If I don't move, he will leave me....

paulineb_2

FBaby wrote: »

Unless it is a case of 'we've discussed this for sometime, how much I hate being in London and hope we can move out when I retire and you never said no but now that the time has come, you are refusing to consider it, and it is living me very sad that I am agreed to live for years somewhere I don't like yet you are not prepared to do the same, so I don't know where this leaves us'.

I think this kind of situation is the type to be a case of different perception.

I still wouldnt give someone an ultimatum of go where I want to be or Im leaving you, because even in the end if you do work it out and reach a compromise, it cant be unsaid.

Id feel terribly resentful if someone put that on me. It would have been much better if he hadnt said that.

Of course they both have to compromise, but I wonder how much love there is in a marriage when someone can contemplate ending it because they dont like the area they live in. And leaving the kids as well, not just the mum.

Spirit_2

What you currently have fits with you both working and he has 'moved' more towards your current infrastructure. That must have been a point of discussion and change in the past. That he wants to make a plan that takes his impending retirement and interests into account in the longer term sounds fair and reasonable. Life events bring change.

When your OH retires there will be a parent there to support after school activities and your potential commute does not sound excessive .

From your post you have both taken opposing positions on this.

What are the common interests?

What would have to happen for you to think about this with an open mind?

springdreams

paulineb wrote: »

I dont see much compromise in an ultimatum of the do as I wish or Im leaving you.

It isn't a compromise (it does give the OP choices though). However, it only seems that the OP has started considering a move to somewhere other than the area that they currently live in after starting this thread and reading the opinions of those that have posted on it.

From her posts it seems that the OP was not prepared to compromise either - she did not want to move even though her OH was unhappy - it seems that it is only when she was given the ultimatum that she started to take her OH's wishes more seriously.

The OP's OH may be more willing to compromise once he sees that she is also prepared to do so.

Mojisola

paulineb wrote: »

Of course they both have to compromise, but I wonder how much love there is in a marriage when someone can contemplate ending it because they dont like the area they live in. And leaving the kids as well, not just the mum.

I found it difficult to understand a parent who could say that he would walk away from his little children if the family didn't move to where he wanted to live.

It doesn't point to a happy, committed relationship.

InsideInsurance

Well it appears there has been some compromise as he actually wants to go to somerset etc but has compromised to the home counties.

I do agree with everyone else, the kids are an absolute non-starter unless you've paid a massive premium to get them into the top state school in the country etc. Assuming its a standard good school then there will be other good schools elsewhere and its not as if he is dictating a single town.

Many people get sick of London and get attracted to how much further their money will go outside of london, especially as they near retirement when their income is going to go down significantly.

It is one of those things of going out with a significantly older person that your priorities/ stages in life wont always stay aligned (not that same aged people always do either).

You really should at least give it enough of a chance to do some research of places within a reasonable commute, decent enough late night connections on trains if you are a party animal etc then go spend a little time in the short list to see how you like the feel of the places etc.

Spirit_2

Mojisola wrote: »

I found it difficult to understand a parent who could say that he would walk away from his little children if the family didn't move to where he wanted to live.

It doesn't point to a happy, committed relationship.

It sounds uncomfortable . He would be a stay at home parent at that point - which may mean he is best placed for the children to be usually resident with him .

Mojisola

freeisgood wrote: »

He said it is not a threat, as I can stay in London with the kids if I so wish.

Spirit wrote: »

It sounds uncomfortable . He would be a stay at home parent at that point - which may mean he is best placed for the children to be usually resident with him .

It doesn't sound as if that's his intention.

free also says in another post that he hasn't been a very hands-on Dad and wouldn't want do the work of a house husband/SAHD.

lostinrates

Mojisola wrote: »

I found it difficult to understand a parent who could say that he would walk away from his little children if the family didn't move to where he wanted to live.

It doesn't point to a happy, committed relationship.

I feel very strongly that marriage /relationships are between the two (or however many!) adults involved, Not the children.


If the relationship breaks down its not the children's fault, nor should they be used as weapons or leverage to strengthen the refusal of one persons side to budge. Its as heinous as shouting in front of them. There is no doubt , I agree, that relationship breakdown can hideously, hideously impact on children an,d the family unit beyond the two in the relationship, that's NOT what I am saying before anyone miss interprets that, but its not fair on children to be used as weapons in a battle of relationship,


Of course, If there is an impasse in the relationship and one leaves perhaps shared custody is an option, or as he will be retired he could be the parent with residence? Edit, on reading, see your point. Also see he OS compromising on location for the family......so he probably feels like he is compromising already?

FBaby

I still wouldnt give someone an ultimatum of go where I want to be or Im leaving you, because even in the end if you do work it out and reach a compromise, it cant be unsaid.

I guess we have a different perception of what an ultimatum is. For me, it is when someone makes a threat to go ahead with something they never really intend to do just so that they can get their way. It is different to me then someone voicing what they think will be the result of a disagreement when they trully believe it will happen.

After all, if OP is how unhappy at the prospect of spending the rest of his life in London as OP has expressed, how is that going to affect their relationship? You could turn it around and say that OP is giving him an ultimatum on their relationship if she refuses to consider moving knowing that it is likely to severely affect their marriage.

globetraveller

So what is the real story? Its more than just having to commute 30-35 minutes surely. The great social life you have- who has it? You or you and your husband? Do you have any sort of real relationship? Why is he giving you this ultimatum now? You have know about his feelings for years but appear to have done nothing practical about it eg find out where you WOULD like to stay. What is your priority in life? Are you afraid that you could end up somewhere where you have to spend more time with your husband? Perhaps he is wondering and that is why he is giving you the option of staying in London without him. YOu need to stop thinking about move or not move and start thinking about the state of your relationship. It could be just that you both want different things and you are too far apart to make it work. I think you see a future which is not so bright and perhaps husband realises that and is giving you a way out.
PS I never thought anyone in London would complain about a 30 minute commute. I do that every day in Aberdeen and I live within the city!!