Getting really frustrated with DH being overweight

dandy-candy

I'm getting really frustrated about DH being obese and not caring enough to do anything about it even though his health is suffering.

When we met he was already a bit podgy, about 18 stone but he was still quite active with it so it wasn't a problem. Now he is 50 and weighs 21 stone. He constantly moans about aches and pains, he has high cholesterol, gout and our sex life is the pits because 9/10 times he gets a cramp or too tired and "loses it". He still works full days but is so tired afterwards he has to lie prone all evening because its too much effort to even sit upright on the sofa. His stomach used to stick out but now its so big it's collapsed and hangs down like a woman who has just given birth. The skin on his inner thighs has gone grey and constantly has dhobi itch. His flesh on his back hangs down in folds and his once sexy jawline is now hidden by a huge pouch of a double chin.

What makes me even madder is that his mum was just like him health wise and she collapsed and died at 52. The autopsy said a piece of fatty tissue had broken away from her knee and lodged in her heart, killing her. DH said she had had a bad knee for a while. Well 6 weeks ago DH started having trouble with his knee and it won't heal, so now I'm thinking will me or the kids come home one day and find him dead on the floor they way he found his mum?

I have tried being caring saying please do something, we love you so much and don't want to lose you. I've tried getting angry and saying he's being selfish. I buy healthy foods and say let's do it together. His mates have asked him to go to the gym with them. He just doesn't care. He will eat well for a week, lose 3lbs and then say "See, its going down" before deciding he deserves a real meal and a week later he has put it all on again.

Also it isn't depression, he is actually quite cocky, it's more like denial. He looks in the mirror and sucks in his belly and says "yeah a bit overweight but not bad" he actually says he thinks he looks good. In his head I think he imagines himself to look stocky like a bouncer or weightlifter. The minute he walks away from the mirror he relaxes and sags, but he doesn't see that.

I do love him and after 18 years and 3 kids I'm not going to dump him for being fat, but it is causing a strain on our marriage that he doesn't seem to appreciate. I just don't know how to get through to him. Any advice please?

paulineb_2

If you are buying healthy foods what is he eating elsewhere and in what quantities for him to be the size he is?

He might not want to go to the gym, its not for everyone and for someone who is 21 stones, it can be intimidating setting foot in a gym where you think everyone else is fit and in shape (even if that isn't the case in reality)

Can you try and be more active as a family? Walking, swimming etc. He's probably switched off from you when you get angry.

I've struggled with my weight for a long time now. And sometimes people can be in denial. I dont think I was, I just wasn't motivated to do anything about it and I felt self conscious as well.

But something had to give and I had to make changes to my diet which actually wasn't that bad, but things like portion sizes I needed to work on.

It has to be a lifestyle choice and a change. That is eating healthily most of the time with the occasional cheat/treat meal. How much does he drink? Alcohol is full of calories unless its a measure of spirit and a slimline drink. Snacks between meals, sweet stuff, its very easy to pile weight on.

He has to want to do this, no one can do it for him.

dandy-candy

He doesn't drink at all, his weaknesses are things like cheese, sweets and ice cream. Even butter he puts on bread so thick that I thought it was a slab of cheese. His portions are way off, two whole platefuls at a sitting. If I only make enough to be healthy, he will wait until I'm in bed then either raid the cupboards or drive out to the nearest 24hr supermarket and buy sweets and ice cream.
The kids aren't interested in doing anything active outside school and they are teens now so I can't drag them along anymore. I am up for activities with him and he was going swimming up until his knee got bad. Even swimming twice a week he never lost any weight. I asked the instructor at the pool and he said its because DH just goes back and forth at an easy pace instead of really pushing himself until he is breathless. I told DH this and he did a length fast and then said it was too tiring and wouldn't do it again.

LEJC

I really sympathise with you and Pauline has given some excellent advice.....
My brother was similar and in essence it took a "scare" to make HIM decide that a lifestyle change was needed.
I have nothing to add that pauline hasnt already said other than good luck to you all...its a difficult thing to suddenly raelise that a lifestyle change is needed...but the results can be amazing...

DKLS

Send him for one of those Bupa Health MOT's, it costs about £250 but has enough detail so scare him into action.

paulineb_2

dandy-candy wrote: »

He doesn't drink at all, his weaknesses are things like cheese, sweets and ice cream. Even butter he puts on bread so thick that I thought it was a slab of cheese. His portions are way off, two whole platefuls at a sitting. If I only make enough to be healthy, he will wait until I'm in bed then either raid the cupboards or drive out to the nearest 24hr supermarket and buy sweets and ice cream.
The kids aren't interested in doing anything active outside school and they are teens now so I can't drag them along anymore. I am up for activities with him and he was going swimming up until his knee got bad. Even swimming twice a week he never lost any weight. I asked the instructor at the pool and he said its because DH just goes back and forth at an easy pace instead of really pushing himself until he is breathless. I told DH this and he did a length fast and then said it was too tiring and wouldn't do it again.

Swimming twice a week probably won't get the weight off quickly even if he cleans up his diet, but its a start. His knee shouldn't stop him from swimming, the water bears his weight and he's not having to put any weight on the sore knee but if you are concerned then he should see a GP to give him the all clear from exercise.

Its really not healthy for him to be eating all that sugar and really you are fighting a losing battle if hes going out at night to buy crap.

