Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

missprice

moremore wrote: »

I have not read all the threads..... but the way I see it you let your mother destroy your confidence, you became an adult when you reached the age of 18 or maybe it was 21 then. You were not tied to her apron strings. Why did you stay around instead of going out and making your own way in life. If that had happened you and your mother could have been friends.

Sigh.

Because when you are trained from a very young age to do as your mother/father/sibling wants. That is what you do.
They say jump, you ask how high.
They withhold all affection, sometimes food, sometimes toilet privilages, what ever you can think of to make life difficult. I once had a box of chocs taken from me. It was a present off my grandad and it wasn't for anyone to take from me.

After years of living this way, you adhere to the rules, despite not knowing what the rules are, you walk on eggshells pointlessly, because you don't want to upset anyone.
You do this because you are trained for it.
You have no choices because they are trained out of you, probably before you can speak you have learned all this stuff.

his_missus

moremore wrote: »

I have not read all the threads..... but the way I see it you let your mother destroy your confidence, you became an adult when you reached the age of 18 or maybe it was 21 then. You were not tied to her apron strings. Why did you stay around instead of going out and making your own way in life. If that had happened you and your mother could have been friends.

...perhaps because Susan loved her family and wanted to stay geographically close to them? Maybe she felt some sort of obligation to be around for her family? I haven't read all of her threads either but it does sound like she has only recently realised the extent of the effect her mother's behaviour has on her.

red_devil

thorsoak wrote: »

You can love your mother and accept the fact that she does not treat you well - and you also have to accept the fact that she is not going to change now!

Arm yourself with this fact, try and put some distance between the pair of you, and try to allow yourself to love yourself!

You could also pity her.

SlimmingSusan

missprice wrote: »

Sigh.

Because when you are trained from a very young age to do as your mother/father/sibling wants. That is what you do.
They say jump, you ask how high.
They withhold all affection, sometimes food, sometimes toilet privilages, what ever you can think of to make life difficult. I once had a box of chocs taken from me. It was a present off my grandad and it wasn't for anyone to take from me.

After years of living this way, you adhere to the rules, despite not knowing what the rules are, you walk on eggshells pointlessly, because you don't want to upset anyone.
You do this because you are trained for it.
You have no choices because they are trained out of you, probably before you can speak you have learned all this stuff.

this spot on and made me cry- again., thanks.

missprice

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

this spot on and made me cry- again., thanks.

Err well I didn't mean to make you cry sweetie.

Sorry

red_devil

I recognise it must be hard when you are the only child as well.

my granny was difficult with my mum, i remember when we used to go round, mum used to say we wont stay long. Granny favoured her son more he could do no wrong. He was an alky who never left home, he lived with her. Mum married and had children. Granny had lost her own husband very young.

I think when my granny died though it was my mum she was calling for on the hospital ward. Its harx to work it all out the dynamics of family relationships.

SlimmingSusan

My goodnes, bejeesus, whatever, social services safeguarding have just called me re my conversation with adult social services yesterday. I made an impact, I am not invisible.

The lady who fronted the safeguarding meeting said she did that, and then went on to explain that so many cases are the same, and she will have to look at the case notes for my dad, as it is all such a big mess in her head with all these similar cases.

She said she like my attitude, as in, stop the blame just move forward, but, heck, will I find out who is to blame.

SlimmingSusan

missprice wrote: »

Sigh.

Because when you are trained from a very young age to do as your mother/father/sibling wants. That is what you do.
They say jump, you ask how high.
They withhold all affection, sometimes food, sometimes toilet privilages, what ever you can think of to make life difficult. I once had a box of chocs taken from me. It was a present off my grandad and it wasn't for anyone to take from me.

After years of living this way, you adhere to the rules, despite not knowing what the rules are, you walk on eggshells pointlessly, because you don't want to upset anyone.
You do this because you are trained for it.
You have no choices because they are trained out of you, probably before you can speak you have learned all this stuff.

this spot on and made me cry- again., thanks.

paulineb_2

his_missus wrote: »

...perhaps because Susan loved her family and wanted to stay geographically close to them? Maybe she felt some sort of obligation to be around for her family? I haven't read all of her threads either but it does sound like she has only recently realised the extent of the effect her mother's behaviour has on her.

I think given previous posts and threads, Id say she's been aware for some time. The problem is, if its not tackled very soon, another year will go by, then 5, then 10, more damage done and she'll be sitting looking back wondering why she didn't distance herself sooner. It can't be easy, loving someone who isn't decent to you, but this woman is also making her relationship with her kids more problematic that it needs to be.

I actually think the OP needs specialised professional help, Im aware she has support from mental health services, but if I were her, Id be going back to my GP and asking for a referral to someone who might be able to support her through this, whether its CBT or something a lot more specialised.

Being caught up in the I should have, I didn't do isn't healthy and building self esteem when its damaged, very damaged can be done, but I don't think it's going to be something the OP is going to be able to do in this situation without support and possibly a lot of it.

I absolutely know what its like to have an older person in the family who doesn't want interference as they see it from social work. My gran died at the age of 86, 3 years ago and after a couple of falls and a mild heart attack she was offered and refused certain social work services, but she took support from occupational health and she was happy for family to help out (she didnt need tons of support, shopping as she was housebound and had an alarm pendant incase of another fall). Sometimes older people are proud and don't want what they see as strangers in their home.

However, there is no law set in stone that one person needs to run themselves into the ground physically and emotionally, particularly when they get nil thanks anyway.

Stepping back doesn't mean you dont care, it means that you are asking people to share the load and putting yourself first.

thorsoak

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

this spot on and made me cry- again., thanks.

...passes the box of tissues and {{hug}}