Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

System

Its all about control. I figured that out about 5 years ago when I walked away from my own Mother.


I was supposed to put up with it as in her words 'that's what daughters do'.... Well this daughter didn't.

cheeswright

meritaten wrote: »

Do you KNOW my mother cheesewright? because you have just described her to a "T". my MIL was a classic 'poor me Narcissist" in my view. But, I never thought my mother fitted the 'profile'.

I need to think on this - I feel as if lightening has just struck me.

you have just put very coherently the feelings and knowledge I have been struggling to understand and express for years. how she can praise me to the skies one minute and put me down the next. of course, she wasn't praising me to my face, it was to others. The putdowns were all to my face and in private.
why I get no sympathy for a degenerative back disease while she 'worries' over my sisters problems. (which could be solved if she would quit wearing four inch high heels while working in a shop for six hours a day).

I'm glad you understood what I was trying to say, its not an easy concept to describe succinctly.

meritaten

No it isn't cheesewright and after a frank discussion with my brother - we both realise we don't like her as a person. but, she is our mother and will get help and support.
we both know though that we need to distance ourselves emotionally from her. she upsets us regularly while praising our sister. who to be fair does a lot for her - but she WONT LET us help her. then complains because we don't.
bro and I both conclude we should let her get on with it. we will offer to help and it will be turned down and we shouldn't get upset about it.

Morglin

My own mother was much the same, and from a teenager, I mentally switched off from her. She was a good granny, though, so I kept contact, because of that and because my dad is lovely.

When mum became ill with Dementia, and in a wheelchair, I arranged for her to get statutory support, and did my duty, but that's all it was.

When she died, I felt no sorrow then, and I still don't - she was a difficult, unpleasant women, and my way of protecting myself was to mentally turn away and let it all roll off of me.

Either physically walk away or mentally switch off.

Lin

Georgiegirl256

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Your post has really made me cry Georgie as you have hit the nail on the head, she is not a nasty person, just does not realise, and she is exactly like your Nan with a very sharp tongue, in fact embarrassingly so, and in some ways I admire her strength.

She has had a hard life, she is the second child of 6 and was given away to her dad's brother as a baby, as they could not have children, and then found out at age 11 that the 5 cousins she had were her brothers and sisters. She is so loving towards them nowadays, they are her world

There is also something about her losing a few boys to miscarriage or stillbirth before I was born, it is something told to me but have never gone into it, but she favours boys.

Hugs SS

She does sound like my gran, hard life, sharp tongue, doesn't realise she's hurting people, takes it out on those closest to her, doesn't praise them, and you sound in a very similar situation to my Mam.

I think my Mam wishes sometimes that she'd spoken up and said something, but didn't because my gran was old and ill, deep down didn't mean any harm, and my Mam didn't want an agro for my Granda....I know all those things don't make things right, but that's just how she felt at the time, and my Mam said if she had to do it all again, she would.

My gran was one of he youngest of 12 or 13 children....they sure did have big family's then! :eek:

Reading some of the other posts, it seems like the job of caring for elderly parents nearly always seems to come down to the woman, like I said, my Mam had 3 brothers, and they could do no wrong and were the golden boys in my grans eyes, it's only as I've gotten older that I realise how much this has affected my Mam. I know you have no siblings, but as has been mentioned, some women do seem to have a preference towards the men of the family....in your case, your son.

My gran was a lovely person deep down, she was always good to me, but I think she was of the impression 'a women's place is in the home', and it was down to my Mam to care for everyone, and do everything, while the 3 sons, go off and do as they please. I remember my Mam telling me one particular comment which really stung her, my Mam had said something to my Nana about being tired, and my gran had snapped back, 'how can you be tired?, the lads all have full time jobs, they do this, they do that, you're just a housewife' yeah, a housewife that looks after 2 houses and a child, cooks, cleans and shops for them both!

SlimmingSusan

Well am a bit fragile this morning, but know I have to do this.

Georgie, you are right, I still think she doesn't have a clue and cannot help herself, but it has affected my life for too long, and has come to a head this last year or so. I feel I need time to heal, but do not know where to start. I have no life apart from uni, and am alone and depressed and overweight. I really wish my children could see what she has done/is doing to me like you do with your Mum, but she has them well and truly under her spell, and she is lovely to them. I think they saw it a bit when dad died, but other than that she either does it in private, or puts me down as a joke and has them laughing as if it's harmless when we are together. It is long past harmless.

Cheesewright, you described my mother spot on, I was always pushed to achieve, but only so she could gloat to friends and family, and she somehow made my achievements hers. I passed my 11 plus only because she got me a tutor and I went to grammar school, which she got 7 years of comparing me to others out of, but then she didn't want me to go on to uni, but blames my dad for that. She even had the cheek the other weekend in Wales to brag about me being at uni to my cousins and aunt, then turned it around saying she had always wanted me to go, but as soon as they started asking me about it and how I was finding it, she literally talked over them and changed the subject to my son and how well he is doing. It was embarrassing and this was one of the moments which have made me come to this decision.

I wish I was not alone, I really need hugs and support to start to rebuild a new life, it is as if I am invisible and broken, I know that sounds a bit sensationalist but that is how I feel, no self esteem, and do not know who I am.

SlimmingSusan

Meritaten, I hope you are ok, it is hard isn't it, to grasp that the mother you innately love could actually be like this. It has me reeling a bit as well, but in my case it is time to stop hoping she will change, and look at what damage it has done and try to heal.

his_missus

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I wish I was not alone, I really need hugs and support to start to rebuild a new life, it is as if I am invisible and broken, I know that sounds a bit sensationalist but that is how I feel, no self esteem, and do not know who I am.

Do you have a close friend, someone who will be there and listen to you? It makes me feel so sad that you feel you are alone.

If you have lost touch with friends because you've been so preoccupied with your mum and family situation, try and get back iin touch with them, explain why you've been distant and rebuild those friendships.

Take care xx

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I really wish my children could see what she has done/is doing to me like you do with your Mum, but she has them well and truly under her spell, and she is lovely to them.

I think they saw it a bit when dad died, but other than that she either does it in private, or puts me down as a joke and has them laughing as if it's harmless when we are together. It is long past harmless.

That's because you are the buffer between them and her. If you are out of the picture, will she be able to maintain the niceness when her whipping boy (you!) is out of the picture?

How long will it be before they are fed up of trying to arrange care for her and her rejecting it, annoyed because she's been on the phone endless times and cross because she's let the "nice face" slip and got angry with them?

Just wait for the day when one of the them says to you - I don't know how you put up with Granny all those years! We really didn't know how nasty she can be when she's not getting her own way.

I wish I was not alone, I really need hugs and support to start to rebuild a new life, it is as if I am invisible and broken, I know that sounds a bit sensationalist but that is how I feel, no self esteem, and do not know who I am.

You are in a very sad place and we can't do more that "virtually" care for you and encourage you but we are here.

SlimmingSusan

Thanks both of you, I don't have any friends, no, my parents and my divorce has literally taken over the last 8 years and unraveled well and truly any life I had. It is literally a complete rebuild.

The virtual support is amazing Mojisola, it has already helped typing it down.