What would be fair amount for a 21 year old to pay?

Georgiegirl256

chrissyan wrote: »

I have tried many things, including putting his own laundry basket in his room, the battle to get him to do more, leave less mess etc is one I lost a long time ago. However this is not the area I was asking for advice on.

True, it wasn't.

No it isn't his fault I have debts, nor is it his fault I didn't find a millionaire to marry, or get myself a 50k a year job, or many other scenarios which would have enabled me to happily keep him for free at 21 years old

Again very true, but that was the reason you stated in your OP for putting his keep up.
There's not enough of these millionaires about darn it! :rotfl:.

Good luck anyhow, hope it all gets resolved.

Indie_Kid

Sky_ wrote: »

But, would you have offered to pay if you knew things were financially tight for them and you were earning a good salary?

For me that is the crux of the matter. Regardless of them choosing to accept your offer or not, I'd be disappointed if a young adult close to me resented offering/giving a much-needed contribution.

I've had to do this a few times in the past. Well, I wasn't aware of their problems and they asked. In return, I lived rent free (because it would be silly to pay keep and them give it back) for about a year.

I did offer to help them out again last year after dad was off work due to illness and they were struggling a bit, which they declined.

He should do his own laundry, imo.

victory

chrissyan wrote: »

I have tried many things, including putting his own laundry basket in his room, the battle to get him to do more, leave less mess etc is one I lost a long time ago. However this is not the area I was asking for advice on.

I don't think he should contribute to repairs and replacements in the house either, it's not as if he will take much/any of them with him, that was purely in response to a 'house share' comment.

No it isn't his fault I have debts, nor is it his fault I didn't find a millionaire to marry, or get myself a 50k a year job, or many other scenarios which would have enabled me to happily keep him for free at 21 years old

I set his board at what I though was a low level, originally £200, then when he finished his apprenticeship £250, and now that he is on a proper salary and shifts, what I considered to be a fair and final amount. My son unfortunately thought that the £200 was correct & final amount and then made me doubt I was being fair, hence this post.

He has only recently completely finished his apprenticeship, had a pay rise and gone onto shifts, so this wage is new to him and yes, as mentioned earlier, he is hoping to save, although it is too early to tell how successful he will be at this, fingers crossed he will be.

I don't think a 21 year old should be kept for free and no it is not his fault you have debts but what kind of family relationship does it make it when he can see his mum struggling and has a way of helping and begrudges it? For the last 21 years you have done everything you could to help him...

duchy

chrissyan wrote: »

As for your question about would I be better off if he moved out, I honestly don't know, it certainly is not my intention to make a profit from him. I know I would be much better off in terms of time, much less cleaning up and laundry to do

So if you left his clothes in the laundry basket and moved any mess he left around onto his bed .....what would happen ?

Mojisola

chrissyan wrote: »

I have tried many things, including putting his own laundry basket in his room, the battle to get him to do more, leave less mess etc is one I lost a long time ago. However this is not the area I was asking for advice on.

No, it wasn't but it might be the root of the problem.

He's not a fully-functioning independent adult despite being 21 with a very good salary.

He's still your little boy - no wonder he's unhappy about Mum suddenly asking him to behave a little bit like an adult and pay his share of the bills. Unless you (and your partner) are happy for him still to be sponging off you when he is 50, you will have to make a stand.

If you stopped doing his washing, what would he do? If you didn't buy the extras he adds to your shopping list, what would he do?

What does your OH feel about all this? He lives in the house as well.

GoldenShadow

I don't meant to be patronising but please be careful not to see the money he gives you as income you rely on, in that, my Mum asks very little from myself and my brother, but she has come to rely on it. Brother is moving out very soon, and I think Mum is going to have a bit of a shock not having that little bit extra. Neither of us really use much apart from upping the bills/CT a bit, but the reduction in those will be less than the money she is losing, if that makes sense.

I think there are a lot of factors which make it hard to say what is and isn't fair for other people. My brother literally pays peanuts and earns a huge amount. I just worked it out, its 4% of his salary :eek: He does earn a fair bit, though, and isn't here that often (commutes to LDN, current placement up North in the week and stays with girlfriend often too). He argues its too much that he pays my Mum, considering his travel costs (but then he let something slip and I think his work pay for his travel anyway..!).

