can you help me?

meritaten

mountainofdebt wrote: »

Sorry but I would start dropping hints now that the current arrangement can't continue - even taking the baby out of the equation I think its a cheek to expect you to do all that and absolutely jaw dropping if they expected you to look after the baby as well.

If the hints don't hit home then you need to tell them directly.

Personally I would be telling them now that they need to think about alternative childcare for the 6yr old......you're not having a grandmother / grandchild relationship you're having a child-carer / child relationship

What does your husband say as I'm sure its crossed his mind you'll be called upon to provide free childcare for the new one

No, I wouldn't call my relationship with GS that of Carer. I am his Nan. Carer implies a less personal relationship. he spends a lot of time with me by HIS choice. his parents don't dump him on me to go shopping - he ASKS if he can go stay with nanny instead. and they phone and ask if that's ok.
My OH hasn't bothered his pretty head about that yet - but, when it does occur to him that I will have two kids to cart up to school his reaction will be...............'They are taking the Pi$$ again'.

thinking about it - its not so much the looking after GS - its the getting him to school. sometimes the bus is really late or doesn't turn up - which means standing for too long. then its the walk home or stand around for twenty minutes waiting for a bus. THIS is the main problem. I can get home and despite taking painkillers before leaving the house I am in a lot of pain. I need to think on this.
I actually prefer school holidays when I am minding him.

FatVonD

I think you're right to wait until the 20 week check but I wouldn't leave it much longer as I suspect it might get worse before it gets better, are they likely to expect you to help more rather than less when she's heavily pregnant?

Maybe you could say something along the lines of 'when you're finding a childminder for the new baby could you think about finding one that could drop DGS to school in the morning as well.'

If you feel really bad you could add something like 'I'm still happy to pick him up from school sometimes because the journey home is so much easier being downhill and not racing against the clock'.

jellyhead

I don't know your financial situation, but could you afford to help out with an after school club for the, erm, lively 6 year old? Most schools have them nowadays, and even once a week might help your health and the boy might enjoy having the other children to run around and play with. Or before school, if you find that the hardest?

Or perhaps you could just suggest it as an option, and your son and DIL could pay for it. Most working parents have to pay something for childcare, it won't come as a shock, I shouldn't think? If they can afford a second child they're probably not as poor as you think.

If you sow this seed now, perhaps not immediately so they don't think you are being negative about their baby, but before the birth, then they will see that health-wise you are struggling, and it should dawn on them that you can't manage with a baby.

You could casually mention that you saw such and such and she said how much her grandson is enjoying the after school club, and you thought it might be nice for your grandson to have that sort of company after school, or maybe say that your doctor recommended it.

Try not to seem unhappy about the idea of the new baby though, because I felt resentful after my miscarriage that my gran had been so vocal about her displeasure when I first told her that I was pregnant. I loved her to bits, but it would have been nicer if she'd bit her tongue that time.

krlyr

Rather than upset DIL by speaking to her early on in the pregnancy, could you maybe just have an informal chat with your son about their childcare plans? Just ask him if they've made any - explain that as much as you love your GS, even the thought of a baby around is enough to make you feel tired!

It may be, as some other posters have said, that they're not assuming you'll care for the new baby at all. You won't know until you ask, and there's no point worrying about what-ifs that may never happen.

It sounds like there may be an issue of you struggling with GS too, completely separate to the new baby, but it may be worthwhile speaking to your son about that too. It could be that they're more than happy to find a compromise if you were to make them aware of your health struggles - e.g. asking another parent to pop by and walk him to school or something.

It's not quite the same, but my nan dogsits for me occasionally, and I would never expect her to do things like take them out in the garden for wees (her garden isn't completely fenced in so it'd have to be on-lead, and I'd worry about her getting pulled over given the size of them) so on the rare occasion they're left longer than they could comfortably hold their bladders, I arrange for another family member to pop by and sort them out. I still get the convenience of a nearby dog sitter (my nan lives opposite, couldn't get closer really!) but I'd never put her hea;th at risk by asking her to do something I know she'd physically struggle with. Does your son know how difficult you're finding certain aspects of your GS's care?

