Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

Roz_V

SlimmingSusan, if there is nobody family or friends that you can talk to, how about at your University? In my experience they generally have fantastic student support services and would be able to help you find somebody completely away from the situation to talk to.

SlimmingSusan

Thanks Roz, yes I did speak to Student Support yesterday, and they were very good, though not sure how coherent I was.

Unfortunately our family consists literally of me, mother, and my 2 children and my grandson now, who isonly 2, apart from her brothers and sisters who think I am the difficult daughter as she has told them my son does everything.

Her brother's funeral was interesting, as his son, my cousin, also an only child had estranged himself from his dad years and years ago- it made us all sad that Uncle J never got to see his grandsons, and none of them were there at the funeral. Maybe my cousin was stronger than me and maybe a family trait?

SlimmingSusan

I do have a MH appointment at 3 this afternoon, I have had so many services over so many years and it all comes back to my mother. This is a level 3 MH service, where the crisis team is a 5 so pretty serious. It is supposed to be CBT and he is very good, but am wondering if I need to address these issues first and heal then rebuild. I cannot tell you what a massive decision this has been for me.

RAS

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Her brother's funeral was interesting, as his son, my cousin, also an only child had estranged himself from his dad years and years ago- it made us all sad that Uncle J never got to see his grandsons, and none of them were there at the funeral. Maybe my cousin was stronger than me and maybe a family trait?

Do you have any contact details for this cousin?

And how about you contact the other cousins yourself and see them minus mum????

Do not discuss mum with them just relate to them as people.

You may find that they have a very different view of the situation to the one that you think they have?

Slowdown

Hi there
Just been reading your thread and felt very sorry for your situation on the one hand, but think you can turn this around if you really want to.

Change is hard. People who stay in relationships, no matter how unpleasant, do so because it fulfils a need for both parties involved. Your mother's need to control and dominate is fulfilled through her nasty comments and belittling of you. Your need to be in any relationship at all and feel needed by another person is also being fulfilled, though of course in an extremely negative way. The key is to recognise the need and fulfil it elsewhere.

We do not choose our families. Society gives us this ridiculous notion that we should all live in a Walton's like haze of love and laughter, where everyone behaves with good intent and selfless generosity. That is not real life.

Real life consists of a series of choices and struggles. From education, through finance, into families and friendships we all have choices to make about how we run our lives and who we run them with. Just because you share a bloodline does not mean you have to share every breath.

My mother lives 320 miles away from me and I am happy about that. We talk on the phone and see each other two or three times a year. She does not behave in the same way as yours at all but I have no wish to share more time with her. People are individuals and deserve to have their own time and space to enjoy their lives. I have bought my own children up to be independent, tolerant individuals who will make their own way in life without relying on me. I love them to bits and we all enjoy great relationships. I have no expectations of them looking after me in my old age, I simply want them to be happy. If they do look after me it will be their choice not mine.

Your mother is guilty of bullying and you are guilty of making yourself complicit in this. She cannot be a bully if their is no victim.

Firstly perhaps you should begin to find your feet in other relationships. Tell your daughter you are going to start standing up for yourself and ask her for support in this.
Join a local group in which you feel comfortable and start to make links with other people. Reach out to others on your course by suggesting a coffee, a glass of wine etc

And then begin with your mum. Next time she says something rude, simply ask her to apologise. If she doesn't see it and refuses, tell her you are leaving and then do it! Leave!

You need to remember that a relationship consists of two people. If you continue in it, then you must realise that you are fulfilling your own needs as well as hers.

I really hope you can sort this out. Take care of yourself.

Kind regards
Slowdown

missprice

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I do have a MH appointment at 3 this afternoon, I have had so many services over so many years and it all comes back to my mother.
I cannot tell you what a massive decision this has been for me.

Well when you go to your MH app, by all means tell them that you are dissociating from your mother and why, but if you feel great about it, tell them.
If you feel really awful about it, tell them.

Now as soon as you get chance, you have to go join a club, any club or association that takes your fancy. Try it and if you hate it try another. This is all in the name of finding friends.:D

You can tell us anything including what a huge decision this is. We already know.
Some of us had decades of this treatment, some of us realized early on what it was going to be like and got out.
You cannot shock us with what you say, we either heard it all or lived through it all.
We who went through this don't judge, either your actions or your words.

I really hope you are strong enough to cope, as soon as your mother figures out that your no longer at her beck and call, it will be all out war to bring you to heel.

Before you do anything, post here and get advice, if your son kicks off, get out of the way and call police first, then post for advice.

And be happy at last.

SlimmingSusan

RAS wrote: »

Do you have any contact details for this cousin?

And how about you contact the other cousins yourself and see them minus mum????

Do not discuss mum with them just relate to them as people.

You may find that they have a very different view of the situation to the one that you think they have?

I had thought of contacting my cousin RAS, as he and I were very close at one time, and he was the only cousin who made an effort and kept in touch.(there are 10 of us). I think you are right, maybe I will contact him first, it must be a very hard time for him at the moment, he had not seen his dad for 30 years, and I need to be careful, as I am very fragile. He is very bitter, as his dad ran off with a nurse and ended up on top of a hill in Wales, and he said he wanted nothing to do with the funeral, and if he had been left anything he would send it back. He is bitter 30 years on.

SlimmingSusan

Thanks Miss Price, honestly all the advice I am getting is going in at last. I feel like a broken animal licking it's wounds.

So which diet works best then, and which club should I join, I love walking and am in beautiful Lancashire with a lot of access to fells etc, so maybe will start there.

I want to reclaim my body, soul and myself before it is too late. Thanks for all the support.

SlimmingSusan

Some very good advice there Slowdown, I am just digesting it but many thanks, I will rebuild, I will, I will set boundaries, love my children, and grandson, and damn well get this degree! Just for me, nobody else, for me.

I think the biggest mistake I ever made was to not go to uni away from home when I was 18, I never got out of this small town away from my parents, they have lived here all their lives, and now my son and daughter do too. I can say that I hope they fly a little further away sometime, for themselves, but they both have extremely good lives, my daughter is graduating from the same degree as me this year and mother is paying for her masters, bet she won't pay for mine :-), but who cares, I'll do it anyway.

missprice

http://www.ramblers.org.uk/become-a-member.aspx

There ya go for 3quid a month