can you help me?

Lily-Rose_3

GobbledyGook wrote: »

See I do not understand people who assume that the Grandparents will take on childcare. I mean I had a fair idea that in our case my PIL would want to mind DD when I went back to work 1 day a week, but we had already arranged a nursery when they said they wanted to have her because we simply didn't assume that just because we knew they'd want to do it that meant they would do it. There was never any assumption on our part that they would take her. By the time I was pregnant with DD2 MIL's mother was very bad with dementia and needing a lot of care so there was no question of them having both children as it would simply have been too much. However they really wanted to do it so we compromised and the girls both went into nursery (I didn't go back to work until DD2 was 18 months), but every other week when Granny was at respite PIL took one of them for the afternoon. As they were booked into nursery anyway it wasn't an issue if they couldn't manage or simply fancied a day to themselves and they didn't feel the least bit bad about it as the nursery day was already paid for.

My Grandparents had my brother and I every Friday night before we ended up living with them. They loved it (before things went bad - after that it was a chance to check on us) and looked forward to it. At the same time though my Nana's sister only ever had my cousin (her granddaughter) when her parents went to a funeral. That suited her and it suited my cousin's Mum as well.

I don't understand why people would presume the land such a big role on their parents or PIL's without any discussion. It's beyond rude. You wouldn't just turn up at a nursery or childminder without a discussion about their availability so why would you just assume your parents/PIL were available?

I agree with this. When we had our daughter (mid 90s,) I arranged a childminder for her, for when I returned to work. It didn't even cross my mind to ask my parents. I know many do, and I am not having a go, but I just wouldn't have. They were pensioners for a start, and they had spent 3 decades raising kids, and I would never have asked them or expected them to have our daughter - same with DH's parents.

I know a woman who planned a baby and had twins, and she told me all along that her (70 year old) mother was going to have them whilst she carried on with her mobile hairdressing business. Sadly, her mother passed away when the twins were 2 weeks old, very suddenly, after a heart attack.

My friend was devastated at her mother's death, and had 2 newborn babies to deal with, and also nobody to look after them now. She had to give up her business as she couldn't continue it. But yes, she did plan on letting her mother look after the two babies within a month of having them; despite the woman being 70.

Maybe some women (even of pensionable age,) are OK with looking after their grandchildren while their children are at work, but I must be honest, I wouldn't be very happy with it. I would help out whenever possible of course, but would not make the commitment to have them every day. Maybe 2 days a week, but no more.

jellyhead

It's never been an option for me because my parents are only 62. By the time they retire, I won't need childcare.

MIL is retired on health grounds. My in-laws are not local (near enough to visit at least once a month), but even if they were I wouldn't ask them to do regular childcare - partly because I know that MIL would say yes, no matter whether it caused her physical pain. She invites my eldest to stay for a week in the summer, and sometimes has the youngest for a few hours at a time, but I wouldn't want her to feel obligated.

I guess that in most cases where grandparents are doing the childcare, the grandparents have put themselves forward to do it, rather than it being assumed by their children?

meritaten

this is interesting - a whole spectrum of views on grandparents childminding!

I am settled in my mind now, WHAT I am going to say and WHEN. and you have all helped me so much in getting here. THANK YOU ALL!
in the meantime - the debate seems to be moving on, so if you want to use this thread to post your own 'dilemmas' feel free! mine is sorted.

jellyhead

Glad you got it sorted in your mind

sulphate

jellyhead wrote: »

It's never been an option for me because my parents are only 62. By the time they retire, I won't need childcare.

MIL is retired on health grounds. My in-laws are not local (near enough to visit at least once a month), but even if they were I wouldn't ask them to do regular childcare - partly because I know that MIL would say yes, no matter whether it caused her physical pain. She invites my eldest to stay for a week in the summer, and sometimes has the youngest for a few hours at a time, but I wouldn't want her to feel obligated.

I guess that in most cases where grandparents are doing the childcare, the grandparents have put themselves forward to do it, rather than it being assumed by their children?

I agree. I know many couples who both work and most of them have parents who look after the child at least 1-2 days a week.

We are trying for a baby at the moment and my mum has already said countless times that she wants to help look after baby if I am able to go back to work part time (we can't afford for me to be a SAHM). I am my mum's only child and she would not have any other grandchildren to look after. Obviously if the time comes and she is unable to we will make alternative arrangements.

springdreams

I agree with those that say you should definitely speak to your son and DIL, and tell them you are struggling with DGS. I hope the conversation goes well for you all.

In the meantime, however, could your DH not help with taking DGS to school in the morning? Surely he knows how much you are struggling with the school run?

victory

meritaten wrote: »

this is interesting - a whole spectrum of views on grandparents childminding!

I am settled in my mind now, WHAT I am going to say and WHEN. and you have all helped me so much in getting here. THANK YOU ALL!
in the meantime - the debate seems to be moving on, so if you want to use this thread to post your own 'dilemmas' feel free! mine is sorted.

I'm pleased for you, hope it goes well and everyone is happy with the chat:D

pukkamum

I do wonder if part of the problem is that many adult children are in denial or don't want to think about their parents getting old.
I had to tell my sister to seriously reconsider getting mum to have her very hard work 18mth old for 4 days a week, including overnights.
Mum at that point was having serious leg and back problems which were virtually making her housebound.
Sister accused me of treating her like an old lady, I made the point that she is becoming an old lady physically if not mentally and we have to accept that, luckily she made other arrangements., albeit very grudgingly after much arguing.
I then had to listen to mum saying how wonderful my sister was for considering her health and not asking for childcare, so tempted to telk her about the big row sister and I had over it!