Getting really frustrated with DH being overweight

Monkeyballs

Mr_F_Dorsetty wrote: »

As you for your particularly puerile and fatuous "I see Dr Freud has entered the building" you have no idea what my qualifications are, do you.

But you'll excuse me not discussing them in public with the likes of you; if I wanted to converse with infants I'd be a teacher in a primary school.

Hi Mr F,

I sort of understand what you meant on your last post, I don't necessarily agree with all of it but that's my opinion

However, if you are genuinely trying to help anyone here and be taken seriously then you need to roll with the punches a bit more because responses like the one quoted above make you sound like a massive troll d*ck! I'm sure that isn't what you want, just chill out a bit

MB

Primrose

My mother in law was exactly the same and died from her smoking at an early age despite all her family urging and encouraging her to give it up. But really I'm not sure it's lack of will power. It's more 100%selfishness disguised as lack of willpower when you have other close family members interacting and relying on you as a breadwinner.. It's rather different if you live alone, have no dependents or nobody who cares about you because nobody is personally directly impacted by your death or severe incapacity but when your loved ones ARE impacted, then in my view it's selfishness.

Georgiegirl256

Mr_F_Dorsetty wrote: »

As you for your particularly puerile and fatuous "I see Dr Freud has entered the building" you have no idea what my qualifications are, do you.

Nor do you know what mine are, but this isn't what this thread is about.

But you'll excuse me not discussing them in public with the likes of you; if I wanted to converse with infants I'd be a teacher in a primary school.

Mature, very mature!

I'll apologise about the 'Dr Freud' comment, but as much as I can see where you are coming from, we'll just have to agree to disagree. Only the OP knows if she's ready to give up on her marriage. But IMO, most people don't give up at the first sign of trouble, but whilst I do see your point, that there is only so much a partner can do for their OH, personally I wouldn't walk away from someone just because they'd put on weight, unless my feelings towards them had totally changed (which wouldn't necessarily be because of the weight gain), and the OP states that this isn't the case.

Georgiegirl256

Gloomendoom wrote: »

I'll see your Forbes and raise you a another well known medical journal, the Huffington Post...

Breakfast: Not Really the Most Important Meal of the Day

I rarely eat breakfast and have just had a full medical check up (including the full range of blood tests).

Everything came back perfectly normal.

Great minds think alike! That's the one I posted about too, and to me it makes total sense.

Morglin

Mr_F_Dorsetty wrote: »

For the OP

I can only say what I see.

"The rebel in me..."

That can mean many different things, but it strikes me in this case it could well mean:

"I was always told (or shown by actions) I was worthless as a kid and couldn't achieve anything, but I control this and can pee people off... so I am not so powerless after all"

It is blatantly obvious he sees your attempts at help as an attack on him, not as help, because he is in a very bad place.

But I doubt he could even elucidate what he feels. As Shrek correctly identified, people really are like oinions, layer after layer. These issues start when in childhood something happens and the child, rightly or wrongly forms an opinion. The rest of their life is built upon that, layer after to layer. But if you start at the wrong place then every layer is actually wrong and people end up in very bad places that they take themselves to.

Sometimes you can help people strip those layers back and deal with the basic issue or issues. But even for the willing, it is a long and incredibly difficult path to follow.

Many people with obesity issues are fundamentally in no different place to people with anorexia or bulimia

He doesn't want to talk about it because his weight is a safety screen for him. Someone else has said "counselling" and yes I'd agree. But that is not always so easy to initiate, people have to want to get better and I do not think he feels strong enough to be well.

People cling to their misery, it defines their life and the meaning of the world for them and has done for decades - it's not easy to give that up, to change who you are for the person you could have been if only....

Ultimately you can only do what you can do. I'm not being harsh here just being realistic, do what you can, do as much as you feel you must... then if that doesn't work, imo, you need to save yourself.

There really is no glory in going down with a ship that will inevitably sink. In the end you cannot make him the reality you want to see, he can only be who he is.

Or, of course, the reason might not be that deep, and her husband could just be like most adults, and not like being told what to do and nagged!

It's one thing suggesting a healthy eating plan, but, ultimately, we are all only responsible for ourselves, and it's up to the individual as to whether they want to go on a diet, stop smoking, exercise, stop drinking etc etc.,

To do any of the above requires willpower and determination, and they can only succeed if the person wants to change things.

Nagging and 'threats' never changed a thing with anyone.

