Wedding dilemma

balletshoes

totallybored wrote: »

And maybe that's why divorce rates are so high? Because it's a big day that's about them and not about what really matters, a commitment to spend the rest of their life with someone?

whats the divorce rate got to do with having a small wedding which is restricted by numbers, so the couple decide to invite who they want to invite, rather than inviting as per Debrettes?

peachyprice

lostinrates wrote: »

I would want to go with my husband to be with him in the very precious time off. To meet people he cared about and join in celebrating them going on. I feel if they are people who want him at their wedding they might well be people who want an ongoing relationship and to share with him what's important in his life too.

But that's what you would want, not necessarily what the bride and groom would want.

If they were work colleagues that you had never met and only knew him in a professional capacity and had no intention of being out of work friends would you still want to go?

Person_one

balletshoes wrote: »

whats the divorce rate got to do with having a small wedding which is restricted by numbers, so the couple decide to invite who they want to invite, rather than inviting as per Debrettes?

I thought the point was very clear, and more general. Are you pretending not to understand, be honest now!

balletshoes

poet123 wrote: »

Perhaps, traditionally, weddings were about two individuals and two families coming together. Increasingly, it seems only the wishes of the Bride and Groom count and little thought is given to the feelings of others. One of my nieces got married abroad even though her mother couldn't fly due to medical reasons, her mother was really upset, as was her grandmother, but they did it anyway. When they came home they had a party for friends and family, it seemed that they had upset a lot of people though because there was hardly anyone there and they were very upset.

I think that any couple can do as they wish on their wedding day, but others will feel how they feel and they may show that, if they do the couple have to accept that they see things one way and others see things another way.

whilst i agree with all of that completely, i tend to be on the bride and groom's side these days, not least of all because lots of traditions regarding families joining in marriage, traditional couple and family roles/make-up etc, have changed drastically over the years.

I'm aware I have a simplistic view on this, but I do believe a couple should have the wedding day they want, the wedding day they arrange, the wedding day they pay for, and they should always accept that any invitation to join them is simply that, an invitation, not a command or an order .

balletshoes

Person_one wrote: »

I thought the point was very clear, and more general. Are you pretending not to understand, be honest now!

no, i really don't understand why a couple would be more likely to get divorced because they invite who they want to a small wedding? what point did you get from it?

eta - i'm sure we've discussed this in other wedding threads person_one - and my attitude is "lifes too short and you'll never please everyone, so you might as well please yourself".

duchy

Person_one wrote: »

Well yes, its my opinion, but its not just my opinion its also been a tradition for a really long time and is what the etiquette guides like Debrett's recommend as the best way to behave.

If you can't afford to invite both halves of a couple, have a cheaper wedding or maybe invite them both to the evening do.

This is the real point. If your guest list is 400 then don't budget for a 300 person wedding. If you can't afford the number of guests then perhaps you haven't budgeted correctly.

lostinrates

peachyprice wrote: »

But that's what you would want, not necessarily what the bride and groom would want.

If they were work colleagues that you had never met and only knew him in a professional capacity and had no intention of being out of work friends would you still want to go?

I specifically was answering your question about why anyone would want to go to a wedding under the circumstances the people were friends of their spouse. It seems a reasonable response in that context, no?

I was NOT saying I expected a couple to plan around their guests! but it would form the basis of declining an invitation. I can see it would be unreasonable if the latter was the reps once, but the former seems to me reasonable!


I find it odd if people were inviting work colleagues but not the spouses of closer 'non out of work ' friends.

No, neither of us would go if the wedding were at a weekend. We don't see each other at all five days a week, so for the prioritising of our marriage (under admittedly atypical circumstances, but ones that anyone close enough to invite either of us to a wedding would know) either of us would sacrifice a weekend for a work colleague.

As everyone says, invitation not command.

poet123

balletshoes wrote: »

whilst i agree with all of that completely, i tend to be on the bride and groom's side these days, not least of all because lots of traditions regarding families joining in marriage, traditional couple and family roles/make-up etc, have changed drastically over the years.

I'm aware I have a simplistic view on this, but I do believe a couple should have the wedding day they want, the wedding day they arrange, the wedding day they pay for, and they should always accept that any invitation to join them is simply that, an invitation, not a command or an order .

Not directed at you, but I don't think that way of thinking is defined as simplistic as much as selfish in the wider sense. Whist a wedding is about the couple, I don't think their wants should be satisfied at the expense of the feelings of others. It is one day, their families have been and hopefully will be, around for them long after that day is over. I could never have done exactly as I wanted knowing that my mother was putting a brave face on but was actually devastated, ditto, my grandmother.

I couldn't do what the daughter of a friend has done and let her parents pay for everything (to the tune of approx £20,000)but also refuse to "allow" them to invite any of their friends whom they do not know (even though her parents have been to all their children's weddings and are very embarrassed about not reciprocating) We are talking about 6 extra people at a wedding for 150, but it has been vetoed absolutely.

We are all different but there should be an element of compromise imo.

totallybored

balletshoes wrote: »

no, i really don't understand why a couple would be more likely to get divorced because they invite who they want to a small wedding? what point did you get from it?

eta - i'm sure we've discussed this in other wedding threads person_one - and my attitude is "lifes too short and you'll never please everyone, so you might as well please yourself".

You made a point about weddings today becoming more diverse as people forget etiquette and tradition and do what they want. I merely made a point that this reduction in tradition and increasing 'my big day' attitude has also happened while the rate of divorce rises. Seemed like an opinion on weddings in general to another point on weddings in general to me. And as the ONS say that they expect 42% of marriages will end in divorce that's an awful lot of money wasted on weddings no matter who is and who isn't invited.

Person_one

balletshoes wrote: »

eta - i'm sure we've discussed this in other wedding threads person_one - and my attitude is "lifes too short and you'll never please everyone, so you might as well please yourself".

Well, we're all different I suppose. Personally, doing nice things for other people is one of my favourite things in the world, very little makes me happier.

I do think selfishness and self absorption is increasing in our society, at an alarming rate since the Tories got in and seemed hell bent on promoting it, and I don't think its a good thing at all.