can you help me?

meritaten

sort out my thoughts and feelings and then I can make a decision?

My Son and DIL have just announced a week ago that they are having another baby. their son is 6 yrs old.

I am absolutely thrilled about the baby, I really am, its just:
I mind the 6 yr old two or three days a week for DIL to work. I have done this since he was a couple of months old. In the beginning I didn't really want to, but she wouldn't have been able to work if I don't so felt I didn't have much choice as I know they really needed the money.
she starts work at 7.00am so I have to get up early, then get him dressed (sometimes give him breakfast), and take him to school.
I am 60 this year and disabled - I don't know how I am going to manage GS AND a baby. I am finding it very hard now. GS often plays me up and it can be rather fraught getting him to the bus stop on time. I simply cannot walk up the hill to the school in the next village. I do mostly walk home because there is a 20 minute wait for the bus, nowhere to sit, and I get home the same time. and its easier downhill!
I know she plans on returning to work - but right now she doesn't even know if she is entitled to maternity leave on her part time hours. Help please because I really don't know whether to say nothing and see how it goes - or tell her I don't want to do it and perhaps cause a huge row (because I know it wont go down well), when with a bit more knowledge or some bright suggestion from you all, I can make a decision everyone is happy with. Sorry if I have rambled on - but I just don't know what to do for the best.

kazwookie

Harsh as it may be, just tell her what to have told us, and ask for other child care arrangements to be made, you need to look after YOU and your health.

jellyhead

Has she looked at tax credits? Just wondering, because they can help with childcare costs.

lindsaygalaxy

I think you have to be honest from the start so that they can plan around it, though if they are fair they should ask you rather than expect. My mum looked after my dd 2 days a week when I returned to work but when I had my Ds 5 years later I worked part time and he went to nursery as I didnt think it was fair on her. Sometimes being a parent means that you have to pay childcare costs.

littleredhen

I really would talk to them and say the difficulties you are finding in looking after the 6 y/o. I would hope that they wouldn't expect you automatically to look afte the new baby without discussing it with you first.
You have to be honest with them and ask them to make other plans including the 6y/o if it's too much. Honesty is always the best policy IMHO
Be strong and it's not up to you to come up with a solution, see if they come up with something that you could consider. Good luck

GobbledyGook

I think it's bloody selfish of your son and DIL if they've simply assumed you'll mind the baby as well.

I think you need to speak to them about their plans. Personally, I'd speak to them sounding like I assumed they'd be employing childcare because I wouldn't expect my son and dil to be so rude or selfish.

The problem is not just that you don't want to do it - you are 60 and disabled. Are you actually physically up to caring for a baby as well as your GS?

They might not like the fact that you don't want/or can't do what they expect, but far, far better that they know now when they can plan rather than it emerging just as DIL is due back at work, or just back at work, that you cannot cope. There is no shame in not being able to cope with caring for 2 grandchildren at 60 and with disabilities and it's incredibly unfair of your son and dil if they've just made assumptions without even speaking to you (let alone asking).

trolleyrun

Wait and see how the pregnancy progresses, as I'm guessing she's not far along? Then, maybe around the 6 month mark or so, ask them what their child care plans are. Open ended question, where if they say "we thought you could do it" you can then reply that you're not up to it physically.

It sounds a bit like they're taking you for granted, which isn't really acceptable. You need to look after your health and well-being too. Perhaps placate them by saying you are willing to do a bit of babysitting if they want a night out etc, but not all the time. Good luck!

Person_one

Isn't your son a member on here?

sulkisu

As difficult as it is, you need to be honest with them. As a mum, I would much rather make alternative childcare arrangements than have my children cared for by someone who was struggling to do it - for my childrens' sake as much as for the caregiver. Ultimately your son/DIL children are their responsibility, and if starting (or extending) a family means that they have to manage on one income or pay for child care, that's what they will have to do. The only thing that I would add is that you owe it to them to tell them ASAP, to give them time to make plans.

WestonDave

She's going to have 9 months maternity leave which will create a natural break in the current arrangements anyway. On that basis I would leave it a little while so its not the first response to their news but once the 20 week scans etc are done it might be an appropriate time to look for the right day to say that you've been thinking about your health and the strain the old arrangements have caused - with the result that you don't feel medically able to continue with the current set up let alone the extra strain and all the bending and lifting that goes with having a one year old (or thereabouts) in your care.

jackyann

It's actually not clear from your original post what assumptions they have made.
Many years ago, in a slightly different position I worried about saying to my m-i-l that I thought she wouldn't cope in a childcare situation. As I started to say something, she said "Oh I'm so glad you've realised that much as I love (older GCs) I couldn't manage a toddler as well".

I would certainly wait a little while to see how the land lies as they may have picked up on your difficulties. However, in a few months or if they do appear to be making assumptions, then you must say you can't cope. A lot of grans in your situation say that they will step in on odd occasions if there is a problem, but can't do anything regularly. Offer such help as you can, like cooking, or going round simply to play with the children to give mum a bit of peace. Ask them what would be helpful.

As for "playing you up" - I am not sure if you are talking about normal 6 year old mischief, or a child who is difficult to handle (or somewhere in-between). But I do think you need to be clear about what you can handle, and (depending on your relationship) you or parents need to explain to your DGS that you can't manage the same things as his parents, and he needs to help you so mummy & daddy can go to work.

And I think you should mention a visit to Dr / hospital / physio / whatever is due soon, then you say they have advised you to do X, or not do Y - or something similar, to plant the idea that you are not up to running about after energetic LOs.