Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

SlimmingSusan

Here I am reaching out for help again, but it seems that the theme is always the same, my mother, and it is time I made a stand as she is making me ill, yet I feel so down I need advice from others, as cannot think clearly.

Without going through it all, you can see my many other threads on here, a conversation with her yesterday is the one that broke the camel's back, or whatever the saying is.

She said for the umpteenth time that I do nothing for her, whilst, in truth, I have burnt myself out, as an only child, doing everything .

She is alone after my Dad died last year, and can hardly walk, never goes out, refuses all outside help, apart from me, even though she has had attendance allowance for the last 8 years, andif I, as advised by Social Services ages ago, take a step back to make a stand ang get her to accept even a cleaner for instance, then she cuts me off and satrts calling my 26 year old son, who has a family of his own.

I took her to Wales a couple of weeks ago for her brother's funeral, and it was then that I realised how bad she is with me. She put me down the whols time, criticised my driving, called my son and daughter on her mobile the whole 4.5 hour drive, and was really awful to me, thinking it was funny. I have putup with this for years, my ex husband and my son treat me the exact same way, but interestingly my daughter does not, I have a great relationship with her, despite their best efforts.

As an only child, and now the next of kin, I cannot just walk away as she needs care, but I cannot stand the abuse either, it feels like being in an abusive marriage almost.

It goes as far as her forgetting things I do, or crediting my son with the things I have done.I cannot go out much as she used to have a go at me if I went anywhere, so it has affected me so much that I stay in or feel guilty if I go anywhere and end up crying in the middle of a shop etc.

I'm now under MH services, but she won't entertain that fact, saying I'm weak, yet she has recently been on antidepressants.

I now realise she has been like this my entire life, and I'm 50 this year, it was only when Dad had his stroke 8 years ago that she became worse and it is so obvious. She has me a nervous wreck, yet I still love her as she is my mother. I just don't know what to do, but I really want to just cut her off and get on with my degree. It is affecting that also, I should be in lectures today but cannot think straight so am at home worrying about her. People on another thread were right, it just isn't worth it.

Any ideas or similar experiences on how to handle this?

valk_scot

Your last thread was the one about hanging on in there because of the inheritance money, wasn't it? Well, you were given some excellent advice there so I'll repeat it...walk away, cut all contact, get on with your life and forget about the money. I don't see what's changed except that you're finally beginning to realise that you're at the end of your tether about it.


Get your coat on, right now, and go to lectures. Even if you don't take in a single word you'll feel better doing it that sitting at home stewing. You don't actually need to think any more about this, the facts are in front of you, you've written them all down. Now it's up to you...do you want to live your life or her life?

SlimmingSusan

no it wasn't about inheritance, but yes it was mentioned, as I have put up with this for too long, and she always used to try to 'buy' my loyalty, and also use it as a reason I have a 'duty' to her, her words not mine. She can keep her money or pass it onto my kids, which I would do anyway, I own my own house and am doing ok. What is money without health anyway?

I'd rather she spent every damn penny on a decent care package so I could have peace of mind.

Yes you're right I am starting to realise, but it is more about my moral standards as a daughter and a person, and if I can live with myself if I choose to walk away.

I can catch up on the lectures, and making a decision and getting the right advice will be a weight off my shoulders.

I guess I'm more after advice in the way of carer support, social services, do I have a duty to inform them, as I think I should, at the moment she is totally off the radar.

Thank Val though, you are right.

clarryd

SlimmingSusan I feel so sorry for you, your life has been taken over by your mother.

I always worry my daughter being an only child will have the same problems as you, but I WOULD appreciate it unlike your mother, and I am not in the habit of belittling her at home or in company.

You need to start by contacting Social Services and getting her carer's in a couple of times a day. I know you say she doesn't want anyone else to help but if your not there and in hospital as your own health has hit rock bottom (doesn't seem that that is going to be much longer) then someone else will have to help, and I don't mean your son. She just has to be told that you are not going to be there at her beck and call as you are busy, even if you are not and just want a relaxing bath.

