Double Life

x-Princess-Vikki-x

hanginginthere wrote: »

Sorry to resurrect an old thread, but its just to up date now I feel ready

I told my husband to leave 9 months ago now, and I am now really looking forward to my first full year without him

I did just spend my first Christmas and New year, in 20 years, alone but not lonely. I am better off without him, I know that now, well I knew that before but just could not make the break

I am now looking forward to fulfilling my new years resolution list, this is my year, I plan on going on a date (not seeing anyone, but I have promised myself I will go on a date)
Travel to a place I have never been before,
Read more
Not dwell on the past, not torture myself looking for answers,
Put the past behind me
This is my year ��

I wish you lots and lots of luck and hugs :T xx

hanginginthere

Thank you,

I won't pretend that it's easy, in fact I cried my beads out earlier, and I don't even know why, because when I think about it, what did I actually loss... A lying, cheating husband,

I need to focus on what I gained, my freedom, my life back.

I will get there, I need to put this behind me, maybe move house or something, but one day at a time!

duchy

I once discovered my boyfriend of over a year was still seeing one ex girlfriend and staying part the week with another and she thought he was living with her. He had children with them both .....and the strings of lies to keep this stupid situation going was mind boggling. He'd also discussed marriage with me !! Not sure whre he thought that was going to fit in !!

The thing that baffled me was -why bother? If you have so many lies going on then you can't totally relax with either woman in case you slip up and say the wrong thing to the wrong woman.

With hindsight I think men who do this are afraid of emotional closeness and the only thing you can do is leave them as they are damaged and can't actually have a proper relationship and a second relationship keeps the women at arms length in their head whilst they pretend to the women to be a real partner.

I hope 2016 brings you all kinds of good things are you move forward.

Mojisola

hanginginthere wrote: »

I won't pretend that it's easy, in fact I cried my beads out earlier, and I don't even know why, because when I think about it, what did I actually loss... A lying, cheating husband

What you lost was the life you thought you had before you realised what he was like - it's perfectly reasonable to grieve about that loss.

Moving on is rarely steady up-hill progress - there will be times when it just all hits you and it can be just little things that set it off but overall your life will get better. Hang in there!

hanginginthere

That's very true, sometimes it is seeing a photo of us together, a song, a film, anything like that.

But every day is progress of some sort.

That's exactly what he was like, he was always uptight, on edge, like a time bomb just waiting to explode! He could never relax, obviously he was constantly worried about saying the wrong thing.

I agree, what was the point, there was nothing gained from it, he's now living alone, miserable, lost loads of weight, etc.
I do firmly believe that I am going to come out better in all this!

piglet74

Well done you, I was hunting for your thread to show my pal, she's still with her husband, and really does not love him at all, has no respect for him and most certainly does not trust him.

I want to show her that this could be her, her life would be better without him, but I will support her regardless!

I really do hope that 2016 brings you everything that you wish for xxx

Starrystarrynight1

I'm so glad that you came back to let us know how things have changed for you, hanginginthere. I imagine it must still be tough at times, but you know you've made the right decision for you. Sending very best wishes for the future!

hanginginthere

Thank you. Yes, you are right, its not easy at times, but it was hard before hand, living with someone I did not love or respect,
Just like piglet74 says above, please show it to your friend and update on her reaction etc

It doesn't matter how bad a day I have now, I know this is for the best and things will get better, whereas the two years previously... It never got better, I was just existing, not living.

Onwards and upwards, thanks everyone

hanginginthere

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

Please forgive me but i havent time to read all of the thread yet but felt the need to reply. I gather from your last posts that you left your husband?

I too experienced the utter shock of finding out a long term partner (of years and years and years) was living a double life and when they were working away they were in fact away a lot less than i thought, the rest of the time was spent wirh their other family.

Forgive me for being so blunt but i could relate very much to your first post but years down the line from this hapening to me i cringed when reading it because what stood out the most was that you were a victim and totally deluded.

The other woman wasnot what he disliked in a woman, if that was the case he would not have been seeing her for two years. He was telling you what you want to hear and you were surprised because his partner was so unlike you.

