Double Life

hanginginthere

hi

sorry, i hate this myself, so please dont slate me for it,

old member, new name, as i fear quite a few of you may recognise me.

i found out 6 months ago that my husband was, and had been, for 2 years leading a double life.

he had been working out of the country, but not as often as he would have me think. At times he was in the country working, but telling me he was working away from home. At this time he was living with another woman, who he told he was single and they had built somewhat of a life together, tho again, she was under the impression he was working away a lot more than he was,

in effect he was taking his "turn" at working away, but then when he was home with me, he was telling the other woman he was still at work, and vice versa.

i found out exactly 6 months ago, in that time i have gone through such a range of emotions,

initially we split up, but when it come to the final farewell, we just could not part. we decided to stay together, but now, 6 months on, i realise i am no longer in love with him.

while i do not hate him, i do hate what he has done to us, i do really like him, he makes me laugh, i know he is very sorry and he is doing everything he can to make things right

for me, it is too little too late i fear. i dont know what he could say or do to put things back to the way we were

anyone who knows us, just cannot fathom what he did, or why

we were so happy, got on so well, we have been described by some of our pals as the 2 halves of the same person.

the woman he had the affair with is what he would say himself is everything he hates in a woman... (she was a chain smoking, alcoholic, with many more traits i wont go into that made her so wrong for him)

i just cant get my head around the whole thing, nor can he.

i would really like to hear from anyone who has been through the same thing and either split up, or stayed together and come out better the other side.

initally we really did think we would be ok, had a holiday, etc. we just could not bear to be apart.

in the past 6 months we have tried to split up again twice, but each time we fall at the final hurdle.

while i dont think we will end up "til death do us part", at the moment, we cant bear to split up.

part of me does not feel he deserves another chance, not after all the lies, the cheating, how long the affair lasted for,

i know cheating, is cheating, but i feel if it was a one night stand, i may well be over it by now,

any one who has any advice, anything at all, that will help clear my confusion...

anyone who has been her before, can tell me what happened to them next.

any help or words of wisdom would be very much valued.

tia.

trolleyrun

I've not been in this position, so I'm not sure how to advise you I'm afraid. Something stood out for me in your post though, and that's the description of the other woman. Have you met her or is this her described by your husband? I wouldn't take his word for it, that's all.

I very much doubt if I could forgive such a betrayal, to be honest. Having an affair is one thing, but leading a double life for 2 years is something else altogether. I've been cheated on in the past, and I upped and left. If a fella hasn't enough respect for me to not sow his oats elsewhere then he doesn't deserve me.

I wish you all the best and I hope you find a solution that works for you.

victory

Did you find out yourself or did he admit it? Have you seen the other woman? She may not be as he says, what is he doing to make it better? Why did he do it in the first place? Will he do it again?

Prothet_of_Doom

I'll need to see a photo of the tin of custard to believe that.

I thought that the schools were back this week.

But if you are for real.

Leave him. He's not worth it. Have some self respect.

cllola

Hi

I have not been in your position but didnt want to read and run. Is he saying the relationship with this other woman is definitely over and he wants to make a go of it with you?

Are there children involved?

Personally if i were you i'm not sure i would ever be able to trust him again and as you say you dont love him any more. If it were me i would be ending the relationship, a marriage with no love or trust is not a marriage.

I hope things work out for you what ever you decide to do xx

hanginginthere

thanks everyone

and POD.. i am sorry to say, i am for real!!

i seen her, i went to her house, she is years older than me, and looks at least another 20 years older than that

i spent the day with her,

he has no explanation why he did it other than he feels it may have been some kind of midlife crises,

he changed his phone number, she lives miles away, and i am certain now that he has not seen her, nor heard from her for the 6 months.

i found a message on his phone, (we were on holiday at the time) i phoned the number but could not get through, i confronted him, he told me it was a one night stand (LIES!!)

unknown to me at the time, she had then told her pal that she got a call from his number, could hear a girl talking, and did not beleive he was away working (as he told her)

so when we got home from holidays, he said he had to go back to work the next day, (Saturday) on the Sunday morning, things were just not sitting right in my head, so i found his previous phone, charged it up, got her number out of it and rang her, asking was he there.

i went down, with all of his stuff, threw him out. but he did not stay there, he tried to commit suicide, i took him back, thought i loved him enough, but as time as gone on, i now know i am not IN love with him, but i dont wish him dead, and dont want him to come to any harm.

i just wish we could cross that final hurdle.