Mojisola

jellyhead wrote: »

I don't know your financial situation, but could you afford to help out with an after school club for the, erm, lively 6 year old? Most schools have them nowadays, and even once a week might help your health and the boy might enjoy having the other children to run around and play with. Or before school, if you find that the hardest?

Or perhaps you could just suggest it as an option, and your son and DIL could pay for it.

Definitely the second! What kind of adult children would expect a grandmother to pay out for childcare because looking after the grandchild (for free) was making her ill?

marisco_2

meritaten wrote: »

My Son and DIL have just announced a week ago that they are having another baby.

:eek:

Surely your Son and DIL have not just assumed, that baby could be passed onto you to be cared for alongside your 6 year old grandson, once she decides to return to work. That would be incredibly rude and presumptuous of them. Planning on extending a family should not be based on thinking that way. I find it very concerning that you are sure there could be a huge row and ill feeling, if you were just to explain how minding your grandson is becoming too much, and that you couldn't take on the care of the new baby as well. Your Son and DIL should be very grateful for all you have done for them, and accept that it is now up to them to make another arrangement.

Feel totally confidant and at ease that you have every right to say something along the lines of 'As much as I love caring for grandson I feel it is becoming too much for me. I have enjoyed helping you both out and spending time with him, but you need to look at alternate childcare as soon as possible, and definitely before the new baby arrives'. They would be very much in the wrong if they tried to guilt trip you or made you feel bad about doing this. You come across as a lovely person on here who would do anything for anyone. You cant put others needs above your own though, especially when it could be detrimental to your health.

bylromarha

It seems to be expected these days that, if grandparents are about and just a little bit healthy, why wouldn't they be happy to do some of the childcare?

Glad you've decided to bring the subject up, and glad you've decided to wait until the 20 week scan too. I too remember your thread from a few months back about your DGS, and think you have been given a gift to bring up how the current arrangement is no longer working for you.

Have you decided if you're just going to say you can't have the baby, or are you going to ask them to use her time off work to look for alternative regular care for the 6 year old for the 2-3 days a week you have him from 7am, as your health is making it hard for you to keep up with him?

Please don't think you're being selfish - you aren't. They're your grandchildren, not your children.

mountainofdebt

Meritaten

Am I right in thinking that you have the GS because his mum needs to leave early because of her hours and is on NMW?


If that is the case then I think you are right in assuming that they will expect you to have the baby.

And to be honest I think your OH is right - they will be taking the p!ss

meritaten

jellyhead wrote: »

I don't know your financial situation, but could you afford to help out with an after school club for the, erm, lively 6 year old? Most schools have them nowadays, and even once a week might help your health and the boy might enjoy having the other children to run around and play with. Or before school, if you find that the hardest?

Or perhaps you could just suggest it as an option, and your son and DIL could pay for it. Most working parents have to pay something for childcare, it won't come as a shock, I shouldn't think? If they can afford a second child they're probably not as poor as you think.

If you sow this seed now, perhaps not immediately so they don't think you are being negative about their baby, but before the birth, then they will see that health-wise you are struggling, and it should dawn on them that you can't manage with a baby.

You could casually mention that you saw such and such and she said how much her grandson is enjoying the after school club, and you thought it might be nice for your grandson to have that sort of company after school, or maybe say that your doctor recommended it.

Try not to seem unhappy about the idea of the new baby though, because I felt resentful after my miscarriage that my gran had been so vocal about her displeasure when I first told her that I was pregnant. I loved her to bits, but it would have been nicer if she'd bit her tongue that time.

um, you have managed to read my post totally wrong. I don't pick him up from school so AFTER school doesn't concern me.

I am NOT unhappy about the new baby - I am THRILLED! I think its lovely! and am looking forward to it! and I would NEVER be anything less than supportive to my son and DIL - which is why I am so upset that I feel I am physically unable to look after both GS and the new baby.
I want to be able to help them - its just my disability is worrying me right now.

marisco_2

bylromarha wrote: »

It seems to be expected these days that, if grandparents are about and just a little bit healthy, why wouldn't they be happy to do some of the childcare.

My dad and step mum would happily help me out. Maybe I am too independent minded but I wouldn't wish to burden them with such responsibility or restriction on their time. They have done the hard slog and raised their own kids and made a great job of it. I want their time with their grandchildren to be pleasurable not hard work.