Double Life

pukkamum

My friends dad lived a double life for 25 yrs!
My friends wife found out when she was working at a doctors surgery, a young lad came in who looked just like her husband and had the same last name.
She asked him if he was a relative of her husband, he said he wasn't sure asked her husbands name and his dad's name thinking they may be cousins.
They both dismissed it thinking it may be a distant relative, the young lad went home and relayed said conversation to his mum, she did some digging and found out the truth.
Friends father had been with his mum for 10 yrs prior to the affair then 25 yrs leading a double life.
He had a whole other life with this woman, a house 3 kids etc!
I'm not in contact with them anymore but the last I heard my friends mum and dad were still together!

So this begs the question had you not found out how long would it have continued?

To me it sounds like she may have been his 'bit of rough' something many people find attractive, basically having his cake and eating it!

Toomuchdebt

My ex did exactly the same thing to me-he was working as a lorry driver and seeing us both. I found out In September last year and was gutted.Especially as we have 2 children together. Now he wants to come back(it's all over with the other woman) but there's no way I can ever trust him again.

hanginginthere

lostinrates wrote: »

I'm pretty sure if I found out my partner was living a double life I might want a drink. If I were a smoker I'd probably be chain smoking.

One day with someone under stress circumstances really is not an insight into who they are.

i spent the day with her family / friends.... they told me she was an alcoholic..

the fridge / cooker / kitchen was yellow from smoke,

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

My friends dad lived a double life for 25 yrs!
My friends wife found out when she was working at a doctors surgery, a young lad came in who looked just like her husband and had the same last name.
She asked him if he was a relative of her husband, he said he wasn't sure asked her husbands name and his dad's name thinking they may be cousins.
They both dismissed it thinking it may be a distant relative, the young lad went home and relayed said conversation to his mum, she did some digging and found out the truth.
Friends father had been with his mum for 10 yrs prior to the affair then 25 yrs leading a double life.
He had a whole other life with this woman, a house 3 kids etc!
I'm not in contact with them anymore but the last I heard my friends mum and dad were still together!

So this begs the question had you not found out how long would it have continued?

To me it sounds like she may have been his 'bit of rough' something many people find attractive, basically having his cake and eating it!

thank you,

if i had not found out, it may have gone on for manys a year,

there was no reason why i would have found out, we lived miles apart, nothing in common, etc.

in the 2 years they were together they split up a number of times, on a very regular basis, something we had not done in 20 years, also she beat him / hit him on a regular basis.

hanginginthere

Toomuchdebt wrote: »

My ex did exactly the same thing to me-he was working as a lorry driver and seeing us both. I found out In September last year and was gutted.Especially as we have 2 children together. Now he wants to come back(it's all over with the other woman) but there's no way I can ever trust him again.

has he been with her from Sept til now?

i am so sorry, i would not wish this on my worst enemy

do u think in time you could trust him again?

do you love him?

did you meet her?

thorsoak

If she was a chain smoker, with the house yellow with smoke - did he not reek of smoke when he came back to you?

What do her friends think of the situation - you obviously have had a lot to do with them?

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

i spent the day with her family / friends.... they told me she was an alcoholic..

the fridge / cooker / kitchen was yellow from smoke,

Perhaps this woman is actually his type but she doesn't fit with his lifestyle if you see what I mean.
However, all that is actually irrelevant, instead of fixating on her think about what he has done to you, for 2 yrs he has lied to yours and the other womans face daily, does that sound like a person you would even want to know let alone be in a relationship with.
You say you don't love him so make the break, the trouble is you get to the final point of splitting up but then I expect you naturally start to remember the past, the happy times etc and as our brain cannot distinguish between past and present emotions you feel at that point the same emotions you felt when you did love him.
I would suggest you split and have as little contact with him as you can whilst your brain catches up so to speak.

hanginginthere

If she was a chain smoker, with the house yellow with smoke - did he not reek of smoke when he came back to you?

he did, but he worked with smokers,

What do her friends think of the situation -

they were saying to her "didnt we tell u he was married" things like that

and "you didnt even have a proper relationship with him, he never took you anywhere, u never met his family, etc etc" not that any of that makes it better at all.

you obviously have had a lot to do with them?

i only spent that one day with them, i have not seen any of them since.

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hanginginthere

You say you don't love him so make the break, the trouble is you get to the final point of splitting up but then I expect you naturally start to remember the past, the happy times etc and as our brain cannot distinguish between past and present emotions you feel at that point the same emotions you felt when you did love him.


this is exactly right!! i think this is what is happening,

pukkamum

It also seems that understandably you are searching for a reason why, other than him being a cheating liar who had so little respect for you, your daughter and your relationship.
Had this woman been a rich supermodelesque type would it seem more acceptable?
of course not he had an affair.
The who, why and where doesn't matter.
I wonder if part of you doesn't in some way find it an embarrassment that this is the type of person he was with.