Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

Egypt191

I really feel for you OP, and I understand ( to a slightly lesser extent ) what you are going through.

I am the only female surrounded by brothers. From a very young age I was expected to do the 'girl chores', whilst my brothers got to enjoy their life coming and going as they please. When I left home to go travelling my mother took herself off to the hospital for the whole time I was away, I can't even explain the guilt I felt at the time, but in hindsight I know it was to try and get me to return.

Now, I get phone calls at completely unreasonable times of the day/night, and the onus is in me to care for her, with my brothers being the apples of her eye.

She's rude, mean and nasty about my children (adores their cousins though). I reached breaking point a few months ago after another nasty phonecall demanding I help her, then telling me I don't do anything my brothers do everything. I snapped, told her exactly what I thought and suggested she get my brothers to help her in the future. This then resulted in her ( albeit a week later) phoning and apologising saying she didn't realise how unfair she'd been.

I'm not saying that things are perfect now, but she knows I now hold the cards, and will not accept her behaviour, because I don't have to.

I also understand that no matter what they do, their still your mum, and this is the hardest tie to break. But remember, you should always put yourself first, because if you don't you won't be able to care for anybody else anyway.

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

that is just as bad, as she cannot see it , and will never make amends she does not see, I am fearful how it will go . I am scared of my son, he has attacked my physically in the past. How do I stop being a victim?

I also was in an abusive relationship, the only way you can stop being a victim is by by helping yourself ( I'm not being harsh, just this is the only way). If you look up domestic violence, there are quite a few aids out there to help you help yourself .

missprice

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

This thread is so painful to read, the one you posted Mojisola, it is my mum, and my ex husband, and my son.

I live inconstant anxiety, nothing I do is good enough, between my mother, ex husband and son, and I fear every day that she will pass away suddenly like my dad did and I will never have made amends with her, and then the rest of my life will be more screwed up than it has already been.

How can one human being cause such chaos?

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

that is just as bad, as she cannot see it , and will never make amends she does not see, I am fearful how it will go . I am scared of my son, he has attacked my physically in the past. How do I stop being a victim?

By posting on here you have made a start.

It will be really difficult, and you may have many set backs.
But we on here who have been through similar will help.
That constant anxiety can be gone if you can follow through with the steps.
And do you know, you can be so incredibly happy when that anxiety has gone.
It is amazing how light you will feel.

So read happy haddock's thread, see what it is you want, no contact, sporadic contact, phone only contact. And stick to the rules.

You will at some point fail because of guilty feelings, this is OK.
You will cry buckets, this is OK
You will think we are all so incredibly mean asking you to treat your mother this way, that's OK.
You will however get through and wonder why you didn't do it 30 years ago.

HPoirot

Your mother's behaviour is a long-standing classic behavioural pattern for women, thankfully all this has changed in this day and age. You are the souffre douleur for all your mother's frustrations throughout her life. If you were a son, I bet she would not have been so forthcoming with the abuse.

You have been pummelled into the shape of a punch-bag by your mother, it is little wonder at all that your ex-husband and son kept pummelling you I'm afraid. Your daughter seems immune to it as she may have felt the burden on it herself at times, albeit maybe unconsciously through your suffering.

As others have said, get out now, stop putting up with it. You can only change the actions and reactions of others towards you if you change yours towards them. Break out of the mould and take control.

Raksha

I'm in a similar position with my oh, I posted similar on here yesterday. I too have mh issues but not currently on their books. I think my oh has read my message and today has been most contrite.

Would it help to write something down for her to read?

SlimmingSusan

I did post on your thread Raksha earlier, can see the similarities. I may well write a cathartic letter, good idea, and either burn it or send it.

SlimmingSusan

How do I start Miss Price, I have just had a call back from my amazing GP who is a different practice from my mother, and she has given me permission to step away, for my own health, she has been saying it to me for a long time.

missprice

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

How do I start Miss Price, I have just had a call back from my amazing GP who is a different practice from my mother, and she has given me permission to step away, for my own health, she has been saying it to me for a long time.

You have a fabby gp

Think what is it you actually want.
Full contact?
Minimum contact?
Phone only contact?
Letter only contact?
See once a week/month/year contract?
Some other contact that i cant think of?

You decide and we all on here help you.

Also google gaslighting.

If you read all you can about this kind of abuse you can decide what to do about it.

SlimmingSusan

No contact at the moment, but to know she is looked after and my son is not being put on is all I want and need, whatever it takes

Oh my goodness, gaslighting, now the light is coming on.

How do I recover from this?

missprice

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

No contact at the moment, but to know she is looked after and my son is not being put on.

Oh my goodness, gaslighting, now the light is coming on.

How do I recover from this?

Ahh sweetie, all you need is time away from the abuse and try to not blame yourself for not seeing it sooner.

OK well if you go no contact from the start, be prepared for a whole lot of emotional demands.
She will be dying with an unspecified pain. It could be cancer you know, but it isn't.
She will call you to tell you your awful and she never wants to see you again or to call.
She will tell your son that your mean and nasty, and he will have a go at you too.
She will have other unspecific ailments that could all lead to her dying. But they wont really.
This is not a definitive list, the idea varies but they all lead to you going running because that's what you do.
Dont fall for this clap trap.

You need to sort out her care by other people.
Then either, change all phone numbers, or if you have a smartphone, get her in a block list.
If your son comes round, dont answer the door, if any relatives or friends tell you how awful you are just ignore.

That's the full no contact, from which there is usually no going back. It tends to be permanent from what I have seen. Just be warned she will play every trick we know of and a whole load more, don't be fooled

If you still want her to call you ( from now on you will never call her) you set the broken record in play.

She calls you and her first words are mean and nasty? You say I won't talk to you about this matter, and YOU PUT THE PHONE DOWN.

she calls and says nothing nasty for 3 mins then she starts. You say, I am not prepared to talk about this, and YOU PUT THE PHONE DOWN.

you are retraining her.
You don't visit for a veeerrryyy long time, and when you finally do and she says something mean, you tell her you won't discuss this and you leave. No matter what she tries to make you stay, simply leave.

This only works if your mother can be trained, at her age I suspect not, plus you have been there for a long time doing as she wished.

securityguy

"As an only child, and now the next of kin, I cannot just walk away as she needs care"

Yeah, you can. Hard, but you can. She has sufficient money to look after herself and is mentally capable. She can refuse outside help because you pick up the pieces. Walk away and leave her to it.