I'm just very grateful my Mum doesn't charge lots! I have two dogs, she has one, and the pet insurance/daycare costs and my travel costs from Sept are going to leave me not very much to save. Regardless of that though, I am still very grateful not to be charged a huge amount. Life would be rather a big headache otherwise (properties allowing pets etc).

chrissyan

So if you left his clothes in the laundry basket and moved any mess he left around onto his bed .....what would happen ?

Maybe I should try it;) I do however sometimes move the junk he has left around onto his computer desk.

If you stopped doing his washing, what would he do? If you didn't buy the extras he adds to your shopping list, what would he do?

What does your OH feel about all this? He lives in the house as well.

If I stopped doing his washing, he would sulk & moan a lot, but I suppose he would have to do it. Although I don't wash his rugby stuff and that often stays damp & muddy in his bag for a week :eek: I used to give in and do it, but not anymore, he has played more than one game with crumpled muddy kit.:D If I don't buy the extras, he uses mine and my other half's toiletries, to be honest I don't think this is a money issue, but more that he is too idle to shop. My O/h is in agreement with me and thinks £300 is fair.

I'm just very grateful my Mum doesn't charge lots!

Can I ask GoldenShadow, do you think £300 pcm in our circumstances is lots?

neverdespairgirl

girlycara wrote: »

I own a home, I am a teacher and have done other part time work, and I pay my own way for EVERYTHING, but in the family home, no chance. what sort of family demands payment? its obscene

I think it's positively obscene to be earning a decent income as a young adult and sponging off your parents.

One of my younger sisters, and my brother, live with my parents, still. Once they started working (not when they were still studying at tertiary level) they both offered to pay into the household. Why wouldn't they? Young, healthy, earning money, why should any person in that position not make a genuine and reasonable offer to contribute to the household expenses? It shouldn't come to anywhere near a parent having to demand, because the adult child should have got in first, offering a fair whack.

I don't know exactly what my sister and brother cough up. I'm sure it's not exactly a market rent for their rooms and shares of the bills, but then my parents aren't renting out their rooms as a business. My parents don't "need" the money (as the OP in this thread does) but that's not relevant in my view.

Parents support, clothe, feed and houses their children up to the age of 18, or longer if they go on to further education. The idea that parents are one life-long cash machine and free hotel is a really, really weird one.

My Dad was the first in his family to go to university. His parents didn't pay to support him while he was there, but they housed and fed him in the holidays. He's always been grateful to them, because he grew up in a community where most children left school at 15, got a job, and paid most of their wages into the family pot until they left home years later. So not only did his parents continue to shelter and feed him when he was a student, they had years of not having his wages come into the household every week, as they might reasonably have expected to happen.

neverdespairgirl

Georgiegirl256 wrote: »

Just because you charge your kids, or believe that you should, don't knock other peoples (my parents) choices. I offered numerous times to give them some lodge, but they always declined....preferring I saved for the future, what's wrong with that?

That, though, is the massive difference. You offered, and I'm sure you meant the offer. You didn't have a grand expectation that they should keep you as a young adult and be grateful for your presence in their home.

Your family worked out an arrangement you were all happy with, and respected each other.

If you'd been earning the same amount as both your parents put together, would you have felt happy about living off them?

duchy

chrissyan wrote: »

Maybe I should try it I do however sometimes move the junk he has left around onto his computer desk.


If I stopped doing his washing, he would sulk & moan a lot, but I suppose he would have to do it. Although I don't wash his rugby stuff and that often stays damp & muddy in his bag for a week :eek: I used to give in and do it, but not anymore, he has played more than one game with crumpled muddy kit.:D If I don't buy the extras, he uses mine and my other half's toiletries, to be honest I don't think this is a money issue, but more that he is too idle to shop. My O/h is in agreement with me and thinks £300 is fair.

I honestly can't think of any good reason not to try it -and if at twenty one he's "sulking and moaning a lot" ignore him . He's an adult according to him after all. Turn the TV volume up to drown him out ....or say "That's nice dear" and walk away. It's hard to whine and moan without an audience

He doesn't sound a bad lad just a bit immature if whining and moaning are still going on - but of course it's entirely up to you if whining and moaning nets the results he wants.......or not !!