Getting really frustrated with DH being overweight

heartbreak_star

lindabelle66 wrote: »

This post made me really sad.

My ex husband and I were married almost 25 years and he had weight problems from the outset although as a Soldier it was kept under control with regular exercise. However after leaving the army he gradually got bigger and went from approx 15 stone to close to 19 stone (he is just under 6ft) and although i tried my best to help him eat healthily, and encourage him to swim, walk our dogs, ride his bike etc he progressively got bigger and bigger. I tried pointing out to him he was turning into his father ( a very very large man who i didnt fancy ), but my ex still continued to snack in secret - hiding sandwichwrappers, sweet paper etc in his car. He would also binge late at night after i had gone to bed.

He was in complete denial about his weight, and suffered from problem with his knees and back which in turn reduced his mobility even more, a viscious circle. I began to feel repulsed by his physical appearance, he had been a very nice looking man before becoming obese and even pointing this out didnt make any difference.

Sadly we seperated 4 years ago and subsequently got divorced, we had a lot of problems but this would be the one i would say was the biggest one for me. I just didnt fancy him anymore and couldnt bear any physical contact.

Did you encourage him to speak to his doctor about the blatant depression/eating disorder that was going on here? Or just determine he needed to lose weight and that was that?

Sorry, I know that's harsh but so was telling him he was fat and had gotten ugly and you didn't fancy him.

Honestly, if the above post - and indeed the OP, potentially - had been made by a bloke about a woman there would be outrage, IMHO.

(I'm not usually this snappy Lindabelle, I promise I'm usually nice, but this made me :mad: after my earlier post.)

HBS x

paulineb_2

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Did you encourage him to speak to his doctor about the blatant depression/eating disorder that was going on here? Or just determine he needed to lose weight and that was that?

Sorry, I know that's harsh but so was telling him he was fat and had gotten ugly and you didn't fancy him.

Honestly, if the above post - and indeed the OP, potentially - had been made by a bloke about a woman there would be outrage, IMHO.

(I'm not usually this snappy Lindabelle, I promise I'm usually nice, but this made me :mad: after my earlier post.)

HBS x

Tbh, I dont think there would be outrage. Shes being honest and theres only so much you can do to help someone if they wont help themselves

Also, we dont know the man was suffering from an eating disorder, not everyone who overeats has a disorder.

She also said she tried to encourage him to exercise and to eat healthily.

It might not be nice to hear that someone doesn't fancy you anymore but if someone puts on stones and thats the way they feel, thats the way they feel.

Plus, I suspect given that the poster typed a shortish reply, there's probably a lot more info she could have given in her post that she's omitted.

paulineb_2

Also, having depression doesn't automatically mean you will overeat and vice versa. I battled work related stress and anxiety for a long time and the symptoms are very similar to depression. I didnt overeat for that entire time. Sometimes I did, because my life was quite simply rubbish, but at other times I managed to exercise a lot, even when things were at their worst for me I went to the gym and classes, my GP didnt give out anti depressants lightly, in fact with them you have a battle to get any medication so there were days and weeks I felt like I was wading through treacle and there was a long spell where I didnt exercise, I didnt have the confidence. But to get over that had to come from me. All my GP ever said to me was, keep exercising, but I was the person who had to do it.

I absolutely understand that for some people food is an issue and may always be an issue, it will be a lifelong struggle for me, but no matter what support you have or you havent, the only person who can do it is you and to me, it looks like the poster above tried.

If someone is in denial and isnt dealing with their weight what are partners supposed to do?

FBaby

The problem is that most partners start with being sympathetic and encouraging and turn not so nice when being so made no difference. How long do you show support, provide encouragement, and be patient when deep inside, you are so frustrated and unhappy to see the person you love ruining their life because of eating? At which point the responsibility fall under the person over-eating rather than their partner for not support them any longer.

Mojisola

FBaby wrote: »

How long do you show support, provide encouragement, and be patient when deep inside, you are so frustrated and unhappy to see the person you love ruining their life because of eating? At which point the responsibility fall under the person over-eating rather than their partner for not support them any longer.

Yes, it's a similar position to someone drinking too much or taking drugs or gambling.

~Chameleon~

lindabelle66 wrote: »

This post made me really sad.

My ex husband and I were married almost 25 years and he had weight problems from the outset although as a Soldier it was kept under control with regular exercise. However after leaving the army he gradually got bigger and went from approx 15 stone to close to 19 stone (he is just under 6ft) and although i tried my best to help him eat healthily, and encourage him to swim, walk our dogs, ride his bike etc he progressively got bigger and bigger. I tried pointing out to him he was turning into his father ( a very very large man who i didnt fancy ), but my ex still continued to snack in secret - hiding sandwichwrappers, sweet paper etc in his car. He would also binge late at night after i had gone to bed.

He was in complete denial about his weight, and suffered from problem with his knees and back which in turn reduced his mobility even more, a viscious circle. I began to feel repulsed by his physical appearance, he had been a very nice looking man before becoming obese and even pointing this out didnt make any difference.

Sadly we seperated 4 years ago and subsequently got divorced, we had a lot of problems but this would be the one i would say was the biggest one for me. I just didnt fancy him anymore and couldnt bear any physical contact.

Thank you for being so honest. That means such a lot to people. I've not yet read any further replies but I would like to hope they've been equally supportive and/or encouraging of your ex to regain his health x

skipton

My friend just told DH no more nooky until he had lost weight as she didn't want him having a heart attack and flattening her so much that she wouldn't be able to call for an ambulance. lol

Cloudydaze

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Did you encourage him to speak to his doctor about the blatant depression/eating disorder that was going on here? Or just determine he needed to lose weight and that was that?

Sorry, I know that's harsh but so was telling him he was fat and had gotten ugly and you didn't fancy him.

Honestly, if the above post - and indeed the OP, potentially - had been made by a bloke about a woman there would be outrage, IMHO.

(I'm not usually this snappy Lindabelle, I promise I'm usually nice, but this made me :mad: after my earlier post.)

HBS x

Obviously there are going to be exceptions but for most people excess fat is not attractive (on either sex). I don't feel at all guilty for feeling that. I wouldn't fancy an overweight partner and would fully understand if they stopped fancying me if I put on weight.

At what point is it acceptable to say something to a partner? When they have to buy the next size up in clothes, when they can't make it up the stairs without huffing & puffing? When they don't fit in a regular seat when out & about? Or when it take six firemen & a lift to get them out of the house and off to hospital?

Georgiegirl256

heartbreak_star wrote: »

Did you encourage him to speak to his doctor about the blatant depression/eating disorder that was going on here? Or just determine he needed to lose weight and that was that?

Sorry, I know that's harsh but so was telling him he was fat and had gotten ugly and you didn't fancy him.

Honestly, if the above post - and indeed the OP, potentially - had been made by a bloke about a woman there would be outrage, IMHO.

(I'm not usually this snappy Lindabelle, I promise I'm usually nice, but this made me :mad: after my earlier post.)

HBS x

You can only do so much in regards to get someone to go to the doctors etc, but what are you meant to do after that? Let them eat themselves to death? Watch them suffer from weight related illnesses?

You can encourage them to eat healthier, to do more exercise, but how long can you carry on with the same advice again and again?

For most people, extreme excess weight on a partner isn't very attractive. Are people just meant to not say anything?

Gloomendoom

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

For most people, extreme excess weight on a partner isn't very attractive. Are people just meant to not say anything?

Mrs G and I have agreed that if either one of us starts to look a bit chubby, the other should mention it.

It works for us.