I doubt he is sorry for what he did and is more likely sorry he got caught/his secret came out.

He does not respect you at all. He does not love you at all. He does not care about you or the life you had built together at all. Those comments are very hurtful (i know from personal experience) but they are true and you have to truely accept these facts in order to move on with your life and 'get over it'.

You have told yourself he is sorry etc because it is what you want to believe and he is telling you what he knew you wanted to hear.

The man is untrustworthy, has no respect fir you and does not love you. You are worth more than that. Your life is worth more than that.

Your experience although not common is not unique, others have experienced similar and have overcome the hurt to live happy lives. Right now your self esteem and confidence will be damaged but they will heal as you stop trying to understand or explain his actions. Excuses (or if you are in denial you will call them reasons) do not change what has happened or the consequences so as hard as it is (and i struggled with this bit) let go of the need to understand why. It is so liberating when you get to this point.

It is very hard to come to terms with the fact that your relationship meant nothing/so little to him but again it is liberating when you reach the point when you accept this and think so what, it just demonstrates his lack of moral compass.

I do not hate the ex partned who did this to me (and their double life went on far longer than two years ouch - and even involved people covering up for him so i would not find out - double ouch!). I do not waste a moment of life wondering why. He is simply irrelivent to me or my life. The biggest struggle has been my self confidence/self esteem which has still not fully recovered if im honest but has improved and i will succeed with this eventually.

Im sorry if my post is too blunt but it saddens me reading things like 'we cannot bear to part' and 'he is sorry' etc because i know these are nothing more than you hurting and wanting to fix things. Some things cannot be fixed and leading a double life is one of them.

On a brighter note i am proof that you can feel happy again, can trust again. Treat yourself with the respect and kindness he lacks and enjoy your life. You DESERVE love, kindness, respect, consideration. You DESERVE happiness.

Sorry a quick after thought what i learnt is the sorry and regret they feel is for how their actions have affected them not you. During weak moments it is wise remembering that.

Your right, this is very blunt and harsh! And some of it totally untrue and its obvious you did not read the whole thread when you did reply.

You have said that you are proof that you can be happy again, well I beg to differ, because from reading through some of your posts and threads, you most certainly do not come across as happy. You have a recent thread regarding losing friends, but from reading some of your posts, which are pure doom and gloom, you don't strike me as someone who is happy. Maybe this is the real reason why you are losing friends.

BigAunty

going_nowhere_fast wrote: »

The other woman wasnot what he disliked in a woman, if that was the case he would not have been seeing her for two years. He was telling you what you want to hear and you were surprised because his partner was so unlike you.

.

My take on the 'other woman' is that he intentionally targetted a vulnerable lady, in this case an alcoholic, so they would be easier to manipulate and more likely to accept his behaviour, which is unpalatable to most people.

Someone with greater confidence, higher esteem, more self worth and a greater opportunity to find a reliable partner would not have 'made do' with his paltry offering.

So it's not that he fancied a change, just that he had few opportunities to cheat with a person more like the OP who is a sorted, mature person without social/health issues and has a strong moral compass.

Men in abusive relationships (not saying it is the case here) deliberately target women with vulnerabilities. He would have found her easier to exploit - most people would avoid starting a relationship with an addict and this addict probably appreciated his financial contributions, perhaps ended up being a bit dependent on him (to his advantage as well as hers).

EDIT - The only other thing that I can think that may have led him to pursue infidelity with that woman is some kind of 'manly' gesture where he got to be a knight in shining armour and take care of that wounded lady.

I knew someone who seemed to resent being the partner of an affluent, educated, highly independent businesswoman - he held a low status job and was critical of her appearance, spending, close relationship with her family. He seemed to act quite disrespectfully to her, was quite miserly and anti social with her friends and family. His next relationship was with a disabled woman and he apparently thrived with her, was respectful, was generous, made friends with her family and friends. I wonder whether he felt emasculated with his ex whereas with his partner (low income, disabled), he could be the dominant partner, feel as if he was a gentleman.