If I don't move, he will leave me....

springdreams

freeisgood wrote: »

Thank you for all your comments. It is a painful time, and we have to remain where we are anyway for a year.

I imagined, growing older in London, I imagined it would be good for the children as they became teenagers to be able to go into town with their friends.
I imagined as they needed me less and my husband retiring, then we could go to London together, to enjoy the museums and theatres etc. I imagined that with my husband gets older I would be able to look after him with the comfort that my family and friends and all that is familiar surrounds me, and my work just moments away. And we have wealth of evening/day classes and societies that we currently have locally.
I imagined that having our home here in London, would be a good investment for our children. I have been told time and time again, that once you leave you can never really come back, (because London property prices increase out of context with the rest of the south east).

I am scared of being bored in a pretty house, that none of our friends will ever visit because we are we are just that "too far out".
My hobbies are also quite specialized and I can only do them in London so that would be the end of those unless I come in to town.

My husband saying that being near his beloved hills and country walks would be so worth moving out of London for (but he has an injured knee for the past two years and limps after 1/4 mile) . He wants his dream.

I am Just too practical I guess.

I just wonder if we can find something on the outskirts of London that will not make him feel hemmed in.

You seem to have made a lot of assumptions (I imagined this and I imagined that) without consulting your OH on what he imagined. You say he has been unhappy for a while, yet you still continue with your imaginings ... A marriage is a partnership, and both parties dreams are important. Neither party should have it all at the expense of the other. Marriages that last do so because of compromise by both parties.

Imagine this - if he were to leave you would you be able to cope as a single parent? Could you afford to continue being self-employed? Could you afford to continue living where you live now? Could you still afford the London life and highly specialised hobbies?

And lastly, imagine would you be happy without your OH? Is where you live more important than your OH?

Your children are very young, and so should therefore not be consulted about this as others have said. They will adapt whatever is decided. They should also not be used as a pawn, or turned against their father because his dreams are not your dreams.

I also think the fact that your OH hasn't sold his house to buy a house in the area where you currently live and chooses to rent there instead, but is happy to do so for a place outside of London speaks volumes. It suggests to me that he never had any intention of settling long term near London, and most certainly not in the area where you currently live. You must have known this.

Also, you mention driving into London - sane people would take advantage of public transport, and it would certainly make your life easier if you considered it. I certainly would not want to drive into London, and driving would definitely take longer than using public transport. A journey into London from where I live using public transport usually takes 35 - 40 minutes, which I do every week day for work. By car it takes close to 2 hours due to traffic congestion.

I don't think you are practical at all - self absorbed is more the words that come to mind. How quickly you dismiss your OH's dream, yet think he should pay more attention to yours. With exercise your OH's knee may improve, and the 1/4 mile limp may turn into the 1 mile limp, then the 2 mile limp and so on. When he retires you will still be working. Your OH is therefore likely thinking of the things he would like to do to keep himself occupied whilst you are at work, and seems to believe that he will find enough to do in the countryside. In addition to looking after the children, which he has hopefully appreciated will become his responsibility, it will become his 24/7 world. Surely he should get some enjoyment out of it?

jaylee3

I like to visit London, but I would HATE to actually live there. Would it be so bad to move out? I mean, Watford is only about half an hour on a train into London! And there are many other places 30 or so miles out of London that are only half an hour - or less - into London. Some places in Middlesex and Berkshire and Surrey for example...

You do sound very unhappy though freeisgood. And like you're determined to not move at all. I wish you well.

persa

I couldn't bear to leave London, so I understand your attachment, OP.

I know some couples - yes, including married ones - with two homes. They see each other at weekends. Is that an option? You both get to stay where you feel so strongly, and the weekends become dedicated family time.

Why does ceasing to live together have to mean the end of the relationship?

coolcait

lostinrates wrote: »

Yes, some do. one of my parents would much rather have stayed in London forever. Dh's father and siblings certainly preferred metropolitan living and let the home they had int he countryside the month dh's mother died and only DH has ever considered rural living again.

Its just not some people's thing. Just like city living isn't for every one.

Rural living isn't for everyone.

City living isn't for everyone.

