I don't like my mother!

happyhaddock_2

I would be very grateful to get other peoples views on my situation. My mother is an alcoholic and a narcissist, I am nearly 50 now and have lived with this all my life.

I'm "lucky" as I'm the 'goldenchild'and have got off fairly lightly. Still neglected as a child but not had to put up with the vitriol and spitefulness that my poor younger sister has been subject to all her life,to the point that she has severe mental problems and has been having treatment all her life.

I am very lucky to have a very stable family life, married 25 years, 3 kids and this has helped me to be able to cope with my mum over the years. My father died last year and obviously this brought me, my sister and mum together. I felt sorry for her and softened somewhat, visiting every week taking her shopping and taking the kids to see her. Although this has been a big drain on me financially (i'm on a DMP) and emotionally. The kids had previously had very little contact with her as I didn't want to put them in a toxic environment, and it was her choosing as she would rather put her own needs first.

However, this year mum has started reverting to type. She divided me and my sister by playing one against the other, again being really nice to me whilst being truly awful to her, but telling me all the bad things she did so I'd take mum's side. I'm happy to say that after mum overstepped the mark a couple of months ago I got back in contact with my sister and have been able to regain our sisterly bond. I'm actually very angry, hurt and guilty that I allowed mum to do this to us.

So to my actual question. I don't feel as if I want to see her or have any contact with her but is this a really bad way to feel because Dad is no longer there and I feel a sense of duty. I feel like I could happily cease contact as she hasn't been there for much of my life but does that make me a bad person?.

If any one has any thoughts or has been through similar I'd love to hear from them. Oh and I have read the narcissism thread, could of written most of it

Many thanks for reading, sorry it's soooo long.

BitterAndTwisted

If your relationship with your mother does not enhance your life in any way and you are only in contact with her out of a sense of duty then just totally exclude her from it right away. There's no law which says we must love those who are not worthy of it. Toxicity should be cut out like a cancer.

crazyguy

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

If your relationship with your mother does not enhance your life in any way and you are only in contact with her out of a sense of duty then just totally exclude her from it right away. There's no law which says we must love those who are not worthy of it. Toxicity should be cut out like a cancer.

I agree totaly with this as I have been in a simular postion with family and found the best way to deal with them was to cut them out of my life completely, I can honestly say that for me it was the best thing I have ever done and now I am no longer having to be involved with all the stupid rows and squabbles over nothing.

Remember the saying you can pick your friends but not your family, if they are dragging you down make it clear that under no uncertain terms will you put up with it and that they have two choices either shape up or ship out.

MatyMoo

One of my Mum's favourite sayings was I love you but I don't always like you & it works both ways!

It is up to you if you want to cut off all contact or if you want to withdraw partially and maintain just phone contact or something so that you know she is well and safe.

I am pleased that you and your sister were able to get your relationship back as it sounds like she needs you more than your Mum does, you just need to keep talking and make sure that your Mum is not allowed to get in the way again.

doodoot

Simple, stay away.

If it was a friends acting like this, then you would cut them loose.

I personally don't believe that just because someone is a relative then that automatically constitutes having to put up with destructive behaviour.

My father chooses to blank me if we meet, and after 20 years of it I've come to terms with it.

(He chose his mistress over my mum, me and the rest of his family - she's extremely rich and he has a love of money, and she told him if he didn't cut us all off then she would kick him out).

At first I tried and tried to make contact and after my sons were born I sent him photos...he sent them back.

So now I wouldn't spit on him if he was on fire.

Blood may be thicker than water, but you need to drink water in order to survive...so cut her loose and live your life.

Kay_Peel

You have shown extraordinary dutifulness and devotion to your mother, despite being neglected as a child and despite her continuing bad behaviour. Long ago, you decided that your children would have minimal contact with their grandmother because of her spiteful, manipulative character - but you relented after the death of their grandfather. There is some guilt towards your estranged sister who has suffered a lifetime of poor mental health following her childhood experiences, while you have been the 'golden child'.

It's not surprising that you would prefer to cease contact and it's not abnormal. Her sickness made her a rotten mother and the damage that she caused has been truly devastating - and I don't just mean to your sister.

If I were you, I would return to the state of affairs before the death of your father - minimal contact from grandchildren, no shopping expeditions or visits. I would stop her in her tracks when she starts to drip, drip, drip her spiteful manipulative lies into your ear and play mind games with you. Give her short shrift.