There could be 1001 reasons why hes overeating. When I started cleaning up my diet last summer, I quickly realised that I was overeating to the extent where I rarely felt hungry. I ate because I was bored, I ate because I was fed up. I certainly wasn't eating very much because I was hungry.

It only takes a couple of weeks to change habits if that. I have on the whole cut junk out of my diet, with the occasional meal out. I don't have it in the house (safer and maybe not practical if you are part of a family), but I think you need to consider healthy alternatives to what hes eating now and by that I don't mean the processed stuff thats marketed as low fat. More veg, a couple of bits of fruit a day. We rarely need as many carbs as the eat well plate says we do, people could eat 40 per cent of their daily intake as carbs and still do alright. Cut the white stuff out or as down as far as you can. That means, white bread, white pasta, white rice, very very occasionally. Even wholemeal bread, rice and pasta is just white stuff with additions, Id have that occasionally as well.

Sweet potatoes are good, porridge, oatcakes. Im not a meat eater but theres loads of recipes with lean meat in them.

If you only make enough to be healthy then keep and freeze the rest and as for raiding the cupboards, maybe this is the time to do an audit of what is actually in your cupboards and how healthy it is.

Its either change, or wait until he has a health scare that makes him want to change.

Some leisure centres have a GP referral scheme for people who are overweight and they get cut price or free fitness for a time.

DigForVictory

I'm afraid those who say fear is called for may well have a point.

Get him & his sore knee to the GP. Who may well be able to put the relevant frightners on. (Or treat the depression, thyrouid or whatever they think is as much the issue.)

Failing that, the BUPA MOT (whilst expensive) will probably succeed at the terror. As they run a business around turning sick people into healthy ones & so know where the vulnerable points lie.

You have done what you can, and it is only fair to let the professionals step in. If they can get him to decide to lay off the cheese & sweeties, hurrah & you have a husband for longer.

If they can't, get joint Wills drawn up & buy him a funeral plan. (It's very Money Saving & will save you a lot of stress when he does finally go over.)

Frustration hurts you, now. Getting your DH to decide to do something may require hurting him a bit - so let the pros do it.

paulineb_2

dandy-candy wrote: »

He doesn't drink at all, his weaknesses are things like cheese, sweets and ice cream. Even butter he puts on bread so thick that I thought it was a slab of cheese. His portions are way off, two whole platefuls at a sitting. If I only make enough to be healthy, he will wait until I'm in bed then either raid the cupboards or drive out to the nearest 24hr supermarket and buy sweets and ice cream.
The kids aren't interested in doing anything active outside school and they are teens now so I can't drag them along anymore. I am up for activities with him and he was going swimming up until his knee got bad. Even swimming twice a week he never lost any weight. I asked the instructor at the pool and he said its because DH just goes back and forth at an easy pace instead of really pushing himself until he is breathless. I told DH this and he did a length fast and then said it was too tiring and wouldn't do it again.

Id also not be too quick to write off depression/low mood. The comments about him thinking he looks good, Id say thats bravado rather than his real feelings about how he looks.

What are the positive things in his life, the friends who want him to go to the gym with him, what else does he do with them?

onlyroz

Perhaps you could suggest that he give intermittent fasting a try? This would involve 1-2 days a week where he makes a conscious effort to cut down his calories (so no snacking or alchol, and child-size portions at meal times). Then for the rest of the week he can follow his usual diet. It's less demoralising to go without for a few days a week than it is to feel that you constantly have to watch every morsel that passes your lips.

paulineb_2

onlyroz wrote: »

Perhaps you could suggest that he give intermittent fasting a try? This would involve 1-2 days a week where he makes a conscious effort to cut down his calories (so no snacking or alchol, and child-size portions at meal times). Then for the rest of the week he can follow his usual diet. It's less demoralising to go without for a few days a week than it is to feel that you constantly have to watch every morsel that passes your lips.

I thought that the non fast days when people are intermittent fasting were still supposed to be healthy? I know some people call them feast days, but Ive also seen people say that many people have interpreted the not fasting days as to be stuff yourself full of food

My concern about him doing intermittent fasting would be, would he have the willpower even to do a fast day? And following his usual diet for the rest of the time, going by what he's eating at the moment would still be unhealthy

He might see weight loss/drop in body fat percentage, but I think he also needs some nutrition advice as well.

onlyroz

paulineb wrote: »

I thought that the non fast days when people are intermittent fasting were still supposed to be healthy? I know some people call them feast days, but Ive also seen people say that many people have interpreted the not fasting days as to be stuff yourself full of food

My concern about him doing intermittent fasting would be, would he have the willpower even to do a fast day? And following his usual diet for the rest of the time, going by what he's eating at the moment would still be unhealthy

He might see weight loss/drop in body fat percentage, but I think he also needs some nutrition advice as well.

People do intermittent fasting in different ways. In general, people find that they naturally gravitate towards healthier foods on their non-fast days because they've seen the improvements that relatively small dietary changes can bring.

However, in the OPs case I'd suggest baby steps - if he can be persuaded to cut back just a little, even for just a few days a week, then he might see that it's not so hard after all.

When you first try it, it *is* difficult - but once you realise that you're not actually going to die just because you feel a little bit hungry, it gets much easier.

As for nutrition advice, not a bad idea - the GP would be the person to approach about a referral to a dietician.