Personally, if DH started to tell me what I should be doing, he'd get a short answer!

Lin

KxMx

Dandy candy, something in your last post really struck a chord with me.

Did you previously mention his family are also big?

It may be the way he was raised has something to do with his issues around food now. He may be rebelling against something connected with food in his childhood. Or carrying on bad lessons.

I know my own mother was taught to clear her plate, don't waste food etc etc. And put on a diet age 5 when a Dr told her parents she needed to go on one (I have seen pictures there was nothing wrong with her size). That led to a lifetime of issues with food which may have contributed to some serious consequences (not my place to share with you). It took her a long long time to realise that it was ok for her to leave food on her plate.

Lessons our parents teach us can be very long lasting, even when we ourselves are adults with rational minds!

Mr_F_Dorsetty

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Mature, very mature!

I'll apologise about the 'Dr Freud' comment, but as much as I can see where you are coming from, we'll just have to agree to disagree. Only the OP knows if she's ready to give up on her marriage. But IMO, most people don't give up at the first sign of trouble, but whilst I do see your point, that there is only so much a partner can do for their OH, personally I wouldn't walk away from someone just because they'd put on weight, unless my feelings towards them had totally changed (which wouldn't necessarily be because of the weight gain), and the OP states that this isn't the case.

You're really very confused about both by what I have said and what the OP is saying.

The OP is not at, to paraphrase, 'the first sign' of anything, she is several hundred miles down the road and hitting her against the wall is really starting to hurt. She is at her wits end, can't you see that in her language usage?

Th OP's 1st post on here? That imo is a last ditch attempt to sort out what SHE feels, it is not essentially about him, it is about her and quite rightly so. Plus if you are not in control of yourself how can you hope to help others? Everything comes from the wrong starting point and helps no one.

If I am incorrect in my assertions then the OP has the perfect right to say so, I will apologise profusely and leave the field... but you do not have that right - I was not talking to you nor anyone else, just her.

For your information, people who 'just do not like being told' do so for a reason, it is not for no reason. Mostly it is because they have an issue about something from childhood.

Or in very limited cases they can have a particular type of temperament; sociopathy, psychopathy, NPD, Autistic Spectrum, ADHD and so forth but by adulthood most have been diagnosed so the OP would surely know that? So that to me leaves childhood issues.

Now oddly enough and I may be incorrect, but I cannot see anywhere that the OP has thanked you or the others who seem upset by my presence... but she has been generous enough to thank me for my small input... does this again not give you a hint?

I know the mob need a 'folk devil'... so do carry on. You have a need to vent it seems, I hope you feel better

Georgiegirl256

Mr_F_Dorsetty wrote: »

If I am incorrect in my assertions then the OP has the perfect right to say so, I will apologise profusely and leave the field... but you do not have that right - I was not talking to you nor anyone else, just her.

Fine, but just remember this is an open forum, and people can, and will reply to any post they want to.

For your information, people who 'just do not like being told' do so for a reason, it is not for no reason. Mostly it is because they have an issue about something from childhood.

My husband is in a very similar situation to the OP's husband, and I can assure you that his failure to do anything about his weight gain is nothing to do with his childhood. I appreciate that isn't the way in a lot of cases, but you can't just blame it on that.

Now oddly enough and I may be incorrect, but I cannot see anywhere that the OP has thanked you or the others who seem upset by my presence... but she has been generous enough to thank me for my small input... does this again not give you a hint?

The OP has very politely thanked the majority of posts, mine, yours and other peoples too and you'd actually see that if you took the time to look. Don't let it go to your head, and remember, it isn't a competition to see who can get the most thanks!

I know the mob need a 'folk devil'... so do carry on. You have a need to vent it seems, I hope you feel better

I have no need to vent, but it really annoys me when people come on here and pretend to be 'amature physiologists' The OP might agree with everything that you've said, and it might have been of some benefit to her. But like I said before, it's a free forum, and if I see something that I don't agree with, then I will say so. It's nothing to do with being a 'folk devil' or being a 'mob', for me personally, it just really p*sses me off when people come on and spout physcobabble.

adouglasmhor

I am not sure how heavy I was in this. But this is a "before".

Sorry about the quality but it's a phone shot of an old photo.


I would never admit it at the time but I was not happy.

Georgiegirl256

You've done really well Douglas, you've come a long way, and are looking good on it! I remember you being on the 5:2 thread, did you lose all your weight that way?