Double Life

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

To keep both your daughter and husband in this limbo is unkind and confusing.

i dont mean to be unkind, i am really confused, after all i have been through, i dont know how to feel, i dont even know how to be unkind

i have asked him to go, to start making plans for the future now he has a new job, i have asked him to find a new place nearer his new job,

i think he is being unkind by not going

i will go if i have to, but i dont think i should have to, after all i did nothing wrong, i love the house we live in, and i will "sit him out" until it gets totally unbearable, and then if he is still there and wont go, i will,

pukkamum

Ok so you have asked him to go and he won't, clearly he thinks he can wear you down and eventually you'll say ok then it can all get back to normal.
In that case I would be having sperate beds, I would stop cooking cleaning washing etc for him.
You have told him you no longer want to be with him so he can either live in the house and you lead totally seperate lives or you move out.
You have to make a decision for your own sanity.

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

Ok so you have asked him to go and he won't, clearly he thinks he can wear you down and eventually you'll say ok then it can all get back to normal.

very true!!

if i put in any effort at all, i am sure it would work, because he really wants it to (so he says)

it is all very typical of affairs, man running around behind wifes back, man gets caught, man really wants it to work.... even tho he was the one who cheated in the first place... broke the vows... he insists he wants it to work.. i refuse to put any effort into it, as i dont want it to work as i dont even feel he even deserves another chance,

elsien

hanginginthere wrote: »

pukkamum wrote: »

if i put in any effort at all, i am sure it would work, because he really wants it to (so he says)

So to regain your trust he is willing to let you have unrestricted access to all his email, phone, facebook, social media etc? Have you checking up with his company his whereabouts whenever he's away from home? Get rid of any and all reminders of the other woman including clothes? Answer questions about what he's been doing without getting angry? And anything else that you need to do to reassure yourself that he's not cheating on you again?
Really?
Try suggesting it and I think you may find he's suddenly less keen to make it work after all.


(Two year midlife crisis, !!!!!!. Worst excuse I've heard in a while.)

hanginginthere

So to regain your trust he is willing to let you have unrestricted access to all his email, phone, facebook, social media etc?

i already have, and he changed his number since his affair was discovered.

Have you checking up with his company his whereabouts whenever he's away from home?

he no longer works there, as mentioned above, he now has a new job

Get rid of any and all reminders of the other woman including clothes?

they are all long gone, ie the clothes... but there are LOTS AND LOTS of reminders in my head, every morning i wake up is a reminder.

Answer questions about what he's been doing without getting angry? And anything else that you need to do to reassure yourself that he's not cheating on you again?
Really?

i am one million per cent sure he is not seeing anyone now, but that does not matter to me, not now.. it is what he has done previously


Try suggesting it and I think you may find he's suddenly less keen to make it work after all.


(Two year midlife crisis, !!!!!!. Worst excuse I've heard in a while.)[/QUOTE]

BWZN93

POPPYOSCAR wrote: »

Why does this seem so important to you? I do not get that. He had an affair, full stop.

She's trying to justify the betrayal in her head to make it seem less of an offence.

Ultimately, it's not that you can't leave him, something is holding you back, more than likely it's because you're scared of being alone. I know what it's like, I've been there before; I know my gut instinct is to walk out of the door when something isn't right but we can't help but look back and try and make it not so much of a problem so that we can live with it.

Ultimately, you have a 15 year old daughter, and I guarantee you that your actions now will shape her future. If she sees her mother stay with someone will lied and cheated and let him get away with it; she will subconsciously take this on as a lesson in life and allow others to treat her that way. I also guarantee this as the eldest daughter of a woman who had 3 divorces and terrible taste in men. What lessons do you think I learned from her? Yep, you're right. She was a bad role model.

I know my post sounds harsh, but too many people live these quiet lives of desperation without thinking or truly feeling and doing what's best for them in the long run even if it's the more painful option in the short term. You know there's only one answer here - you don't love him, so leave him, because one day it's going to be your last day on the earth and you don't want to look back and think of how much time you wasted when there's so little left.