When one person in a couple prefers rural living, and the other prefers city living, it's not an easy issue to deal with.

It's easy to see the 'ultimatum' from the partner who wants to live elsewhere.

It's less easy to see the 'ultimatum' from the partner who is living in the place they want to be, and doesn't want to change that.

FBaby

You seem to have made a lot of assumptions (I imagined this and I imagined that) without consulting your OH on what he imagined. You say he has been unhappy for a while, yet you still continue with your imaginings ... A marriage is a partnership, and both parties dreams are important. Neither party should have it all at the expense of the other. Marriages that last do so because of compromise by both parties.

I have to say I agree with this. I can't believe that in the 10 years together he never mentioned once before a couple of years ago that he wasn't a big city person at heart or that once retired, his dream would be to move. I can't help but wonder if your dreams have led you to go into denial and hoping that this time would never come.

I am also wondering whether the real problem is not so much the issue of moving out of London but embracing change as a whole and it is your anxiety that makes you come up with reasons that don't really hold which probably come across as just excuses to your husband once his frustration.

To be fair on you, different people embrace change differently. Some love it and see them as opportunities, others are petrified by them. If that is the issue, could counselling maybe help to reach the point where you can look at somewhere to live that would please both of you?

One area that I thought might suits both your needs is around Brighton. You have the buzz of the city whilst your partner can enjoy his walks on the Downs and country life. It is not totally removed from civilisation and you are not that far from London.

hazyjo

nickj wrote: »

my mum used to live in sunnyside during the war , she was evacuated there from hackney ,met my dad whose family lived in high lane .
stansted is a huge village,amost a town now , still nice in some places , i live about 20 mins further north in a lovely little village , 1hr on the train from liverpool st , we do tend to have a few days out in london , btbh , it's a great day out , but when you're on the train home it always seems better as the high rises and houses thin out and are replaced by fields

Blimey, 'tis a small world! Isn't it beautiful down those little side streets. I have a feeling I'll be asking for advise on this board about 'where next' when I decide to move. Don't know much about the surrounding areas but think Stansted Mountfitchet or possibly somewhere edging into Hertfordshire will be next on the agenda. No plans to go anywhere just yet, loving my current home!

Really interested to hear where the OP decides to move to (if she agrees to up sticks).

Jx

Morglin

nickj wrote: »

does any one who's made the move from the smoke to the country side ever have the desire to move back ,especially with a young family

Yeah, I did.

Couldn't wait to get out of the countryside and back to a London suburb.:j

Lin

ostrichnomore_2

Sorry OP, e do all seem to be piling on in your husband's favour. That's because you are coming up with 'practical' reasons not to move that are easily knocked down, and we aren't hearing your husband's reasons that could also probably be knocked down.

However, this has little to do with practicalities, and is everything to do with feelings.

He feels he cannot continue to live in the city.
You feel you want to stay in the city surrounded by friends and family.

That's it in a nutshell; the heart of the dispute. Every thing is pretty irrelevant details.

so either you both compromise, or you split up.

Compromises? Running two homes or moving somewhere not quite city and not quite remote-in-the-middle-of-nowhere. That way he can have the peace and environment he craves, and you can still have fairly quick access to the things (hobbies, friends) that you crave.

I live in a town just outside London. The train to London takes 30 minutes, yet I'm five minutes drive from beautiful countryside and villages. There are loads of towns like this. In the town we have cinema, theatre, massive shopping centre, clubs, activities, some of the best grammar schools in the south east, etc etc. I moved here some years ago and it has put me around an hour from my friends and family. I still see them all, as well as making new local contacts. Somewhere like this might be a good compromise for you both?

paulineb_2

I dont see much compromise in an ultimatum of the do as I wish or Im leaving you.

FBaby

paulineb wrote: »

I dont see much compromise in an ultimatum of the do as I wish or Im leaving you.

Unless it is a case of 'we've discussed this for sometime, how much I hate being in London and hope we can move out when I retire and you never said no but now that the time has come, you are refusing to consider it, and it is living me very sad that I am agreed to live for years somewhere I don't like yet you are not prepared to do the same, so I don't know where this leaves us'.

I think this kind of situation is the type to be a case of different perception.