If you cease contact completely she will blame your sister. If you have bare minimum contact (ie hardly any), in which you are aloof and unaffected by her attempts to drive a wedge between sisters, then this approach will send her a clear message. It also leaves you with no guilt whatsoever - and you could do without being made to feel guilty for being normal.

Good luck!

fluffnutter

Why are you in contact with your mother? What are you getting out of it? You must be getting some benefit (even if it's just to assuage a sense of guilt) or you wouldn't do it. So do a bit of soul searching and try to work out why you're honestly still in touch with someone who brings nothing but vitriol and misery to your life. Work through those reasons and you'll have the courage to cut her out of your life (which is what you need to do, frankly).

tanith

I have two daughters and a son in your position, they have been dealing with their alcoholic father for 20+ yrs since we divorced because of his drinking. Our son is in contact with his father online but lives abroad so is able to do this at a distance, one daughter has cut him out of her life and one who did remain close , she's collected him from many police stations and hospitals over the years but now even she has distanced herself having set up a care package for him with his local social services (he lives 70 miles away) and now she keeps phone contact and visits every 3mths or so but they are all happy with the choices they have made to keep him at a distance. They no longer want the drama of it all and the nastiness he breeds by tittle tattling one on the other... if it makes you unhappy then cut her off.

SailorSam

My Mum was such a pain to live with with, so fussy and could never be wrong . I grew up constantly having to bite my tongue to save having arguments.
But since she died i miss her everyday.

ChasingButterflies

happyhaddock wrote: »

does that make me a bad person?.

No! If you think it does then you will think I am really evil...

My experience(s) as follows:

My Grandmother: at 13 I came to the realisation that I had to stop the abuse I was suffering at the hands of her son (my uncle) One of the reasons for me staying quiet for so long was that I was scared that speaking up would upset her. However the thought of my younger cousin and what could happen to her kinda outweighed that. She knew I was telling the truth - however was not happy when I reported him to the police. She turned then as she felt she was in the position where she had to choose, her son or her grand-daughter. She said a lot of very nasty things and I haven't spoken to her for 18 years. It is difficult - she has 4 great-grandchildren who she will never know. My children are precious though, I couldn't risk their happiness or safety out of a sense of duty.

My Mother: is a gambler, and everything that goes along with it (lies etc) Our relationship had got to the point where it was seriously effecting my mental health and therefore impacting on my husband and our children. There are too many things to go into but I just could not cope with the constant lies/expectation that I would fix everything for her/emotional blackmail etc So earlier this year I broke contact. I am trying to figure out a way to re-establish contact without going back to the way things were - but I honestly don't know if this is a possibility.

To cap it all off: My parents divorced when I was 3/4, my Dad wanted full access and to look after me but my Mum got custody. He couldn't cope and from what I can gather thought it was better to cut all ties. He came back into my life just before my 13th birthday. I was so ashamed of myself (see grandmother section) I told him I didn't want to see him...

While I was pregnant with my 4th child, after realising exactly what my mother could be like and finally coming to terms with the fact that what happened to me as a child was not my fault. I tried finding him, however I wasn't fast enough. A couple of months later I was informed that he had died. In the end I did get to meet him, just not in the way I had hoped.

I know they say that "what doesn't kill you , makes you stronger" but sometimes I think you need to be a little selfish (for want of a better phrase) if someones actions are that bad the affect your health/wellbeing then sometimes you really do have little choice.

Wishing you all the best.

[Deleted User]

I would love to write a very nice post about how things were with my mother. However, I might as well be honest (and brutal). She was a b+*&^ and neglected me most of the time. A few years ago she pretty much told me to f@%& o*$ and so you know what I did. Never had any contact since and it is the best thing I ever did. Felt awful at the time, but you soon learn to forget any guilty feelings.

I have no sense of duty. She choose to have me and choose not to look after me when I was younger. Why should I then be expected to look after her now? When I was a child she was an adult and made an adult's choice how she wanted our relationship to be (me having to work after school and at weekends from the age of 13 to buy food and my school uniform etc). She now has to live with her choices.

I know reading my post it makes me sound bitter, but I am happy with the choice I made. I miss the idea of having a Mum I can call and chat too, but I do not miss my Mum - just the fantasy idea of what kind of Mum I would like.

Good luck.