time for them to plan things.

This ^^^ Meri, you need to tell them ASAP. Whether it's early on in the pregnancy or later on, it still needs to be said. And the sooner the better! There's no easy way to do it I know, and I don't envy you. Put forward your deteriorating health, and plus - not being rude - but a 60 y.o. is no spring chicken: my friend had a baby at 23, and he was grown by the time she was 40-ish, and then she had another at 43! She is now 47, and her second son is 4, and she said she is constantly frazzled and worn and shattered, and even though she is slim (about size 14,) and fit, she is struggling. At 60, you should NOT be running around after young kids.

Tell them now Meri.

CreditCrunchie

It's absolutely amazing to me that anyone would just expect this of you! We are (or rather, were!) trying for a baby and would never ask anyone to do what you have been doing. We are going into it with the knowledge that this is OUR baby and WE made the decision to have it, so therefore all the responsibility should fall on us. For a start my parents live abroad (and are not particularly keen on children!) and MIL to be has a busy job and is already landed with the other grandkids most weekends. She adores them but often complains to us how tiring it is.

I think you're a saint for doing what you have done so far! Like some of the suggestions above, just frop gentle hints by saying you're going to have to take it easier now due to x, y, z, and what are their childcare plans?

I think of it as you've already done this once, why should you have to do it all over again now? It's nice to be the good guy who can look after the kids once in a while.... then hand them back!!! x

meritaten

I am amazed at the response this thread got! so many posts and all with good advice. Thank you all so much - actually, people have said such nice things that I found myself filling up at some posts.

You have really helped me clarify the situation in my mind. not certain about when I will speak to Son and DIL, but speak to them I must, probably in about six weeks. she will still be less than three months pregnant so will have six months to work out a solution.
(Or for me to come up with one)
I think I will take the line that I wanted to tell them I am really struggling to get GS to school. and back home again. Just with GS - I CANT do it with a baby as well. I am happy to mind the baby AND GS at home, but we are going to have to work out how to get him to school.
GS is a handful - they both know that, lol, but they know that now the 'hitting' has been sorted out, I can handle him. its just a bit wearing when he is playing up. I can handle him but it takes it out of me.

I do speak up for myself, I have had to remind my kids that I deserve a few free weekends on occasion - and sometimes I have hospital or doctors appointments which clash with childminding - but the other grandparents are as willing to swop 'days' as I am. its worked well for the last six years.

btw - DIL works part-time, but the store is so understaffed she gets offered lots of extra hours, and naturally she will take them. she makes sure she finishes on time to pick up GS from school though - it has been very rare (emergency really), when she has asked me to pick him up as well.