Double Life

pollypenny

Good on you, OP.

All the best for the future.

going_nowhere_fast

Please forgive me but i havent time to read all of the thread yet but felt the need to reply. I gather from your last posts that you left your husband?

I too experienced the utter shock of finding out a long term partner (of years and years and years) was living a double life and when they were working away they were in fact away a lot less than i thought, the rest of the time was spent wirh their other family.

Forgive me for being so blunt but i could relate very much to your first post but years down the line from this hapening to me i cringed when reading it because what stood out the most was that you were a victim and totally deluded.

The other woman wasnot what he disliked in a woman, if that was the case he would not have been seeing her for two years. He was telling you what you want to hear and you were surprised because his partner was so unlike you.

I doubt he is sorry for what he did and is more likely sorry he got caught/his secret came out.

He does not respect you at all. He does not love you at all. He does not care about you or the life you had built together at all. Those comments are very hurtful (i know from personal experience) but they are true and you have to truely accept these facts in order to move on with your life and 'get over it'.

You have told yourself he is sorry etc because it is what you want to believe and he is telling you what he knew you wanted to hear.

The man is untrustworthy, has no respect fir you and does not love you. You are worth more than that. Your life is worth more than that.

Your experience although not common is not unique, others have experienced similar and have overcome the hurt to live happy lives. Right now your self esteem and confidence will be damaged but they will heal as you stop trying to understand or explain his actions. Excuses (or if you are in denial you will call them reasons) do not change what has happened or the consequences so as hard as it is (and i struggled with this bit) let go of the need to understand why. It is so liberating when you get to this point.

It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that your relationship meant nothing/so little to him but again it is liberating when you reach the point when you accept this and think so what, it just demonstrates his lack of moral compass.

I do not hate the ex partned who did this to me (and their double life went on far longer than two years ouch - and even involved people covering up for him so i would not find out - double ouch!). I do not waste a moment of life wondering why. He is simply irrelivent to me or my life. The biggest struggle has been my self confidence/self esteem which has still not fully recovered if im honest but has improved and i will succeed with this eventually.

Im sorry if my post is too blunt but it saddens me reading things like 'we cannot bear to part' and 'he is sorry' etc because i know these are nothing more than you hurting and wanting to fix things. Some things cannot be fixed and leading a double life is one of them.

On a brighter note i am proof that you can feel happy again, can trust again. Treat yourself with the respect and kindness he lacks and enjoy your life. You DESERVE love, kindness, respect, consideration. You DESERVE happiness.

Sorry a quick after thought what i learnt is the sorry and regret they feel is for how their actions have affected them not you. During weak moments it is wise remembering that.

going_nowhere_fast

hanginginthere wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread, but its just to up date now I feel ready

I told my husband to leave 9 months ago now, and I am now really looking forward to my first full year without him

I did just spend my first Christmas and New year, in 20 years, alone but not lonely. I am better off without him, I know that now, well I knew that before but just could not make the break

I am now looking forward to fulfilling my new years resolution list, this is my year, I plan on going on a date (not seeing anyone, but I have promised myself I will go on a date)
Travel to a place I have never been before,
Read more
Not dwell on the past, not torture myself looking for answers,
Put the past behind me
This is my year ��

I do not know you but i am so proud of you!!

I am several years along than you and am happy. Must admit have not braved a date but would love to hear how yours goes.

Wishing you a very happy and fulfulling 2016!

Skintmama

Good luck Hanginginthere, I hope you have a great 2016!

I had a similar situation over a period of a year. It took me almost another year to make the final break - I have never once regretted the decision.

It was difficult starting again but worked out really well quite quickly. The biggest gain was the return of my self respect and the sense of empowerment that this gave me.

You have been brave. Well done. Now you can enjoy tackling everything on your list xx

System

I want to wish you a wonderful 2016 and much happiness in your new life!
All the best,
L x

Wilma33

Well done! You are soooo much better off without him. Make sure you never take him back! Have a brilliant 2016.

hanginginthere

Thanks everyone,

I will never take him back, I would never trust him again, it got to the stage that even the sound of his phone annoyed me, and if he turned it off, that also annoyed me, as it would be turned off regularly to allow him to conduct his affair

It then got to the stage that even the sound of him breathing annoyed me, I no longer wanted to be around him.