Jo

poorlittlefish

I hate to say it, but being given access to someone's emails etc doesn't guarantee nothing can be going on. After finding out that my soon-to-be ex-husband was up to no good he volunteered access to his accounts. What I didn't know at the time was that he got around it by using other email addresses he'd not mentioned and setting up new profiles.

mysecretalias

I was that 15 year old daughter.

My father threatened suicide everytime my mother threatened to leave. It was all LIES. Eventually he 'attempted' suicide (the paramedics told us he knew full well he hadn't taken enough sleeping tablets to kill him, just to put him into a deep sleep in order to get some sympathy and maintain an image of having tried to top himself. They found the rest of the tablets he had supposedly taken, hidden underneath the bed). He made a huge big deal of it, leaving a suicide note at work with his chief executive who had to phone my mother in the end and tell her to get the police to the house, and leaving suicide notes for his 15 yr old daughter (me) and 11 and 12 yr old sons, just to make everything more dramatic and make my mother feel as guilty as possible. He was taken to the priory for a while and thankfully this gave my mother the final excuse she really needed to not let him come back. I wasn't upset that my father had done this. I didn't give a toss about him by this point after having seen everything he had put her through for so long. I was just upset that it had taken her so damn long to take some action.

RUN. If he won't leave the property and you've got no basis for making him leave, get out of there as fast as you can (if you both own the property make sure you put things in motion to demonstrate that you want the house sold so he can see you are serious), for the sake of your daughter if not for you. Move into a rubbish house in a rubbish area if you really must. It won't matter, because at least you'll be free of him. He has emotionally blackmailed and cheated you for far too long and now he seems to be getting away with it just because you prefer to sit on the fence and don't want the hassle of being the one to leave.

Once a pig always a pig. I'm sorry - but he didn't have a one night stand. He went to all the effort to maintain a double life for that long. He doesn't care for you one iota. Stop letting him feed off of you.

What happened to me as a result of my mothers inactions? My brother watched my father emotionally blackmailing my mother for so long without her standing him up to him, that my brother has now taken on his persona, and threatens suicide or violence every time she doesn't let him have his own way. Me? I've cut my whole family out because of it all, and the fact that my mother still continues to let my brother bully her as she did my father makes me sick. I know my situation is a little different to yours because mine involved a lot of violence too, but emotional blackmail is still emotional blackmail and it should not be put up with, and cheating never should either.

Your children will grow up making your mistakes and hating you for it unless you act in order to protect them. That's your job.

mysecretalias

poorlittlefish wrote: »

I hate to say it, but being given access to someone's emails etc doesn't guarantee nothing can be going on. After finding out that my soon-to-be ex-husband was up to no good he volunteered access to his accounts. What I didn't know at the time was that he got around it by using other email addresses he'd not mentioned and setting up new profiles.

Oh yeah. And also I suspect as he knows it might not be long before she wakes up to his little game and he loses her altogether, he's probably very much keeping his options open.

sallypalma

did exactly the same thing with threatening suicide every time I said I was leaving. He had signed up to numerous online sex sites and was meeting other women. The first time he did it I forgave him and he offered to let me monitor he emails, phone etc but when our daughter bought a new lap top he started secretly using that (while I was in bed or working) and awful as I felt I put a keylogger my daughter's laptop and within days of her getting it he was back on sex sites trying to pick up women. If your husband and done it once and got away with it he will do it again. When I told my ex I knew what he was doing he said he would kill himself if I told anyone (he was terrified of his Mother finding out), in the end he threatened suicide at the drop of a hat and I said "OK then, if you are going to do it, get on with it because I would prefer to be a widow than married to you". Once he realised he did not have suicide to threaten me with anymore he left !

I have never once regretted what I said to him, my only regret is that I stayed and put up with his games for so long. His life is his responsibility, he has ruined it, not you. You have a responsibility to yourself and your daughter to make a good life for both of you, don't let him blackmail you in to staying in a relationship that he does not care about. I have two children who were 15 and 19 when I left and it was hard to start again but we did and we are happier now that we ever were with him in our lives.