Double Life

MissMoneypenny

hanginginthere wrote: »

i know he is full of regret already,

Full of regret because he got careless and got caught; after years of getting away with cheating.

My friend's husband cheated on her at a works party and he told his partner about it because he couldn't take the guilt. Selfish of him I know, but that really is regret.

You're too good for that man. He is a user. Users' lie.

MissMoneypenny

hanginginthere wrote: »

as in balletshoes post, i do realise he didnt hate the other woman, my point was that i can not get my head around why it was a woman like she was,

You're overthinking it. He not only cheated on you; he carried out a double life and he cheated on her too. Perhaps he got a buzz out of it all? Not that "why" he did it is really relevant in this case.

The question you need to be asking yourself is: can you live with a lying; devious; calculating; emotional blackmailing cheater? Or not?

hanginginthere

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

You're overthinking it. He not only cheated on you; he carried out a double life and he cheated on her too.

i am totally overthinking it, guilty as charged.

as if knowing why would even make a difference at this stage!

very true, he did also cheat on her, tho she had been starting to ask him, are you married, are you leading some kind of double life etc.

i really dont know how to stop thinking about it, but i am sure that will come in time,

BitterAndTwisted

I think you should try not thinking about it and distract yourself with thoughts about how you can extricate yourself from this terrible mess.

Like telling him that you cannot forgive although you've tried and you will never forget. That it's over and he needs to pack and then sling his hook.

Action generally precludes too much thinking. You've thought. Now act.

ostrichnomore_2

hi OP.

Read my early posts. Not quite the same situation but my ex wanted my permission to set up a double life, alternately living with me and the other woman.

So I have some inkling as to how you are feeling, but I'm amazed you are so calm and jumping through his hoops. I was devastated. I loved him. But it was over the second it all came out. Still, I spent months and months agonising and analysing and wondering why and how. I still do, 18 months later, now and then. But you can't let these thoughts control your future. You no longer love, respect or want to be with him. Why hang about instead of getting on with your great new life?:

Despite my anger and feelings over what happened, I still look at ex sometimes and feel sad for what we lost. But we had what we had and that will never go away. What we lost was the future I'd planned with him. But he soured that, and he stopped it from ever being possible. So has your husband. What he did has stopped your love, and stopped that future. The future you are mourning for, cannot now ever happen. Nothing to do with you. It's just gone. Don't stay in the impossible hope it still can.

Go and make your own future. My life is brill now :T

Oh - and the tried to commit suicide thing. People don't try to. They either do or don't (sorry to sound a bit like Yoda), although they may or may not be successful. What he did wasn't a suicide attempt. If he'd jumped off, that would be a suicide attempt. All he did was go stand on a roof and phone you to blackmail you. Disgusting disgusting manipulative abusive behaviour. There was no serious intent there. It's just the way he chose to get his own way and make you do what he wanted.

[Deleted User]

MissMoneypenny wrote: »

You're overthinking it. He not only cheated on you; he carried out a double life and he cheated on her too. Perhaps he got a buzz out of it all? Not that "why" he did it is really relevant in this case.

The question you need to be asking yourself is: can you live with a lying; devious; calculating; emotional blackmailing cheater? Or not?

Not only is he all of those things you list, more worryingly he is someone who is happy to 'use' a woman who he knew was an alcoholic (the other lady). He was more than happy to take advantage of someone who is vulnerable and probably not very stable. Not a nice person at all.

Best wishes for the future,
sider

pukkamum

ostrichnomore wrote: »

hi OP.

Read my early posts. Not quite the same situation but my ex wanted my permission to set up a double life, alternately living with me and the other woman.

