If I don't move, he will leave me....

freeisgood

I am married to a man who is quite a lot older than me so he will be retiring within the next few years, we have two young children.

I know he has hated london for a long time, but we have met and lived in the London suburbs for 10 years, now. He has got to the point where he wants to move out of london. Unless we can buy a detached house, surrounded by greenery (which we can't as too expensive), he wants out of London.

Now, I drive to work 10 mins away, I am part time self employed, our kids are at an outstanding primary school, my family and freinds are nearby, all my hobbies are a few moments away....you get my point. My whole life and kids lives are here.

I would put up with living in a modest 3 bed semi to keep what we have.
My husband hates London, hates suburbia, absolutely hats semi's, and keeps on suggesting hertfordshire, bedfordshire, chilerns etc. Even these he sees as a compromise, as he would prefer somerset etc...

This makes me sick to the stomach as it would mean no London Life, no museums galleries, art classes etc. And a long commute to work.

I am in a weak position, because he has his own house at the moment that will fund the move. We are renting in a different part of north london at present in the area i grew up in. He has told me in no uncertain terms, that if I don't move, he will buy a small house to live in himself and leave me and the kids in London (buy us a small property.)

I want to be with my husband, he can't stand London, but I can't bear leaving London. I feel he is not being realistic, but he says he wants his "last years" in a place he wants to be! Yeah, the next 30 yrs!

I am seriously depressed over this, it is affecting my work, I just stay in bed when I can. I am shaking just typing this.

We are in stale mate at the mo.

But I know it is my own problem and no one elses, just good to get it out!

cte1111

Heck, what a difficult situation. I think the big problem is that your husband has threatened to leave you, whatever the reasons.

On leaving London - it is possible to visit at the weekends, in order to go to art galleries, museums and indeed your family. Would you need to carry on working when your husband retires? If so, would it be possible to investigate similar jobs in different areas, that would at least remove one of your problems, e.g. the commute to your current job.

So there are ways round many of your reasons for not wanting to move. However, this doesn't mean that you should move if you really don't want to. Did you and your husband discuss long term plans before you got married? Is there somewhere that you would both be happy living?

BitterAndTwisted

Never give in to threats or you're setting a precedent for even more threats coming your way.

Uprooting the kids. Compromising your own potential earnings while you're still young could mean being entirely dependent upon him.

Is there a middle-way? Like moving out to a decent suburb where the kids can complete their educations and then moving out to the country later once they've flown the nest?

lostinrates

freeisgood wrote: »

I am married to a man who is quite a lot older than me so he will be retiring within the next few years, we have two young children.

I know he has hated london for a long time, but we have met and lived in the London suburbs for 10 years, now. He has got to the point where he wants to move out of london. Unless we can buy a detached house, surrounded by greenery (which we can't as too expensive), he wants out of London.

Now, I drive to work 10 mins away, I am part time self employed, our kids are at an outstanding primary school, my family and freinds are nearby, all my hobbies are a few moments away....you get my point. My whole life and kids lives are here.

I would put up with living in a modest 3 bed semi to keep what we have.
My husband hates London, hates suburbia, absolutely hats semi's, and keeps on suggesting hertfordshire, bedfordshire, chilerns etc. Even these he sees as a compromise, as he would prefer somerset etc...

This makes me sick to the stomach as it would mean no London Life, no museums galleries, art classes etc. And a long commute to work.

I am in a weak position, because he has his own house at the moment that will fund the move. We are renting in a different part of north london at present in the area i grew up in. He has told me in no uncertain terms, that if I don't move, he will buy a small house to live in himself and leave me and the kids in London (buy us a small property.)

I want to be with my husband, he can't stand London, but I can't bear leaving London. I feel he is not being realistic, but he says he wants his "last years" in a place he wants to be! Yeah, the next 30 yrs!

I am seriously depressed over this, it is affecting my work, I just stay in bed when I can. I am shaking just typing this.

We are in stale mate at the mo.

But I know it is my own problem and no one elses, just good to get it out!

Can his house buy some where modest you guys could call home at weekends and compromise? While you buy some where more modest that your rent with a mortgage in London or vice versa? Have the best of both worlds?

My husband works in London, we live out of London, some people commute from here but I think they are mad.

zaxdog

I know that you don't want to leave London at the moment but have you really thought of all the advantages especially for your children? I mean London is filthy, dangerous, crime ridden, you can hardly take a deep breath etc. Perhaps you could compromise and live somewhere lovely but take your children for the odd weekend there?

freeisgood

I think the problem is we are both digging our heel in.

We have just had a heated discussion in front of the kids, thats why i posted on line. My husband is a lovely man but very stubborn. Would he really up and leave? I just don't know!


Even early this morning my son asked me , please can i stay at my school as I love my best friend (he is 4!).


I have it really good at the mo, I am angry that my husband thinks that a 30 min or 45 min commute each way is perfectly fine, and that i should be made of sterner stuff, and other people put up with it.

lostinrates

freeisgood wrote: »

I have it really good at the mo, I am angry that my husband thinks that a 30 min or 45 min commute each way is perfectly fine, and that i should be made of sterner stuff, and other people put up with it.

Well, tbh, they do, even across central London, often commute that far daily!

Money_maker

Put it this way. What would you miss more, London or your husband? Answers the question.

freeisgood

I cannot bear the sleepless nights and the stress that the thought of making the kids leave their lovely school is making me feel. I am also scared of living in a detached house with no neighbours, yes , my husband does not even want to live in a town, he wants a house by itself


money maker, good point! LOL. I would say my husband. But, I can imagine moving then having long term depression.

daisiegg

We live in Hertfordshire - 30 mins from Liverpool St and 15 mins from a tube station. It is great. Outstanding schools, lovely villages and countryside, but definitely close enough to London. My husband commutes to the City and we frequently go into town for days or evenings out.

I suppose my point is....have you actually been to and looked at these places your husband is interested in? It is a really difficult situation, but have you given his suggestion a proper chance?

freeisgood

Really Daisiegg?


Because i thought even moving to hertfordshire would kill any prospect of evenings in central London, and i thought driving in from hertfordshire to north London meant hellish traffic. Do you find it a very quiet life, do you find there is a nice community where you are? I am scared i would be bored stiff and feel cut off.