Thank you going nowhere fast, a lot of wise words there, when I say a lot of things he didn't like in a woman, I mean things he never would have found attractive, eg smoking, he detests smoking, she was a chain smoker, I mean things like that, all of which is neither here nor there now, he did it, kept doing it, and it cant be undone

I can move on and find peace again, something that I doubt he ever will

I am happy now, I doubt he is

He no longer was adding anything to my life, I made a list which was meant to he all his good points and bad, but there was nothing good to write on it.

I know I did the right the right thing, I'm just sorry I did not do it sooner!

Maureen43

hanginginthere wrote: »

hi

sorry, i hate this myself, so please dont slate me for it,

old member, new name, as i fear quite a few of you may recognise me.

i found out 6 months ago that my husband was, and had been, for 2 years leading a double life.

he had been working out of the country, but not as often as he would have me think. At times he was in the country working, but telling me he was working away from home. At this time he was living with another woman, who he told he was single and they had built somewhat of a life together, tho again, she was under the impression he was working away a lot more than he was,

in effect he was taking his "turn" at working away, but then when he was home with me, he was telling the other woman he was still at work, and vice versa.

i found out exactly 6 months ago, in that time i have gone through such a range of emotions,

initially we split up, but when it come to the final farewell, we just could not part. we decided to stay together, but now, 6 months on, i realise i am no longer in love with him.

while i do not hate him, i do hate what he has done to us, i do really like him, he makes me laugh, i know he is very sorry and he is doing everything he can to make things right

for me, it is too little too late i fear. i dont know what he could say or do to put things back to the way we were

anyone who knows us, just cannot fathom what he did, or why

we were so happy, got on so well, we have been described by some of our pals as the 2 halves of the same person.

the woman he had the affair with is what he would say himself is everything he hates in a woman... (she was a chain smoking, alcoholic, with many more traits i wont go into that made her so wrong for him)

i just cant get my head around the whole thing, nor can he.

i would really like to hear from anyone who has been through the same thing and either split up, or stayed together and come out better the other side.

initally we really did think we would be ok, had a holiday, etc. we just could not bear to be apart.

in the past 6 months we have tried to split up again twice, but each time we fall at the final hurdle.

while i dont think we will end up "til death do us part", at the moment, we cant bear to split up.

part of me does not feel he deserves another chance, not after all the lies, the cheating, how long the affair lasted for,

i know cheating, is cheating, but i feel if it was a one night stand, i may well be over it by now,

any one who has any advice, anything at all, that will help clear my confusion...

anyone who has been her before, can tell me what happened to them next.

any help or words of wisdom would be very much valued.

tia.

I have been on the receiving end of this kind of betrayal and can fully understand your confusion and hurt.

I divorced my husband and find myself much happier now. Things aren't perfect but I would not choose to return to what I had then.

The main issue for me was trust. I simply could never trust him again.

I wouldn't usually offer an opinion as every case is different but as you have asked.....I don't think he will change and I don't think you will ever feel about him as you once did.

loveka

I just read your story, you have done so well.

I really do wish you a happy life!

My mum went through a similar thing- my dad was working away and living with another woman. My mum stayed with him, and had the most miserable life. She hated the sight of him, but stayed 'for the children'. It was another 15 years before he has another affair, but after that he always had a mistress. He never changed, and she never loved him. What a miserable existence they had.

I am so glad you found the strength to get out. Did you get to stay in your house?

hanginginthere

Thanks again everyone,

I did stay in the house - private rent - and I asked him to go,

I feel such a sense of freedom now, whereas when he was here, and I was seeing him everyday, I was so miserable looking back on it now, and I was never going to feel the same way about him again,

I was head over heels, adored him, and now I wonder what I ever saw in him.

As mentioned above, it's not perfect, but I will never have him back. It was the most painful experience imaginable, and the pain of a broken heart does actually, physically hurt.

But I have come through it, and I'm determined to end up in a much better place,

I could not have imagined living without him, now I would never take him back.

I would never trust him again, and apart from that, the level of betrayal involved was just off the scale.

Thank you everyone for all the comments, its so helpful to know that others have also come out the other side