So I have some inkling as to how you are feeling, but I'm amazed you are so calm and jumping through his hoops. I was devastated. I loved him. But it was over the second it all came out. Still, I spent months and months agonising and analysing and wondering why and how. I still do, 18 months later, now and then. But you can't let these thoughts control your future. You no longer love, respect or want to be with him. Why hang about instead of getting on with your great new life?:

Despite my anger and feelings over what happened, I still look at ex sometimes and feel sad for what we lost. But we had what we had and that will never go
away. What we lost was the future I'd planned with him. But he soured that, and he stopped it from ever being possible. So has your husband. What he did has stopped your love, and stopped that future. The future you are mourning for,
cannot now ever happen. Nothing to do with you. It's just gone. Don't stay in the impossible hope it still can.

Go and make your own future. My life is brill now :T

Oh - and the tried to commit suicide thing. People don't try to. They either do or
don't (sorry to sound a bit like Yoda), although they may or may not be successful. What he did wasn't a suicide attempt. If he'd jumped off, that would be a suicide attempt. All he did was go stand on a roof and phone you to
blackmail you. Disgusting disgusting manipulative abusive behaviour. There was no serious intent there. It's just the way he chose to get his own way and make you do what he wanted.

Inspirational post.
sorry you've been through all that but so pleased it turned out so well for you.
Take heed op this is good advice x

repeatoffender

hanginginthere wrote: »

i really dont know how to stop thinking about it, but i am sure that will come in time,

I think this sentence sums it up - you can not let him go and hope that eventually you will forget about the whole sorry affair and life will return to normal and this period in time will be erased from your marriage. I expect that a lot of couples do this as the option of change is a scary one.

You say this woman is everything he hates and is so wrong for him - clearly not - he probably says she trapped him - how else could he want such a vulgar woman. But he did not end it with her until you found out - so for 2 years - he successfully deceived you. His lies go deeper than having sex with another woman - he must have deceived you financially as well as emotionally. Then to act all helpless and desperate and pretend to kill himself is just so low. He must have been scheming to lead a double life - he is playing the victim very well and sounds like a master manipulator.

I knew a family that this happened to. Husband was married with children and when the youngest left school he paid off the mortgage and left her. It was at this point she found out that he had led a double life for over 15 years and both her and her children were devastated.

He had another woman and children with his name who lived in a home jointly owned with him. The difference was that the other family knew about his wife and children and as he ran his own business he could hide money, time off etc. They only lived 6 miles away.

In 6 months your shock and anger has subsided and maybe the advice you really want is how can i forget this and love him again.

hanginginthere

thanks repeat offender,

no, he hasnt said she trapped him, he trapped himself, one lie 9i am single, i am not married, whatever way it was said) turned into a long standing affair., all his own doing.

thank god there are no children involved.

indeed he did fool me financially as well as everything else,
i am still shocked, even 6 months on, i am still very much.. did that happen, was that a dream.

but no, i do not want advice on loving him again, thats not on the agenda.
i tihnk in time, i may well meet someone else, someone who will make me forget.

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

thanks repeat offender,

no, he hasnt said she trapped him, he trapped himself, one lie 9i am single, i am not married, whatever way it was said) turned into a long standing affair., all his own doing.

thank god there are no children involved.

indeed he did fool me financially as well as everything else,
i am still shocked, even 6 months on, i am still very much.. did that happen, was that a dream.

but no, i do not want advice on loving him again, thats not on the agenda.
i tihnk in time, i may well meet someone else, someone who will make me forget.

I really think you are basically saying it is never going to work out and if this is the case you owe it to yourself, your daughter and to a certain extent your husband to call it a day now.
To keep both your daughter and husband in this limbo is unkind and confusing.
You are going to have to accept that it will be sad and upsetting to make the final cut but you can get through it, surely this half life you are living is exhausting, physically and mentally.
What exactly is stopping you, you say don't love him, that it will never work so what are you waiting for?
There isn't going to come a day when you wake up knowing you can leave him without pain, you just need to put coping strategies in place for when the pain hits.

My mum spent 5 yrs in a miserable marriage and it was the worse 5 years of all our lives.