Getting really frustrated with DH being overweight

margaretclare

dandy-candy wrote: »

Just to update, we ended up going for a walk last night instead of swimming and I brought up the subject of what is it that holds him back from really going for it when it comes to losing weight.
First he was saying he'd always been big, it's too much effort etc, but then he said something really odd (I think so anyway). He said "I suppose its the rebel in me" When I asked what that meant, what is he rebelling against? He said "Well I don't like people telling me what to do" this really got my back up so I said "What, so when you drop dead of a heart attack and are in your grave you're going to think 'Ha I showed them' ?"
After that I just got the "yeah I know I need to lose some weight, are you going to just have a go at me this whole walk?" So I shut up at that point.
I find this so frustrating!

'The rebel in me'....yes, I understand that. Reminds me of my first husband, but his issue was smoking. He had a 'coronary' in 1972 when he was 38, and I couldn't tell you the numbers of different people who urged him to pack it in. I was told by one consultant that 'as his wife, it was my responsibility'. God knows, I tried. When we moved here in 1990 he didn't smoke in my presence, but I know darned well that he smoked the minute I'd left for work - fag-ends in the garden!

He didn't see his 60th birthday. A downward spiral, bypass surgery, angina, then strokes, then another 'coronary' - he died 20 years after the first episode.

He just wasn't going to be told what to do, not by anybody.

paulineb_2

dandy-candy wrote: »

Just to update, we ended up going for a walk last night instead of swimming and I brought up the subject of what is it that holds him back from really going for it when it comes to losing weight.
First he was saying he'd always been big, it's too much effort etc, but then he said something really odd (I think so anyway). He said "I suppose its the rebel in me" When I asked what that meant, what is he rebelling against? He said "Well I don't like people telling me what to do" this really got my back up so I said "What, so when you drop dead of a heart attack and are in your grave you're going to think 'Ha I showed them' ?"
After that I just got the "yeah I know I need to lose some weight, are you going to just have a go at me this whole walk?" So I shut up at that point.
I find this so frustrating!

You've done about as much as you can, now I think you need to back off. You can keep up the walking, encourage him to swim, make healthy meals or get him to make healthy meals.

But from things you've said in this thread until now it's like dealing with Kevin the teenager in parts and not a grown man. If you step back and don't discuss it, buy the healthy food, get him out walking, then hes free to make his own choices and maybe at some point he'll realise that he really doesnt want to be 21 stones.

He doesn't like being told what to do? Well if hes content to eat himself to an early grave hes making his own choices, but as someone said earlier, there might be deeper issues.

I can actually identify with what its like to think you are meant to be big. As I said before I put on weight very easily. If I went on holiday for example and ate the way I could, I could come back home ten pounds heavier. Easily.

It doesnt take much for me to gain. After I had an injury at the end of 2012, I probably put on a stone in about 6 weeks. As I said before, its a battle. But you get to the stage where all you are doing is making excuses. It is possible to change habits, even really unhealthy ones. My downfall was savoury as I said before. Around 18 months ago my night time habit was to go to bed with a packet of crisps (or two) and a glass of wine (or two). I dont do that any more.

Plus, eating too much junk food makes you feel crap. I do think though, from what you've said about the lack of intimacy in your marriage caused by his weight issues, that at some point, that and how hes dealing with all of this might get you to the point where you wonder if its going to be worth carrying on with it.

He has to do it for himself first and foremost, but if hes giving it the I wont lose weight because I'm rebelling against you telling me I need to, I dont think its a good sign.

If someone had taken me aside and said, you need to lose weight, I might not have taken it too well, but when you have a BMI like mine was, I wouldnt have had the option to argue and at 21 stones, your husband is going to run out of excuses pretty soon.

jaylee3

I wasn't going to post on this thread again, but I have to say that I am really shocked that the people who claim they are so fit and healthy are actually advocating skipping breakfast, and that it's OK to not eat til the afternoon. It's one of the worst things you can do and is very bad for your health.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2013/07/23/why-is-skipping-breakfast-so-bad-for-our-heart-health/

Of course, you don't have to have a massive fry-up, but surely you could have just a bowl of weetabix or even a cereal bar and a yoghurt?

I thought it was common knowledge that skipping breakfast is bad for you. Maybe some people don't have the kind of 'good eating habits' that they like they think they have.

FBaby

Actually there are different schools of thoughts on this. I personally would never suggest to skip breakfast to anyone but after 25 years of watching my weight because unfortunately I am not naturally slim know it is what works for me. Most people see their blood sugars drop if they don't have breakfast it is not the case for me. This is why I wrote that people need to consider what is best for them rather than trying to make sense of all the research that claim they have the answer for all. For me it is without a doubt that having breakfast does lead to me putting on weight.

Georgiegirl256

dandy-candy wrote: »

Just to update, we ended up going for a walk last night instead of swimming and I brought up the subject of what is it that holds him back from really going for it when it comes to losing weight.
First he was saying he'd always been big, it's too much effort etc, but then he said something really odd (I think so anyway). He said "I suppose its the rebel in me" When I asked what that meant, what is he rebelling against? He said "Well I don't like people telling me what to do" this really got my back up so I said "What, so when you drop dead of a heart attack and are in your grave you're going to think 'Ha I showed them' ?"
After that I just got the "yeah I know I need to lose some weight, are you going to just have a go at me this whole walk?" So I shut up at that point.
I find this so frustrating!

