Wedding dilemma

Hermia

poet123 wrote: »

It isn't about couples being joined at the hip, it is about the specifics of wedding etiquette. I suspect it has been watered down because a lot of couples want an expensive wedding with all the trimmings but can't afford to pay for it to be done "correctly" or rather done in accordance with accepted etiquette, so they cut the corners and then seek to justify it. Which is fine but most people can see through that to the real reasons behind it.

But a lot of venues do restrict numbers. In my town the only big venue is the expensive hotel. If you have your reception in a pub function room or church hall you are restricted on numbers which means difficult decisions have to be made.

poet123

Then you invite those closest to you in couples/family units and explain your restrictions to others.

bagpussbear

sulphate wrote: »

I think the fact that your wife appears to be the only wife not invited is the main issue here. I do think that's rude. Perhaps the bride and groom don't know her as well as the other wives, or something, but it still looks like a snub. I think if you are going to exclude a certain "group" i.e. other halves, children, etc... you need to exclude ALL of them and not make exceptions.

Totally agree with this. Puts a different slant on the situation if other wives are invited, it appears to be a snub.

OP I think you need to speak to your friend as to why. Only you can make the decision to go or not, and the responses on this thread are pretty much one end of the spectrum to the other.

All I know, in your situation, I would be putting my wife (given she does have an issue with it) before my friend.

lostinrates

Horace wrote: »

Wedding planners such as myself often suggest this as an option especially when venue numbers are limited as well as the budget - why would you invite someone to your wedding that you didn't know or socialise with?
.

Do you caveat this at all?

balletshoes

poet123 wrote: »

Of course it can be, if they don't mind appearing rude.;)

maybe thats why weddings are getting to be so diverse nowadays, people breaking away from the etiquette of Debrettes etc - because they want it to be more personal, more about what suits them, rather than what tradition dictates?

esmerelda98

Person_one wrote: »

If wedding planners are now actually advising couples that being rude to their guests is a good idea, then the monstrosity that is the wedding industry and the 'my perfect special day where I don't have to consider other people' culture has officially taken over, I suppose.

According to you it is better to invite someone you don't know or you barely know than invite a good friend or a fairly close family member. Which is utterly ridiculous. It is particularly pathetic, especially for you, to say, 'We do it this way because we've always done it this way.' Whether that's true or not, since when have you been bound by convention?

The other option is not to invite a number of good friends because you are unable to accommodate their partners. Which would probably cause even more offence.

And even if you have a shindig with a buffet in the village hall there will be a cap on numbers. The venue will only accommodate so many guests, and the couple can only afford to cater for so many people, especially if they want to put on a decent spread.

It has to be said, some people are coming across as a bit socially...lacking, afraid to go anywhere without their security blanket of a partner, and I say that as one who isn't all that socially confident.
Sorry, I've tried and failed to put that as gently as I can, but I can't really come up with a better phrase just now.

Person_one

esmerelda98 wrote: »

According to you it is better to invite someone you don't know or you barely know than invite a good friend or a fairly close family member. Which is utterly ridiculous. It is particularly pathetic, especially for you, to say, 'We do it this way because we've always done it this way.' Whether that's true or not, since when have you been bound by convention?

It has to be said, some people are coming across as a bit socially...lacking, afraid to go anywhere without their security blanket of a partner, and I say that as one who isn't all that socially confident.
Sorry, I've tried and failed to put that as gently as I can, but I can't really come up with a better phrase just now.

Its not particularly gentle, but it certainly doesn't bother me because its not particularly true. I don't think that's the case with any of the posters who think its poor form to exclude one half of a married couple from a wedding. I'm single anyway so I've been happily going to weddings on my own for 3 years now! :rotfl:

Some traditions and conventions are pointless, but some are still around for a very good reason. Good manners help society and social interactions flow smoothly and avoid people getting upset and tense with each other. They only work if people stick with them though rather than going off piste and making up their own rules when politeness doesn't fit with their 'wants'!

totallybored

balletshoes wrote: »

maybe thats why weddings are getting to be so diverse nowadays, people breaking away from the etiquette of Debrettes etc - because they want it to be more personal, more about what suits them, rather than what tradition dictates?

And maybe that's why divorce rates are so high? Because it's a big day that's about them and not about what really matters, a commitment to spend the rest of their life with someone?

poet123

balletshoes wrote: »

maybe thats why weddings are getting to be so diverse nowadays, people breaking away from the etiquette of Debrettes etc - because they want it to be more personal, more about what suits them, rather than what tradition dictates?

Perhaps, traditionally, weddings were about two individuals and two families coming together. Increasingly, it seems only the wishes of the Bride and Groom count and little thought is given to the feelings of others. One of my nieces got married abroad even though her mother couldn't fly due to medical reasons, her mother was really upset, as was her grandmother, but they did it anyway. When they came home they had a party for friends and family, it seemed that they had upset a lot of people though because there was hardly anyone there and they were very upset.

I think that any couple can do as they wish on their wedding day, but others will feel how they feel and they may show that, if they do the couple have to accept that they see things one way and others see things another way.

peachyprice

totallybored wrote: »

And maybe that's why divorce rates are so high? Because it's a big day that's about them and not about what really matters, a commitment to spend the rest of their life with someone?

And having someone's spouse that you don't know at your wedding would make you more committed how?