Double Life

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

one million per cent true, he took my heart, ripped it out, and broke it into a thousand bits.. over someone he claims he did not even like...

i said.. i hope to fkc you love her, because if you dont, that means you wrecked our lives for nothing.

the other thing is, he has also wrecked his own life, he will go a long way to meet someone who was as good to him as i was to himi, whereas... i am pretty sure, i would also go a long way, to find someone who treated me the way he did... someone who was as sneaky and devious!!

Then see this as a positive, clearly he was not the person you thought he was, he hasn't ruined your life, he has saved you from future misery and unhappiness by revealing his true colours and given you the chance to live a happy fulfilled life without him.

The only life ruined is his own and that was his choice, which of you will look back with regret?
Not you!

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

i have been with him for half of my life now,
i want.. deserve.. a better future.

i wish i could go to bed, and then just wake up and it would be over, he would have moved on.

i have not totally ruled out leaving him, moving house, i love the house we are in, but he has tainted it too, so i am not totally opposed to leaving him, but i would rather not have to.

That half of your life is done, nothing can change that and nor should you want it to, you have a lovely daughter, a lovely house, do not let what he has done taint that otherwise you are giving him power he does not deserve.

if you want to stay in the house then stay if you can, we hold memories in our minds not in bricks and mortar, I'm pretty sure that house holds lovely memories
too.
If you want him to leave tell him and take it from there.

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

Then see this as a positive, clearly he was not the person you thought he was, he hasn't ruined your life, he has saved you from future misery and unhappiness by revealing his true colours and given you the chance to live a happy fulfilled life without him.

The only life ruined is his own and that was his choice, which of you will look back with regret?
Not you!

very true, i know he is full of regret already, and that is when we were still together... so i think he has a sorrowful future ahead,

hanginginthere

the bottom line is, one of us HAS to go, we do not belong together anymore,

he is not the man i thought he was, or the man i married and wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

all he is now is that friend you pity because they are always fcking up..

i know a lot of men are more than capable of having affairs, but very few are capable of leading a double life, for such a long time. i forgive the unforgivable, i think my bit is done.

pukkamum

hanginginthere wrote: »

very true, i know he is full of regret already, and that is when we were still together... so i think he has a sorrowful future ahead,

Damn right he does, my dad did it to my mum and his 3 subsequent wives and is now living in a campervan in America on his own with virtually no contact with his kids. I get the odd letter from him bemoaning his lot and the women who wronged him, nothing to do with his affairs and behavior of course so don't ever expect him to reach that conclusion himself!
Both mum and I swing between feeling sorry for him and feeling tough s h I t e he chose that path himself, both feelings are appropriate.

hanginginthere

pukkamum wrote: »

Damn right he does, my dad did it to my mum and his 3 subsequent wives and is now living in a campervan in America on his own with virtually no contact with his kids. I get the odd letter from him bemoaning his lot and the women who wronged him, nothing to do with his affairs and behavior of course so don't ever expect him to reach that conclusion himself!
Both mum and I swing between feeling sorry for him and feeling tough s h I t e he chose that path himself, both feelings are appropriate.[/QUOTE]


i think this sums up exactly how i expect to feel.

toja

Sorry I did not have time to read all the responses.

But just from my own prospective – many times I thought my own marriage reached the end.
And it always was that final doubt that still kept us together (especially me thinking what else can I do to save it; he is not that bad; we need to stay together for the sake of kids, etc.). My friends always said that I have had a LOT of patience with him.

And here I am today where I am thinking of ending it again and this time something has changed in my mind. It has become irreversible. It is in my mind. I don’t want to try, or save, or mend it. I have had enough. I don’t want to go back to that hibernating thinking maybe he will come round. I want to live and enjoy life and be relaxed without thinking what else has he done.

If you cannot do it today – don’t do it. Wait for the right time for you. Wait until you know you are ready. Such time will come. Believe me.

marisco_2

Would you really feel much more alone without your husband than you already do now? It is frightening and takes real courage to end a long term relationship. If you come to a point where deep in your heart you know it’s over, have the courage to be the one to leave. You might find the pain of the relationship ending is not nearly so bad as the pain of it continuing. It can feel like a huge burden has been lifted, one you had no idea was so heavy until you got out from under it.

When I went through an awful time in my marriage, I made a conscious choice. I decided that I would rather be alone than in a relationship that caused so much pain and made me feel so bad. I didn’t want to have to fight so hard to be happy. I was too exhausted to put up with any more. So I made a promise to myself that if I was ever going to get in a relationship again, it had to be real. For real. No lies, no false hopes. Just love, respect, and honest effort, with a few laughs along the way.

That really is the key, find whatever it is that will make you happy, and is real. Do whatever it takes that makes you feel honestly good about yourself. It is your life to live. Don't live it with regrets.

hanginginthere

toja wrote: »

If you cannot do it today – don’t do it. Wait for the right time for you. Wait until you know you are ready. Such time will come. Believe me.

i am afraid the longer we stay together, the harded it will be, the more he will be thinking everything is ok, we can work it out, etc.

Errata

hanginginthere wrote: »

i am afraid the longer we stay together, the harded it will be, the more he will be thinking everything is ok, we can work it out, etc.

I think you're right, but the bottom line is that he has treated his wife - the mother of his children - and his children, with utter contempt. I can't see any way he can work his way back from that. Sometimes when the Rubicon has been crossed it's impossible to cross back to the other side.