Double Life

happy35

I haven't read the whole thread but from what I have read there is no way I could move on from this. I would find a sordid affair very hard to forgive and to be honest don't think I could forgive but actually leading a double life would be the ultimate betrayal IMO


The trust and respect would be gone and I would have to move on on my own. I know that some people find it easier to forgive but I don't I am not a very forgiving person


If you really don't think you can move on then it would be better to separate now for both you and your daughter. Don't be blackmailed into staying by your OHs threats, he is the one who did wrong and he cant expect everything to be alright. At the end of the day while you stay out of fear or guilt of what he might do you will never be happy

hanginginthere

thanks fior the advice everyone,

he does not have a laptop, nor would he know how to use one. His emails and FB are via his mobile phone only, and he would not know how to access them any other way...

all of his contact with this woman was in person, via a phone call, or via text.

he has very few FB friends, all are family and i know them.

he does not know how to send an email either, he is very backward when it comes to techno things,

it does not really matter to me what he would be doing now anyways, it is what he done in the past i have the problem with.

with him working unsocial hours this week i have managed to talk him around to going and staying with his mother for a few nights, so that will help the situation.

i am a forgiving person, and i have forgive him, i just cant forget what he done, nor do i think i ever will.

jetplane

With respect have you forgiven him because you seem to be making excuses for him. Have you forgiven him for all of the following and more?

Lying to you on a huge scale. Deceiving you over money. Letting you think he was out of the country when he wasn't. Having sex with another woman. Putting you at risk of STD. Depriving you of time you could have had together. Leaving you to cope on your own when he could have supported you. Emotionally blackmailing you. Threatening to kill himself. Not giving you the freedom to leave. Not considering your child. The list is endless and he did not do this once, twice or three times, he did it repeatedly for 2 years.

I think you may have felt it cathartic to type it out but when you forgive someone you are free, with peace of mind, no anger or negativity and no doubt.

I think you may have decided you are staying with him and are struggling to justify your decision but perhaps forgiveness is a long way off.

hanginginthere

no, i have forgiven him,

i have put the whole episode into a "box" and classed it as one action, one sin, etc, and i have forgiven him for that,

and i have def NOT decided that i am staying with him,

i am no longer angry with him, that has faded over the 6 months, i dont hate him, i just hate what he has done, but i am not in love with him, but i can tolerate him, seeing him here and there, now and again, eg before or after work for an hour or so is not bothering me,

which is prob why it is so hard to make that final break from him.

jetplane

Well you're a better woman than me .... it would need to be a big box to contain that depth of dishonesty for me .... 6' 6" maybe. Do consider how the threats and atmosphere may affect your daughter though as it can't have been easy for her over the last 6 months. At least you have some choice in the matter, she doesn't and may not feel so forgiving.

Good luck.

fed_up_and_stressed

I'm sorry if this has been said before in the thread ...i've not read it all.

But get yourself an sti check ...please x

hanginginthere

jetplane wrote: »

Well you're a better woman than me .... it would need to be a big box to contain that depth of dishonesty for me .... 6' 6" maybe. Do consider how the threats and atmosphere may affect your daughter though as it can't have been easy for her over the last 6 months. At least you have some choice in the matter, she doesn't and may not feel so forgiving.

Good luck.

Although i am not a religious fanatic, i was brought up RC and do still practice, so forgiveness is very much within me.

there really is no amosphere, honestly, we are good friends, like i said before he is like my best friend, only he stabbed me in the back in a way you would never hope any friend would,

with his work / my work / school / daughters (hectic) social life / sleepovers / staying with GP's / football practice / its very rare for all 3 of us to be in the house at the same time, for any lenght of time,

how i see it now, is that we are room mates, who are nearing the end of their tenancy,

bitterness and nastiness will not change the past, he done it, he ruined what "could have been", the happy ever after, the til death do us part, etc,

and as far as i am concerned, that is the worst punishment that he can be dealt, and he knows it.

hanginginthere

just an update,

over the past few months we have been to the GUM clinic and got the "all clear"

we have also been to counselling and thought it was one of the hardest things i have ever gone through, it was very good, cleansing, helpful... i just cant say how helpful i found it

myself and my husband are still together, albeit i am not in love with him,

i am really fond of him, i enjoy his company and i seen all different depths of him during counselling,

i am not sure what will happen long term, but for the here and now i am just grateful to still be living, breathing, happy(ish), working, doing things that some people are fighting to have,

while i might learn to live with what he done, i am not sure i will ever get over it,

while i have forgiven him, i am not sure i will ever forget,

but i will get through this mess, one way, or the other,

1trainer1

I have not posted in this thread before but reading this story reminded me of a friend at school many years ago.

Her father had a whole other family and she found out in high school when she was 14 as both girls went to the same school lived in the same area and found out because they had a class together once.

anyway long story short, the father had two women and was married to one and the other was married religously but not legally so both women were married.

when they found out they confronted him together with all the children (seven in total I think) and he admitted everything and them went to work and never came back in contact with both families again.

Both families are friends and the women let their kids go to each others houses as it is not the childrens fault of the situation but the man has left never to return

Primrose

I haven't yet read read to the end of this thread but I am not surprised at your distress and confusion. I thin you need some space on your own to think all this through without the distraction of his presence. Could you ask him to move out for three months with no contact so that you can think all this through with no distractions?