Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

Mojisola

Google "lancashire ramblers" - you're spoilt for choice in a lovely county.

If you want to start with shorter outings, search for things like "walking for health" - there are groups like that round here which do shorter walks for the less fit.

Walking groups are a great way of getting to know people because there's plenty of time to chat while you're striding along.

If you want to get involved in a practical group in the outdoors, see https://www.tcv.org.uk/greengym/how-green-gym-works

Mojisola

For losing weight - see if any of these appeal -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4896529
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4897420
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/4851018

InsideInsurance

In many parts you could have been talking about my mother but I cut the ties before I was burnt out by it.

You know what happened when I did? Nothing. The world didnt end, she didnt commit suicide as she had said she would (just as she hadnt attempted it a year previously when she claimed she had) and my life improved with a massive stress removed.

I did make reconnections with other family members who had become distant over the years and whilst none blamed my mother directly for the distance I did get a lot of different version of events than she had been telling me over the decades.

It is hard to do, I fully agree. As she gets older (currently early 70s) it may get harder still but the fact she has made no attempt what so ever to reconcile issues after being caught out on her last lies so reconfirms just how devastated she really was.

RAS

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I think the biggest mistake I ever made was to not go to uni away from home when I was 18, I never got out of this small town away from my parents, they have lived here all their lives, and now my son and daughter do too. I can say that I hope they fly a little further away sometime, for themselves, but they both have extremely good lives, my daughter is graduating from the same degree as me this year and mother is paying for her masters, bet she won't pay for mine :-), but who cares, I'll do it anyway.

Hi Susan.

When you graduate how about taking a year out? Get yourself in shape financially and then travel a bit. Even if it is only wwoofing http://www.wwoof.org.uk/ ? They have places worldwide.

And spend a bit of time researching Master's elsewhere and leave that small town to study in a new environment?

Life is too long to spend the rest of it regretting what you did not do at 18. Nothing to stop you doing it now.

And acting at a role model for your children?

SlimmingSusan

I would love to go Woofing RAS, I went on a yoga retreat, running away to Ireland a while back, and they had woofers there, I just have no confidence at the moment, and it is almost like I am wanting to do at 49 what I should have done at 18, I am extremely anxious and have to map out every last move before I go out the door. Not a good way to be.

Mojisola, those threads are great, thanks, I like the frugal frump one, seems to fit me, and Miss Price thanks for the ramblers one. Now just to get some confidence from somewhere and do it.

Just had a conversation over the phone with my MH support worker, who fully supports what I am doing, and is going to write it all down, and give a letter each to my children, as I am not able to get it across to them, as she has them in her web, and then at least they will probably understand more.

He also said he is fully supportive of me and will escalate things if necessary, also not sure I have mentioned this on this thread, but, whilst mother was 'caring' for my father all herself, with no help whatsoever (her words), she put him in what she told me was respite care, turned out it was full time, and he ended up being grossly neglected. Police involved, and social services safeguarding, and it ultimately led to his death. She refuses me any access to speak, but gives my son full consent, and even his new girlfriend, who never knew Dad. The police are being very difficult with me and say I have no right, but I suspect they are not following this case properly, I know they are not, as why have they never spoken to me as a witness/visitor to my dad. Social services, when I spoke to them yesterday to report her and me walking away, confirmed this case is still open.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I would love to go Woofing RAS, I went on a yoga retreat, running away to Ireland a while back, and they had woofers there, I just have no confidence at the moment, and it is almost like I am wanting to do at 49 what I should have done at 18

Step by step - as you make each small change, the next will be easier.

You won't find yourself alone if you do treat yourself to some time out after you get your degree - there are plenty of more mature people doing the same - widows/widowers/early retirees/divorcees/empty nesters/etc. The "year out" isn't the preserve of the 18 year olds any more.

SlimmingSusan

Mojisola wrote: »

Step by step - as you make each small change, the next will be easier.

You won't find yourself alone if you do treat yourself to some time out after you get your degree - there are plenty of more mature people doing the same - widows/widowers/early retirees/divorcees/etc. The "year out" isn't the preserve of the 18 year olds any more.

These are exactly the type of people I need to meet and get involved with M.

red_devil

Mojisola wrote: »

Step by step - as you make each small change, the next will be easier.

You won't find yourself alone if you do treat yourself to some time out after you get your degree - there are plenty of more mature people doing the same - widows/widowers/early retirees/divorcees/etc. The "year out" isn't the preserve of the 18 year olds any more.

My mum and i didnt always see eye to eye and there was a period about 3 years ago or so where we didnt speak. However we got back on speaking terms and i am glad i did. Last may she died and everyday i think about her and i dream of her often. Even tho she had faults i dearly wish she were still alive. Im glad we were ok with each other when she died.

i think you have to think carefully before cutting a parent off, siblings maybe but that tie with a parent is different. Just my opinion.

SlimmingSusan

red_devil wrote: »

My mum and i didnt always see eye to eye and there was a period about 3 years ago or so where we didnt speak. However we got back on speaking terms and i am glad i did. Last may she died and everyday i think about her and i dream of her often. Even tho she had faults i dearly wish she were still alive. Im glad we were ok with each other when she died.

i think you have to think carefully before cutting a parent off, siblings maybe but that tie with a parent is different. Just my opinion.

Yes I get this, and my turmoil at the moment is the fear I will regret it forever and it will destroy me, but I am between a rock and a hard place. It is self preservation and thinking about my children and grandson at this time. It is very, very hard.

I have thought very carefully, but feel a bit impulsive so get what you are saying, but this is much more than not seeing eye to eye.

RAS

red devil

Your experience was your experience, about which you post on virtually every single thread to do with mothers.

Susan has her own experience. Yours has no relevance to her experience.