You have a degree to be getting on with, and this is something you really want as your 50 years old and wouldn't be going through the whole uni thing at your age unless it was important to you.

So got get your coat and head off to your lecture, it may surprise you how better you will feel after a bit of you time, doing something you want to do.

Hope you don't find this rather hard but I am a mother of an only child and I don't think this behaviour is acceptable as you seem to do everything for your mother.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

She said for the umpteenth time that I do nothing for her, whilst, in truth, I have burnt myself out, as an only child, doing everything.

She is alone after my Dad died last year, and can hardly walk, never goes out, refuses all outside help, apart from me, even though she has had attendance allowance for the last 8 years, andif I, as advised by Social Services ages ago, take a step back to make a stand ang get her to accept even a cleaner for instance, then she cuts me off and satrts calling my 26 year old son, who has a family of his own.

You and your family need to pull together. Once you have professional care arranged, the rest of the family need to step back and not take every phone call, rush to her side every time she demands it, etc.

As an only child, and now the next of kin, I cannot just walk away as she needs care, but I cannot stand the abuse either, it feels like being in an abusive marriage almost.

It is an abusive relationship. There were many husbands and wives who stayed in abusive relationships in the past because they had taken vows and felt morally obliged to suffer. Fortunately times have changed.

You are not going to walk away and leave your mother without care. You can arrange carers to support her - if she chooses not to have them, that's her decision, but she doesn't have the right to insist that you make yourself ill, personally caring for her while constantly being abused and belittled.

She has me a nervous wreck, yet I still love her as she is my mother. I just don't know what to do, but I really want to just cut her off and get on with my degree. It is affecting that also, I should be in lectures today but cannot think straight so am at home worrying about her. People on another thread were right, it just isn't worth it.

And where is her love for you as her daughter?

Abused spouses usually feel that they should stay in the relationship - many of them still love their abuser. You have to ask yourself why someone you love is treating you so appallingly - does she really care at all for you? If everything you do is wrong, why does she want you around all the time - because you're actually doing a very good job and she is being well cared for as well as having the twisted pleasure of manipulating and upsetting you whenever she wants.

Would you treat your son the same way? Would you expect him to give up his life and make himself ill if you did?

Why not expect from your mother the same love and care you give your child? If she wont act like a mother, stop feeling guilty as a daughter.

SlimmingSusan

Thanks ClarryD, the difference is the mothering instinct, which my mother has seemed to lack looking back.I would appreciate anything with my 2 also, but it has affected me so much that I expect or ask nothing from them. Gosh this sounds bad typing it.

By the way, my latest essay was about only children being disadvantaged compared to those with siblings, and the research astounded me. I have always felt the only child stigma/curse yet, when I did the essay with research to back it up, it completely turned that around. 50 years to realise it :-)

SlimmingSusan

Gosh Mojisola, she shows me no love, never did. She will sometimes call me love in a text message, or in a comment, and it is so important to me that I cling onto that one word, 'She called me love'. It hurts that she makes a big show of hugging and kissing my son everytime he leaves, yet he has never hugged me unless I ask, and she definitely never has. Not my daughter though, interestingly.

No she doesn't care, if I try to tell her anything she talks over me. It was bad when I reported an offence against me which happened when I was 14, by their masonic friend's sons and she shouted at me it never happened. It did, as a mother myself I would have done everything to support my children, she just screamed at me. I did a police video statement, but could not remember enough for it to go to court, but they did say they believed me.

Georgiegirl256

In a way, she sounds similar to how my Nana was. My Nana wasn't a nasty person, but she had a very sharp tongue, she didn't take no sh*t off anyone, and my Mam being her main carer, took the brunt of that for many years.