Hang on in there, I know exactly where you're coming from. I hope you keep on posting, and your husband starts to make an effort and realises that he needs to make an effort.

I've got mine to start going on walks too, not every night, but it's a start.

Izadora

It's pretty much impossible to make someone diet if they don't want to, it's not even that easy if they do want to - I spent enough years being unhappy with my weight but completely unable to stick to a diet to know that!!
My mum's in the same position as the OP - my dad gave up smoking a few years ago (he'd been adamant that he was never going to but the doctor telling him that he'd be on oxygen before the year was out if he didn't scared him into it) and his weight's ballooned since. She's tried giving him smaller dinners but all that happened was he went and got a slice of bread, with an obscene amount of butter, shortly after finishing a meal because he reckoned he was still hungry. She decided that larger portions (with a lot of hidden veg to bulk things out) was a safer option...
It's also almost impossible to get him to do any exercise. The breathing difficulties which made him give up smoking mean that he huffs and puffs just from the effort of putting his shoes on so even getting him to take a gentle stroll is a struggle. He's that against walking that he will drive two roads away to pick up a takeaway, justifying it to himself with 'It'll stay hotter in the car'.

Sorry I don't have any advice but, if my mum ever manages to get my dad on a diet, I'll let you know how she did it

paulineb_2

jaylee3 wrote: »

I wasn't going to post on this thread again, but I have to say that I am really shocked that the people who claim they are so fit and healthy are actually advocating skipping breakfast, and that it's OK to not eat til the afternoon. It's one of the worst things you can do and is very bad for your health.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2013/07/23/why-is-skipping-breakfast-so-bad-for-our-heart-health/

Of course, you don't have to have a massive fry-up, but surely you could have just a bowl of weetabix or even a cereal bar and a yoghurt?

I thought it was common knowledge that skipping breakfast is bad for you. Maybe some people don't have the kind of 'good eating habits' that they like they think they have.

Actually, there are schools of thought that say its absolutely fine to work out without having eaten breakfast, some fitness programmes would recommend it. For every article that says its the most important meal of the day, you'll find another that says eating breakfast isnt that important.

My point was, we tend to eat by the clock rather than when we are hungry. If someone isn't hungry until 11am rather than at 8am, I dont see an issue. We are conditioned into eating at 9am, midday and 6pm or close to those times. I doubt very much our ancestors ate in such a regimented way as we tend to do these days.

By that I mean adults, Id certainly not suggest kids going to school with no breakfast.

Georgiegirl256

A more balanced and informative article http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-berardi-phd/breakfast-health_b_4436439.html As the 'what to do now' section points out, one size doesn't always fit all, it's what's right for the individual.

As for my own reasoning for not having any breakfast....well, there isn't one really, it isn't for weight reasons or anything like that, it's simply because I never feel hungry, and coffee usually suffices. I do occasion,y have some, but it's very rare.

adouglasmhor

jaylee3 wrote: »

I wasn't going to post on this thread again, but I have to say that I am really shocked that the people who claim they are so fit and healthy are actually advocating skipping breakfast, and that it's OK to not eat til the afternoon. It's one of the worst things you can do and is very bad for your health.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2013/07/23/why-is-skipping-breakfast-so-bad-for-our-heart-health/

Of course, you don't have to have a massive fry-up, but surely you could have just a bowl of weetabix or even a cereal bar and a yoghurt?

I thought it was common knowledge that skipping breakfast is bad for you. Maybe some people don't have the kind of 'good eating habits' that they like they think they have.

Everyone doesn't know because it's probably not true.
http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2013/09/10/myths-surround-breakfast-and-weight/?_php=true&_type=blogs&_r=0

margaretclare

paulineb wrote: »

Actually, there are schools of thought that say its absolutely fine to work out without having eaten breakfast, some fitness programmes would recommend it. For every article that says its the most important meal of the day, you'll find another that says eating breakfast isnt that important.

My point was, we tend to eat by the clock rather than when we are hungry. If someone isn't hungry until 11am rather than at 8am, I dont see an issue. We are conditioned into eating at 9am, midday and 6pm or close to those times. I doubt very much our ancestors ate in such a regimented way as we tend to do these days.

By that I mean adults, Id certainly not suggest kids going to school with no breakfast.

I've read that 2 meals a day sufficed, at least in the 'working' part of the population.

In farming communities it was common to do a couple of hours work seeing to the animals, then come in for breakfast. The word means 'to break one's fast' i.e. not having eaten for several hours/overnight. I remember doing this as a student nurse in the 1950s. We started work at 7.30 am and would go for breakfast at 9 am. DH remembers doing an hour's work in the engineering works then everyone stopped for a big mug of tea and thick slices of bread and dripping. By then, he'd already cycled 10 miles and done an hour's work.

The main meal of the day was eaten as a social occasion, everyone getting together and taking time over it. According to a friend of mine who has researched into the Anglo-Saxon period, eating on your own - what we'd now call 'snacking' - was very much frowned on. I personally think this is one of the ways people have gone wrong in the present day. Food is seen as something to be 'grabbed on the run' which has really bad effects - not being chewed, not being tasted, just swallowed in a hurry which doesn't accord with our physiology.