Can't Cope with my 80 year old Mother any more

Mojisola

pauline - one of those posts that makes me wish I could press the "thanks" button more than once!

Well said!

Morglin

SlimmingSusan wrote: »

I don't helpin any way andam a massive dissapointment to her, she would say good riddance, I was not worthy of her

Only YOU can break free of it - I had my lightbulb moment at about age 15, and my mother never ruled my life again.

I did things my way, and never involved her in anything much.

But, as I said, she was a terrific granny to my kids, so I nodded and smiled for years - still never letting her control me.

The ironic thing is that when she had my brother, she made it clear he was her life, and he could do no wrong - yet, when she became ill, he, not me, turned away and he didn't do a thing to support or help her.....:whistle:

What goes around, comes around.

You are only a victim of other people's behaviour, if you choose to be. So don't allow yourself to be.

Lin

System

Don't forget your going to have resistance from family members when you finally stand up for yourself as they will have to take up where you left off. Ive been there and it wasn't/isn't pleasant.

margaretclare

I understand that some of your mothers issues may stem from the life she herself had. But there are people who have tough lives who wouldnt treat anyone like that, I know people who have gone through more than many people do in a lifetime who aren't toxic to other people.

I wish I had space to write you my own life-story, but in fact, I gained the values and the standards that I have, that I live by, from the people who brought me up.

My mum, who from the time I was 6 months old (she breast-fed me up to then) had to go out to work skivvying in other women's houses, doing heavy work in a farm dairy.

Her sister, my aunt, who learned to be a cook under the old 'upstairs-downstairs' system starting as a scullery-maid. She was a cook by the time she was 21 in 1926 but that year, she caught the polio virus and never walked again. All the years I knew her, her hands were never still. She sat on the floor by the fire-oven and cooked, baked, sewed, knitted, mended, you name it. Every stitch I had on was made by her. We never had shop-bought bread, cake, pastry, all food eaten was made by her. The fact that I could read by the time I went to school is down to her - we had few books but what we had, she read to me over and over again and I learned to read by repetition. The last few years of her life, after a stroke she was in a council home and had only the use of one arm out of all 4 limbs. The last thing she was doing the day she died was knitting vests for Ethiopian kids. She did it by putting one needle under her useless arm and knitting with the other one.

My grandad, who is said to have growled to my mother 'Get that bairn insured' when my granny died and he hadn't enough to pay for her funeral. He encouraged me to save and I got the savings habit from starting at school in the school savings-bank when the Battle of Britain was still raging.

My granny, herself illegitimate, although she 'invented' a bride's father's name for her marriage certificate. It was her decision to 'keep that bairn', not have me put into a home, as happened to a lot of b*stard kids then.

My great-grandmother Jane, I never knew her, but she had 5 children by different men and yet was well-respected in her small community, and also brought up her sister's child as her own. They were all clean, respectable and hard-working. And Christians.

Something has gone wrong in my own family, we were never used to be so unforgiving as has happened in recent years and especially since my younger daughter died. Life is just too damned short. You'd think others would realise that, having seen how unexpectedly, quickly and suddenly someone is gone.

I'm happily-married, however, and have step-children and step-grandchildren who love me.

margaretclare

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the thread. It's just that paulineb's words struck a nerve, a raw place if you like. I apologise.

SlimmingSusan

Don't apologise MargaretClare, it is so interesting to read of someone's life experience, and I have a massive respect for the elder generation, especially my dad's side of the family who all thought the world of me, if any were left I would not be where I am now. I think that point is very telling actually, I only got sick when I had none of that side of my family left. Writing life experiences down is very cathartic, in fact I was once somewhere where part of the therapy was writing your life story out. I think it needs to be done sometimes in order to make sense and to heal.

I'm also very raw but resolute today, and have allowed myself to lie in bed and read and indulge myself in that way, then will be onwards and upwards, a very rocky path ahead I am sure, but I will give myself permission to treat myself kindly.

If I hadn't had this thread for support over the last couple of days, when I have been literally at breaking point, goodness knows where I would be now. I weill be rereading often as I make my way into recovery, and will keep you all updated.

Yorkie1

It's hard to remember to be kind to yourself and to give yourself the time you need - well done for doing that this morning.

Good luck for the next few days and then beyond as they stretch further out.

SlimmingSusan

Thanks Yorkie, and everybody else on this thread, you have really made a difference, the storm is not over yet, but I feel a sense of calm at last.

No person is worth what I have gone through recently, particularly if you give and get nothing back.