Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

margaretclare

It happens in the middle classes as much as it does anywhere else! I've just finished reading 'Blood Lines' by Ruth Rendell who, although she's labelled a 'crime writer', goes very deeply into the psychological background in all her books.

I second what all the others have said. She won't have any carers except for you: reason - to them it's just a job and any insults can be water off a duck's back, but with you, she can get personal, insulting and very hurtful. I've long observed that some older people may lose many of their faculties, mobility, you name it, but one thing they don't lose is a nasty vicious tongue and that, they use to good effect, as a weapon at every opportunity.

You have to stop this. Get out now. She's ruined enough of your life.

I say this with knowledge. I'm close to your Mum's age and thank God, I don't yet need 'care'. I have one surviving daughter who 'can't forgive me' and wants me out of her life. According to her I'm 'that woman' and not her mother at all. What she 'can't forgive' was minor compared to what you're enduring on a day-to-day basis. As the saying goes, it was tomorrow's fish-and-chip wrappers.

Incidentally I applaud you for your degree studies. I graduated with BSc(Hons) Behavioural Sciences aged 45. I know just what being a mature student involves - do I ever! The said daughter graduated BA(Hons) Classics a couple of years ago aged 50 - this involved learning ancient Greek. I'd be very proud of her, if she'd let me. You're someone to be proud of. You're going to have to offload all those negative nay-sayers and people who want to pull you down. I wish you all the best.

pambler

Many years ago my mother, a nurse, used to work in the GP's ward of a local cottage hospital - basically this was where they local GP's could put elderly people into hospital for a couple of weeks, sometimes because they needed a bit of additional medical care that their relatives could not cope with, but often just to give the relatives a week or two of respite, especially if they had the person living with them. My mother would always tell me how the patients used to be lovely with the nurses, but when the relatives came in to visit, many of them would treat them like dirt, being nasty, demanding, controlling - all the things your mother is being with you.

I think she does realise exactly what she is doing to you - especially if she behaves well to her other relatives. Easy for us to say, but I'm guessing not so easy for you to do, however you just need to get on with your life.

It sounds like she can afford care, and receives attendance allowance, so as ClarryD said, get some care organised for her. Don't negotiate with her. You probably need to set down a few ground rules as well - you are happy to go round and see her and help her out, but the minute that she is rude to you, you will walk out of the door. She is bullying you, and bully's don't like people to stand up to them, however as long as you do nothing, she will continue to treat you in this way.

You need to remember that she may well live another 20 years and unless you do something now, she is unlikely to change - could you cope with that?

Mojisola

happyhaddock's long thread on her mother would be worth reading -
https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/3574175

MaLarkin

This thread could have been written by me some years ago. My mother was exactly the same, complained about being lonely but wouldn't answer the phone to anyone and discouraged all her old friends from keeping in touch.
Whatever i did it was never enough. I practically lived with her for 3 years actually sleeping there at night despite having my own family and a full time job. Eventually like you i reached breaking point. I phoned social services and had her admitted for respite care to give me time to think. The problems she had in there made me realise one person couldn't cope with her. (she actually got thrown out of the first care home she was in for her tantrums and finally slapping a member of staff) Did i feel guilty? Oh yes but if i had had the inevitable breakdown it would have happened anyway. No-one else would have put up with her antics for long.
You are her daughter and you have done all you can. When is it your turn to have life? Duty has limits and i think you have reached them.

SlimmingSusan

This thread is so painful to read, the one you posted Mojisola, it is my mum, and my ex husband, and my son.

I live inconstant anxiety, nothing I do is good enough, between my mother, ex husband and son, and I fear every day that she will pass away suddenly like my dad did and I will never have made amends with her, and then the rest of my life will be more screwed up than it has already been.

How can one human being cause such chaos?

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I live inconstant anxiety, nothing I do is good enough, between my mother, ex husband and son, and I fear every day that she will pass away suddenly like my dad did and I will never have made amends with her, and then the rest of my life will be more screwed up than it has already been.

How can you make amends with her?

The person who has caused problems is the one who needs to make amends and that's her!

If it will help you feel better, you could try forgiving her for the way she treats you but you need to stop thinking that you are the cause of the problem - you are the victim.

SlimmingSusan

that is just as bad, as she cannot see it , and will never make amends as she does not see she is wrong in any way, I am fearful how it will go . I am scared of my son, he has attacked me physically in the past. How do I stop being a victim? I double lock the door every night as I feel so scared she has manipulated him enough to do me harm, this is true, sorry. I know it is extreme.

BitterAndTwisted

It's going to take iron resolve to get this situation sorted because you will have two battles to fight. The first one is with yourself finally deciding that you can't and won't do any more for your mother than you are able or willing to do. The second will be with Social Services who will leave you to cope with this by yourself if you give them even the tiniest inkling that you could be left to soldier on alone as you have been doing.

So, you need to decide whether you are strong enough to threaten and then to actually leave her to her own devices. Get Social Services in and make it clear to them that your relationship has broken down, her demands upon you are too great and too unreasonable and that you cannot and will not be totally responsible for her care any longer because you are not capable. Fully expect them to try to manipulate you into agreeing t carry on as you are, because as long as someone else will do the job they won't have to find the funding or the resources to replace you.

Do you think you could do all this?

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I'm now under MH services

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

How do I stop being a victim?

This seems to be the source of the problem. Have you asked about getting help from the MH services?

If nothing is available - walk away from the people who are treating you like this.

It won't resolve the issue because, unless you learn how to stand up for yourself, you'll get into other similar relationships but it will give temporary respite.

Mojisola

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

Here I am reaching out for help again, but it seems that the theme is always the same, my mother, and it is time I made a stand as she is making me ill, yet I feel so down I need advice from others, as cannot think clearly.

She said for the umpteenth time that I do nothing for her, whilst, in truth, I have burnt myself out, as an only child, doing everything.

I cannot go out much as she used to have a go at me if I went anywhere, so it has affected me so much that I stay in or feel guilty if I go anywhere and end up crying in the middle of a shop etc.

I'm now under MH services

I just don't know what to do, but I really want to just cut her off and get on with my degree. It is affecting that also, I should be in lectures today but cannot think straight so am at home worrying about her.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

So, you need to decide whether you are strong enough to threaten and then to actually leave her to her own devices. Get Social Services in and make it clear to them that your relationship has broken down, her demands upon you are too great and too unreasonable and that you cannot and will not be totally responsible for her care any longer because you are not capable. Fully expect them to try to manipulate you into agreeing t carry on as you are, because as long as someone else will do the job they won't have to find the funding or the resources to replace you.

Do you think you could do all this?

I don't think she has a choice - either she makes the decision and follows your advice or she will have a breakdown and be unavailable to do anything for her mother.

Both results mean that mother will have to accept professional care. One solution means Susan can get with her degree; the other that she'll have to drop out until she can regain her own health.