Double Life

hanginginthere

i think i may not be angry any more because i have accepted that it is over and i would like to move on

i can see where your friend might be at, if i was wanting to stay, and make it work.. i think i might be angry forever.

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

]It also seems that understandably you are searching for a reason why, other than him being a cheating liar who had so little respect for you, your daughter and your relationship.
Had this woman been a rich supermodelesque type would it seem more acceptable?

if she was younger, better looking, nice house etc... i could see what he saw in her, but there was nothing, she looked older than his mum...
of course not he had an affair.
The who, why and where doesn't matter.
I wonder if part of you doesn't in some way find it an embarrassment that this is the type of person he was with.

i am really embarrassed, mortified.. that he done it at all,

I totally understand but I can guarantee that any embarrassment felt should be by him, you have done absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.
Nobody who matters will be thinking anything other than sorrow for you that you have gone through this.
If you cannot get past the embarrassment then yet again use that as a tool for staying strong, if you can't still be angry about the affair then feel anger about the embarrassment he has put you through.

I wonder if when you took him back you buried your feelings of hurt and anger in order to move on and that the only way to bury them was to completely stop feeling anything for him at all.

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

I totally understand but I can guarantee that any embarrassment felt should be by him, you have done absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.
Nobody who matters will be thinking anything other than sorrow for you that you have gone through this.
If you cannot get past the embarrassment then yet again use that as a tool for staying strong, if you can't still be angry about the affair then feel anger about the embarrassment he has put you through.

I wonder if when you took him back you buried your feelings of hurt and anger in order to move on and that the only way to bury them was to completely stop feeling anything for him at all.

he is also very embarrased... and rightly so.. he was very embarrased by the fact i seen her too.. and seen this so called "bit of rough"

looking back, when i took him back, the only way i can explain it now is... imagine someone you really loved.. and you heard they had died... and you would never see them again.. and it was going to be a closed coffin...etc...etc..

and then imagine hearing a few days later, it was all a mistake, they were alive and you could see them again..

thats how i felt,

but now.. i have had a chance to give it another go, and though i do really like him, i am not in love with him,.

i am glad i give him that 2nd chance, or else i always might have wondered what if i tried again, or would i have missed him etc.

whereas, now.. i know,.

pukkamum

Give yourself time and these reminders will get less and less.
However, give yourself time to mourn too, after all the life you had and the life you expected to live are gone and that is a shocking traumatic experience which ever way you look at it.
Even if you do make the break and even though you do realise you don't love him you can still mourn the loss of your previous life but do it in conjunction with positive thoughts about the future, you cannot change what happened but you can change how it impacts the rest of your life.

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

Give yourself time and these reminders will get less and less.
However, give yourself time to mourn too, after all the life you had and the life you expected to live are gone and that is a shocking traumatic experience which ever way you look at it.
Even if you do make the break and even though you do realise you don't love him you can still mourn the loss of your previous life but do it in conjunction with positive thoughts about the future, you cannot change what happened but you can change how it impacts the rest of your life.

i am very positive of the future... i always have been... there is no way in this world.. that i would have thought this.. or brought this on myself... i refuse to let what happened change the rest of my life, but i just dont know when it will happen, i dont know what is holding me back from the final step... i guess emotions and memories of the past

but i really need to be thinking of hopes for the future instead,

pukkamum

I completely get it hangininthere and you have totally done the right thing for you, you tried to make it work and it didn't work, you won't have to think 'what if I gave him a chance' you did.
If you do break up it will still be because of his affair, the fact you took him back and tried doesn't negate that fact.
You haven't just 'fallen out of love with him' he destroyed that love.

fivetide

hanging in there... do you wear a watch? Know how it feels if you forget to put it on? Like something important is missing.

It's not vital to you going on and enjoying a good life it is just that you are so used o it being there. I think that's the situation you are in now with your husband.

You don't need him. You don't love him but you've been together so long it is difficult to see how to go on without him. Basically, be brave, be strong and you'll be better for it.

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

I completely get it hangininthere and you have totally done the right thing for you, you tried to make it work and it didn't work, you won't have to think 'what if I gave him a chance' you did.
If you do break up it will still be because of his affair, the fact you took him back and tried doesn't negate that fact.
You haven't just 'fallen out of love with him' he destroyed that love.

one million per cent true, he took my heart, ripped it out, and broke it into a thousand bits.. over someone he claims he did not even like...

i said.. i hope to fkc you love her, because if you dont, that means you wrecked our lives for nothing.

the other thing is, he has also wrecked his own life, he will go a long way to meet someone who was as good to him as i was to himi, whereas... i am pretty sure, i would also go a long way, to find someone who treated me the way he did... someone who was as sneaky and devious!!

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

i am very positive of the future... i always have been... there is no way in this world.. that i would have thought this.. or brought this on myself... i refuse to let what happened change the rest of my life, but i just dont know when it will happen, i dont know what is holding me back from the final step... i guess emotions and memories of the past

but i really need to be thinking of hopes for the future instead,

You need to try and not anticipate the day you will stop feeling sad, just accept that day will come.
By waiting for the feelings to stop you are almost ensuring they won't stop because as I said before our brains can't distinguish between past and present emotions so every time you think about any trauma you immediately feel the same emotion you did then.
Having a goal can really help here, when we have a goal we are working toward and are fully committed to we feel happier.

This is a really good read its about what makes us happy.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/jacob-sokol-/things-happy-people-do_b_3869793.html?utm_hp_ref=fb&src=sp&comm_ref=false.

hanginginthere

fivetide wrote: »

hanging in there... do you wear a watch? Know how it feels if you forget to put it on? Like something important is missing.

It's not vital to you going on and enjoying a good life it is just that you are so used o it being there. I think that's the situation you are in now with your husband.

You don't need him. You don't love him but you've been together so long it is difficult to see how to go on without him. Basically, be brave, be strong and you'll be better for it.

i have been with him for half of my life now,
i want.. deserve.. a better future.

i wish i could go to bed, and then just wake up and it would be over, he would have moved on.

i have not totally ruled out leaving him, moving house, i love the house we are in, but he has tainted it too, so i am not totally opposed to leaving him, but i would rather not have to.