Double Life

Alias_Omega

Hello,

You lived without him being "here" when he was working "away", so you can live without him being "Here".

What happens next time he is working "away"?


It just sounds like your were together in your head, but in his head you were "friends with benefits + child"...

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

You say you don't love him so make the break, the trouble is you get to the final point of splitting up but then I expect you naturally start to remember the past, the happy times etc and as our brain cannot distinguish between past and present emotions you feel at that point the same emotions you felt when you did love him.


this is exactly right!! i think this is what is happening,

Then in that case get angry!
Anger, although not good if sustained, can get you through that hard part in splitting up.
Write down exactly what he has done to you, how it made you feel, how angry you are etc and if you wobble with making the break read it!

However I only advise this if you truly want to make the break and once you have done so put the anger behind you x x

hanginginthere

Alias_Omega wrote: »

Hello,

You lived without him being "here" when he was working "away", so you can live without him being "Here".

What happens next time he is working "away"?

he has a new job, its local now


It just sounds like your were together in your head, but in his head you were "friends with benefits + child"...

we were together 20 years,

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

Then in that case get angry!
Anger, although not good if sustained, can get you through that hard part in splitting up.
Write down exactly what he has done to you, how it made you feel, how angry you are etc and if you wobble with making the break read it!

However I only advise this if you truly want to make the break and once you have done so put the anger behind you x x

i have passed the angry stage,
i can talk about it without crying, so i think i have passed the sad stage too
i am sad when i think of how happy i was, how happy we made each other (as i thought)
all the good times we had,
but i am excited when i think of how it could be if i could just make that final break,

hanginginthere

]It also seems that understandably you are searching for a reason why, other than him being a cheating liar who had so little respect for you, your daughter and your relationship.
Had this woman been a rich supermodelesque type would it seem more acceptable?

if she was younger, better looking, nice house etc... i could see what he saw in her, but there was nothing, she looked older than his mum...
of course not he had an affair.
The who, why and where doesn't matter.
I wonder if part of you doesn't in some way find it an embarrassment that this is the type of person he was with.

i am really embarrassed, mortified.. that he done it at all,

pukkamum

Hanginginthere where do you see yourself in 5 yrs time, visualise 2 scenarios, the life with him and the life without him.
Be totally honest with yourself, think purely about yourself and your own needs, wants and feelings.
Don't bring thoughts of your daughter into it, she is 15, not long before she will be out in the world and her relationship with dad can easily continue.
Don't bring thoughts of how he feels into it, he lost his right to have his feelings considered the day he made the decision to have an affair and it was a decision he made without considering your feelings after all.
Suicide threats should never ever be a reason to stay with him, even if heaven forbid he did do it that again would be his decision, not yours.

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

i have passed the angry stage,
i can talk about it without crying, so i think i have passed the sad stage too
i am sad when i think of how happy i was, how happy we made each other (as i thought)
all the good times we had,
but i am excited when i think of how it could be if i could just make that final break,

Then hold onto the excitement of a new start, appreciate the memories for what they are, and put them to one side.
I find the fact that you no longer feel sad or angry is precisely because you are no longer in love with him, not because you have forgiven or forgot, if you truly loved him 6 months is a very short time to forgive and forget.
My friends hysband had an affair 8 yrs ago, they stayed together but she still has the odd feeling of anger about it.

Errata

He did it because he could and because he wanted to do it - it's that simple. He's a very accomplished liar and an emotional abuser by threatening to top himself if..... blah blah blah
You owe him nothing other than showing him out of the door.

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

Hanginginthere where do you see yourself in 5 yrs time, visualise 2 scenarios, the life with him and the life without him.
Be totally honest with yourself, think purely about yourself and your own needs, wants and feelings.
Don't bring thoughts of your daughter into it, she is 15, not long before she will be out in the world and her relationship with dad can easily continue.
Don't bring thoughts of how he feels into it, he lost his right to have his feelings considered the day he made the decision to have an affair and it was a decision he made without considering your feelings after all.
Suicide threats should never ever be a reason to stay with him, even if heaven forbid he did do it that again would be his decision, not yours.

being honest, i dont think he deserves another chance, when i think of how good i was to him, if i had kept my original username i know a lot of people would be very shocked,

i think i deserve to be happy, and i will not find true happiness with him again, i will always be worried.. what if... or there will always b a reminder...today is 6 months since i found out, then there will be his birthday, he spent it on holidays with me, but within a few days of coming back, he was parading around in clothes she bought him, then there will be a reminder of something else.. and something else

reminders of the times they were split up.. and how much time he then had with me cause his "work had changed"
in the 2 years they were together, they split of a number of times, ranging from periods of one night to 4 months,

i dont want to go on living with all these reminders, but i dont know if it would matter if he was there or not... even if he was not living with me... would there still be reminders.. or would they not be as vivid? who knows

all i do know is that i woudl not wish this on anyone.

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

I find the fact that you no longer feel sad or angry is precisely because you are no longer in love with him, not because you have forgiven or forgot, if you truly loved him 6 months is a very short time to forgive and forget.
My friends hysband had an affair 8 yrs ago, they stayed together but she still has the odd feeling of anger about it.

when i was angry it was just eating me up inside,

i could not eat or sleep, i packed up his stuff in a flash and threw him out, i was running on pure anger, i refused to let myself go on like that.

i have forgiven..
but not..maybe never will.. forget...