POPPYOSCAR

I cannot see the relevance of who the other women is, an affair is an affair no matter who it is with.

You are not in love with him, you are obviously unhappy, make a new life for yourself and leave him to get on with his.

thorsoak

hanginginthere wrote: »

hi

sorry, i hate this myself, so please dont slate me for it,

old member, new name, as i fear quite a few of you may recognise me.

i found out 6 months ago that my husband was, and had been, for 2 years leading a double life.

he had been working out of the country, but not as often as he would have me think. At times he was in the country working, but telling me he was working away from home. At this time he was living with another woman, who he told he was single and they had built somewhat of a life together, tho again, she was under the impression he was working away a lot more than he was,

in effect he was taking his "turn" at working away, but then when he was home with me, he was telling the other woman he was still at work, and vice versa.

i found out exactly 6 months ago, in that time i have gone through such a range of emotions,

initially we split up, but when it come to the final farewell, we just could not part. we decided to stay together, but now, 6 months on, i realise i am no longer in love with him.

while i do not hate him, i do hate what he has done to us, i do really like him, he makes me laugh, i know he is very sorry and he is doing everything he can to make things right

for me, it is too little too late i fear. i dont know what he could say or do to put things back to the way we were

anyone who knows us, just cannot fathom what he did, or why

we were so happy, got on so well, we have been described by some of our pals as the 2 halves of the same person.

the woman he had the affair with is what he would say himself is everything he hates in a woman... (she was a chain smoking, alcoholic, with many more traits i wont go into that made her so wrong for him)

Do you know this for a fact or is this what he has told you? What would make you believe him now?

i just cant get my head around the whole thing, nor can he.

You mean he doesn't know how to wriggle out of it.

i would really like to hear from anyone who has been through the same thing and either split up, or stayed together and come out better the other side.

initally we really did think we would be ok, had a holiday, etc. we just could not bear to be apart.

in the past 6 months we have tried to split up again twice, but each time we fall at the final hurdle.

while i dont think we will end up "til death do us part", at the moment, we cant bear to split up.

part of me does not feel he deserves another chance, not after all the lies, the cheating, how long the affair lasted for,

i know cheating, is cheating, but i feel if it was a one night stand, i may well be over it by now,

any one who has any advice, anything at all, that will help clear my confusion...

anyone who has been her before, can tell me what happened to them next.

any help or words of wisdom would be very much valued.

tia.

I know that I could not live with someone who had lived a lie for what - over six months? He deceived you - and the other woman - and quite honestly I don't think that I could ever trust him again.

He is a liar and a cheat - do you really want to spend your life with a liar and a cheat that you no longer love?

Don't waste your life - take a deep breath, and start living your own life again.

Prothet_of_Doom

hanginginthere wrote: »

thanks everyone

and POD.. i am sorry to say, i am for real!!



, he tried to commit suicide,

but i dont wish him dead, and dont want him to come to any harm.

.

In my experience, some men, go for that level emotional blackmail, but 99.99999% wouldn't actually do that, and you should use the threat as another reason to move on.

hanginginthere

Prothet_of_Doom wrote: »

In my experience, some men, go for that level emotional blackmail, but 99.99999% wouldn't actually do that, and you should use the threat as another reason to move on.

while i am not convinced he would have done it, i got a late night phone call from a roof-top and i was not willing to take the chance. we have one teenage daughter, the last thing i wanted was to be taking her to the graveyard.

hanginginthere

thorsoak wrote: »

I know that I could not live with someone who had lived a lie for what - over six months? He deceived you - and the other woman - and quite honestly I don't think that I could ever trust him again.

He is a liar and a cheat - do you really want to spend your life with a liar and a cheat that you no longer love?

Don't waste your life - take a deep breath, and start living your own life again.

thank you,

i dnt want to waste my life, i want to start living again, but it is easier said than done, i hae been with him for half my life.

i know the woman was everything he hated, because like i says, i met her, and spent the day with her.

no, i really dont want to spend the rest of my life with a liar and a cheat, but i am fnding it very hard to say that final goodbye... maybe i am soft in the head, too forgiving, etc.