Getting really frustrated with DH being overweight

Horace

OP - I have and I know that some of my friend have the Hairy Dieters Cookbook, it is great because you can make food that is nutricious and when you are eating it does not make you feel as though you are eating to lose weight.

I think you should lay off the nagging now because the more you do, the more he will rebel. Going for regular walks will help - see if there is a walking group nearby so that you can go on regular walks in different places. Is there a health walk group in your area? If there is, see if you can both join it.

Angry_Bear

Having been in the OPs husband's position, I thought I'd put in my 0.02.
Somebody telling me I was overweight and should lose weight (hi mum!) NEVER "helped". I already knew I was fat and should do more exercise and eat healthier.
I often told other people that I was perfectly happy with myself - I also tried to tell myself it a lot too, but never believed it. When other people said anything to me I got upset and defensive, just as it sounds like your OH does. All I could hear was "it's so simple to not be fat, and you're so fat. You must be stupid and useless". Fear of failure and looking more pathetic stopped me even trying for a very long time.

Ask him if he'd like your help. Ask him if there's something he's like to try that you could help with (a new exercise or different food). Don't go on about it and don't ambush him, you'll only make him retreat more. If he won't go for it, then you can't make him. But if you offer help then give him space maybe he'll come to you with a request when he's had a chance to think about it.

I would place money on the fact that (no matter what he says) your husband is very unhappy with his size and would love to lose weight.

Mr_F_Dorsetty

For the OP

I can only say what I see.

"The rebel in me..."

That can mean many different things, but it strikes me in this case it could well mean:

"I was always told (or shown by actions) I was worthless as a kid and couldn't achieve anything, but I control this and can pee people off... so I am not so powerless after all"

It is blatantly obvious he sees your attempts at help as an attack on him, not as help, because he is in a very bad place.

But I doubt he could even elucidate what he feels. As Shrek correctly identified, people really are like oinions, layer after layer. These issues start when in childhood something happens and the child, rightly or wrongly forms an opinion. The rest of their life is built upon that, layer after to layer. But if you start at the wrong place then every layer is actually wrong and people end up in very bad places that they take themselves to.

Sometimes you can help people strip those layers back and deal with the basic issue or issues. But even for the willing, it is a long and incredibly difficult path to follow.

Many people with obesity issues are fundamentally in no different place to people with anorexia or bulimia

He doesn't want to talk about it because his weight is a safety screen for him. Someone else has said "counselling" and yes I'd agree. But that is not always so easy to initiate, people have to want to get better and I do not think he feels strong enough to be well.

People cling to their misery, it defines their life and the meaning of the world for them and has done for decades - it's not easy to give that up, to change who you are for the person you could have been if only....

Ultimately you can only do what you can do. I'm not being harsh here just being realistic, do what you can, do as much as you feel you must... then if that doesn't work, imo, you need to save yourself.

There really is no glory in going down with a ship that will inevitably sink. In the end you cannot make him the reality you want to see, he can only be who he is.

~Chameleon~

jaylee3 wrote: »

I thought it was common knowledge that skipping breakfast is bad for you. Maybe some people don't have the kind of 'good eating habits' that they like they think they have.

Perhaps because it's NOT bad for you!

Interestingly, your blog quote states:

Men who skipped breakfast were 27% more likely to experience heart attack or to die as the result of coronary heart disease. The men who skipped breakfast were more likely to be single, smokers, employed full-time, to drink more alcohol, were younger, and were less likely to be physically active than people who ate breakfast.

Now, I wonder how much the smoking, excess alcohol, stress from work and lack of exercise contributed to their increased risk of CHD. But no, of course it must be skipping breakfast that was the primary cause.

Oh how I wish for the return of the :rollseyes: smiley :rotfl:

Georgiegirl256

I see Dr Freud has entered the building ^^^ (post 174)

That's twice you've advised the OP to leave her husband Mr F Dorsetty....some people don't give up on their marriage that easily. Yes he's being a 'rebel', he's in denial, he's not willing to, or doesn't know how to change things, but seriously, your suggestion is for the OP to leave her husband because of it?

