Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

SlimmingSusan

missprice wrote: »

Err well I didn't mean to make you cry sweetie.

Sorry

Do not apologise , crying is cathartic and better than bottling up and breaking down which is my past pattern

SlimmingSusan

is it possible to print out a whole thread to take to the one contact I have MH support today?

Copy and paste?

Mojisola

red_devil wrote: »

How would you feel now ss if you got a call to say mum had died. Would you feel relief, sadness or what.

It's a shame we can't get Susan's mother to answer the same question - how would she feel if she got a call to say that Susan had died - guilty at the way she'd treated her, sad that she'd never told her how much her help was appreciated, angry that her helper wasn't going to be at her beck and call any more?

SlimmingSusan

However, there is no law set in stone that one person needs to run themselves into the ground physically and emotionally, particularly when they get nil thanks anyway.

This is a massive thanks Pauline, thank you

paulineb_2

Mojisola wrote: »

It's a shame we can't get Susan's mother to answer the same question - how would she feel if she got a call to say that Susan had died - guilty at the way she'd treated her, sad that she'd never told her how much her help was appreciated, angry that her helper wasn't going to be at her beck and call any more?

To be honest, the mum sounds like she has complex issues and Im not sure how her mind would work in that instance, the thread seems very similar to another one on the boards where the OP of that thread has a dysfunctional relationship with her mother and what you grow up with believing to be "normal" actually isn't at all.

missprice

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

is it possible to print out a whole thread to take to the one contact I have MH support today?

Copy and paste?

Prob c and p I don't know any other way, but I use chrome.

At least MH will have some idea what your going through

SlimmingSusan

Mojisola wrote: »

It's a shame we can't get Susan's mother to answer the same question - how would she feel if she got a call to say that Susan had died - guilty at the way she'd treated her, sad that she'd never told her how much her help was appreciated, angry that her helper wasn't going to be at her beck and call any more?

I don't helpin any way andam a massive dissapointment to her, she would say good riddance, I was not worthy of her

missprice

paulineb wrote: »

To be honest, the mum sounds like she has complex issues and Im not sure how her mind would work in that instance, the thread seems very similar to another one on the boards where the OP of that thread has a dysfunctional relationship with her mother and what you grow up with believing to be "normal" actually isn't at all.

I know the thread you mean.
Its truly amazing to me that so many of us actually get to adulthood, when you consider what we go through and what things we think are 'normal'

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I don't helpin any way andam a massive dissapointment to her, she would say good riddance, I was not worthy of her

Then there's no reason for you not to cut the ties and live the rest of your life for yourself.

paulineb_2

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

However, there is no law set in stone that one person needs to run themselves into the ground physically and emotionally, particularly when they get nil thanks anyway.

This is a massive thanks Pauline, thank you

I would think that a big emotion that your mum makes you feel if thats the right phrase is guilt, if you don't support her the way she wants you'll feel guilty and it must be very difficult when there is love as well. Sometimes family relationships are complex, I know this from experience (not with my mum, but other things that have happened). And thats what sees you stuck, because you think that if you aren't there for your mum and something happens to her, it will be your fault.

It wont be your fault, its simply not healthy to be around someone who is so toxic towards you. This woman has choices. She is capable of being nice to some people, your kids for example. But not you. That's the most basic bullying tactic there is, big someone up to put other people down. Ive never experienced that in my family, I have in jobs though on more than one occasion. I have been attacked a lot in my life, told I was rubbish at everything, by bosses (I wasn't), by ex partners. Sometimes your mind ends up so messed up, you end up thinking that there's something wrong with you. I actually believed for a very long time after an ex partner who had nil good to say about me, when they were with someone else and "happy" that I was the problem, because they were clearly happy with someone else and not me. I didnt have a clue if they were happy or not, its just the way my mind dealt with it, because I was drip fed the who could be happy with you line so many times.

And thats different because you aren't caught up in having to have someone in your life because they are family. But my experience of people who bully others, put down other people and are generally horrible to them, is that they have a major problem with themselves and end up projecting the lot of it onto you.

I understand that some of your mothers issues may stem from the life she herself had. But there are people who have tough lives who wouldnt treat anyone like that, I know people who have gone through more than many people do in a lifetime who aren't toxic to other people.

I think to be honest with you, if you stay in this toxic situation, you may end up having a full on breakdown at some point. Distance yourself and you may go through some feelings of guilt and worry, but I think your mental health might improve. Shes not going to change at her age, Im pretty sure of that and I bet you are as well.
There is only so much negativity that the mind can cope with before something has to give.

And one thing I also learned and that took me a long time, is that the people in my life who think I am great, far outnumber the people in my life who have told me I am a bit of rubbish, but for many years, it was the words of the people who told me I was a nothing who I believed, because my mindset was such that I believed that if they thought that, everyone must think that. It wasnt the case.

Get some help as soon as you can. Even if its just some generic counselling that will allow you to sit and talk and someone listens, its a start

Also, toxic people can often come across as very charming to other people. If I told some people about the harm one person in my life tried to cause me over a long period of time, they wouldn't believe me, because its the charming side they present to the world.

You didnt ask to spend years of your life in this situation, but you can take steps to distance yourself from it, work on repairing your damaged self esteem.

Plus enjoy life, no matter what it is you want to do that makes you feel good about yourself, find out what that is and do it, no matter if its a really simple thing, get out there and do it. And try and look forward, looking back won't help you. No matter how painful the past has been its done, you need to try and get help to put it in its place and move on, even if you cant make sense of why all this happened to you, you deserve to be able to have a better quality of life moving foward.

I found the website bullyonline a great help to me when I met some really toxic people and even though its a work based site, it has some personality profiles and behaviours that a few people ive met in my life have fitted.