My Mam had three brothers (only one left now), and all but one lived away. My Nana, not seeing them very often, thought they could do no wrong whatsoever, and my poor Mam bore the brunt of everything, and like you say, she would do something, but one of the lads would get the credit for it.

All the 3 lads were my Nana's golden boys, but my poor Mam was basically an unpaid carer. As we lived near by, she'd be up there 2-3 times a day, basically doing on all housework, shopping etc for 2 houses as well as working and bringing me up, I really don't know how she did it. My Granda who she (and I) was especially close to, always told her how much he appreciated everything she was doing for them, but my Nana never gave her one iota of thanks, and like I say, was always harsh and abrupt....I never saw my Mam cry, but she later told me that she did. What upset my Mam the most I think was that my Nana never really showed any interest in her life, or gave her any praise (even though deep down she loved my Mam and was proud), but was always praising the three lads.

After my Granda died, my Nana went into a home, that was her choice though, she didn't want to be in the house on her own, and also didn't want to be a burden to my Mam I'm sure, because deep down, she was a good person, she really was, she just had a very sharp tongue, and didn't realise sometimes just how much she hurt people.

Maybe that's like your Mum OP? Maybe deep down she isn't a nasty person, just very harsh, and you know what? People usually take things out on those that's closest to them. I believe that's what happened in my Mam's case, and that could be the same in yours? Or is she deep down a really nasty person?

But yes, whatever the situation, it sounds like you do need to get some outside help in, for your own sanity at least.

ETA: Just re-read the OP and realised the brother mentioned, wasn't yours but your Mum's, and you are any only child (me too, so I feel your pain), but I still maintain, people take things out on those closest to them, and you are the closest person your Mum has, doesn't make it right, but in my experience that's what usually happens.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Gosh Mojisola, she shows me no love, never did. She will sometimes call me love in a text message, or in a comment, and it is so important to me that I cling onto that one word, 'She called me love'.

It hurts that she makes a big show of hugging and kissing my son everytime he leaves, yet he has never hugged me unless I ask, and she definitely never has. Not my daughter though, interestingly.

That will be quite deliberate - it's part of maintaining her control over you. When she does things like that, she will be checking your reaction to judge how much you are under her control. If you start to show you are getting free from her, she will up her game to pull you back in.

If you have time, it would be worth reading up on abusive relationships - spouses use exactly the same techniques to keep their abused partners in line.

You are in an extremely difficult position - it's easy for us to say "Do this" or "Stop doing that" but it isn't easy to do because you will be getting the flack. You have a choice to carry on as you are (which is very hard and making you ill) or stop kowtowing to her (which will be awful in the short term but will result in you being free to live your own life eventually).

If you imagine how badly a spoilt three year would act if you took away her favourite toy and then scale it up to the prolonged tantrum a manipulative elder could sustain and you can see that you are going to need mental and emotional armour to cope with it as well as support wherever you can find it - from family, friends, student groups or your MH team and, of course, us.

SlimmingSusan

Your post has really made me cry Georgie as you have hit the nail on the head, she is not a nasty person, just does not realise, and she is exactly like your Nan with a very sharp tongue, in fact embarrassingly so, and in some ways I admire her strength.

She has had a hard life, she is the second child of 6 and was given away to her dad's brother as a baby, as they could not have children, and then found out at age 11 that the 5 cousins she had were her brothers and sisters. She is so loving towards them nowadays, they are her world

There is also something about her losing a few boys to miscarriage or stillbirth before I was born, it is something told to me but have never gone into it, but she favours boys.

SlimmingSusan

I have to do it Mojisola, I have to. I already phoned my MH support worker, but he is very middle class, god love him, and just doesn't get it. He will listen though and I only see him once a week. Who should I contact for support please?I thought carers direct maybe, but what should I be asking?

The difference between mum and dad was that dad suffered vascular dementia as a result of his stroke, so she completely tookm over, signing things in his name etc, she is a control freak, the difference now is her mind is sharp as a knife but her body is very frail.