Primrose

I don't think he's necessarily advising her to leave her marriage but to protect herself within it if her husband's stubborn refusal to look after his health, leaves her and her children vulnerable to his possible early death or serious incapacity. That means taking out adequate life insurance, having a Will and trying to ensure that her children are educated about what her husband's self neglect may have in store in the future. If she can't penetrate his stubbornness or inability to take responsibility for his health when she she's trying with all her ability to encourage him, then she at least has to look after herself and her children. Perhaps she might like to show him this thread so he at least understands the anxiety his attitude is causing her.

Mr_F_Dorsetty

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

I see Dr Freud has entered the building ^^^ (post 174)

That's twice you've advised the OP to leave her husband Mr F Dorsetty....some people don't give up on their marriage that easily. Yes he's being a 'rebel', he's in denial, he's not willing to, or doesn't know how to change things, but seriously, your suggestion is for the OP to leave her husband because of it?

I haven't advised her to do anything except try to look after herself and realise there is only so much anyone can do.

It is impossible to help anyone if you are screwed up yourself, that is just logic. If the OP finds herself in a bad place because of her husbands actions or by the loss of a life she wants, then she needs to do something about it. She owes that to herself and the kids.

You'll also note if you bother to read that I have specifically said that one has to do everything one can before saving oneself.

As you for your particularly puerile and fatuous "I see Dr Freud has entered the building" you have no idea what my qualifications are, do you.

But you'll excuse me not discussing them in public with the likes of you; if I wanted to converse with infants I'd be a teacher in a primary school.

FBaby

Some people just don't have the willpower to stop something which is really difficult for those who do to understand. My step-mother has been smoking since she was 17. My father never has and has done everything since they've been together to get her to stop. She agrees that smoking is bad, she agrees that it will kill her, she is happy with her life, and yet she doesn't stop. Even now, suffering from COPD, her legs arteries being all blocked up with potential devestating complication, and still she smokes. She says that she has accepted that her life will be reduced by it, but she has accepted her fate for quite some time now because she managed to convince herself that she just didn't have the willpower to stop. It became easier psychologically to accept her fate than to constantly bit herself down for not succeeding at stoping. It is so sad to all of us, but in the end, she is in control of her life and the choices she makes.

adouglasmhor

Angry_Bear wrote: »

Having been in the OPs husband's position, I thought I'd put in my 0.02.
Somebody telling me I was overweight and should lose weight (hi mum!) NEVER "helped". I already knew I was fat and should do more exercise and eat healthier.
I often told other people that I was perfectly happy with myself - I also tried to tell myself it a lot too, but never believed it. When other people said anything to me I got upset and defensive, just as it sounds like your OH does. All I could hear was "it's so simple to not be fat, and you're so fat. You must be stupid and useless". Fear of failure and looking more pathetic stopped me even trying for a very long time.

Ask him if he'd like your help. Ask him if there's something he's like to try that you could help with (a new exercise or different food). Don't go on about it and don't ambush him, you'll only make him retreat more. If he won't go for it, then you can't make him. But if you offer help then give him space maybe he'll come to you with a request when he's had a chance to think about it.

I would place money on the fact that (no matter what he says) your husband is very unhappy with his size and would love to lose weight.

I was the same too.

Gloomendoom

jaylee3 wrote: »

I wasn't going to post on this thread again, but I have to say that I am really shocked that the people who claim they are so fit and healthy are actually advocating skipping breakfast, and that it's OK to not eat til the afternoon. It's one of the worst things you can do and is very bad for your health.

http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2013/07/23/why-is-skipping-breakfast-so-bad-for-our-heart-health/

Of course, you don't have to have a massive fry-up, but surely you could have just a bowl of weetabix or even a cereal bar and a yoghurt?

I thought it was common knowledge that skipping breakfast is bad for you. Maybe some people don't have the kind of 'good eating habits' that they like they think they have.

I'll see your Forbes and raise you a another well known medical journal, the Huffington Post...

Breakfast: Not Really the Most Important Meal of the Day

I rarely eat breakfast and have just had a full medical check up (including the full range of blood tests).

Everything came back perfectly normal.