If I don't move, he will leave me....

coolcait

freeisgood wrote: »

Thank you for all your comments. It is a painful time, and we have to remain where we are anyway for a year.

I imagined, growing older in London, I imagined it would be good for the children as they became teenagers to be able to go into town with their friends.

With all the sources of worry that can bring.

I imagined as they needed me less and my husband retiring, then we could go to London together, to enjoy the museums and theatres etc.

That may be your dream. The bit I've put in bold below is his dream. How do the two of you find a compromise which allows each of you to have a bit of your dream, even if it's not the whole dream, without denying the other any part of their dream at all?

I imagined that with my husband gets older I would be able to look after him with the comfort that my family and friends and all that is familiar surrounds me, and my work just moments away.

He may get older without needing to be 'looked after'. He may, sadly get older and need to be 'looked after' to such an extent that he needs to go into care.

And we have wealth of evening/day classes and societies that we currently have locally.

Other places do have those things too. Out of interest, how many evening/day classes do you do at the moment? How many societies are you a member of?

I imagined that having our home here in London, would be a good investment for our children. I have been told time and time again, that once you leave you can never really come back, (because London property prices increase out of context with the rest of the south east).

If your husband needs to go into care in his later years, that might have an impact on the 'house as an investment for the children'. You may find, if you give another place a chance, that you don't actually want to 'come back' to London. If you do decide to 'come back' in the future, it is likely that the passage of time will have reduced the size of your family unit, as chicks fly the nest, and older folks pass on. A smaller property may be within financial reach.

What about the possibility of renting the house in London. Rents there also tend to be higher than elsewhere, so the sums might work out.

I am scared of being bored in a pretty house, that none of our friends will ever visit because we are we are just that "too far out".

It depends how 'far out' you are, and how keen your friends are to keep in touch. You may, if you give them a chance, make friends with people in the new area.

My hobbies are also quite specialized and I can only do them in London so that would be the end of those unless I come in to town.

They must be extraordinarily specialised if you can only do them in London.

My husband saying that being near his beloved hills and country walks would be so worth moving out of London for (but he has an injured knee for the past two years and limps after 1/4 mile) . He wants his dream.

You may be quite hurt that I have pointed out the flaws in YOUR dream. But see how quickly you dismissed your husband's with that little snip in brackets.

I am Just too practical I guess.

I just wonder if we can find something on the outskirts of London that will not make him feel hemmed in.

I don't think that any of the above is about being 'practical'. It's about the things you want (even though many of them are just dreams, hopes and aspirations at the moment, rather than facts) and the things he wants.

You are just as responsible as he is for trying to find a compromise.

Person_one

coolcait wrote: »

You are just as responsible as he is for trying to find a compromise.

I don't think so, I think the person proposing a change needs to make a strong case for it if they want to convince the person who is more than happy with the existing and previously agreed upon arrangement.

thegirlintheattic

None of the 'compromise' places you've mentioned OP are really rural. I think you need to try the compromise and see what happens. While it's not fair him saying you either come with or get left behind, it's also not fair for you to stick your heels in and refuse to compromise.

I grew up in London and never imagined living anywhere else but in my early twenties I ended up moving to somewhere 'proper' rural, and I love it and now can never imagine moving back to London, let alone raising kids there. Yes, I do occasionally miss the occasional theater trip, easy transport and anonymity of the big city but the benefits outweigh the downsides.

nickj_2

does any one who's made the move from the smoke to the country side ever have the desire to move back ,especially with a young family

lostinrates

nickj wrote: »

does any one who's made the move from the smoke to the country side ever have the desire to move back ,especially with a young family

Yes, some do. one of my parents would much rather have stayed in London forever. Dh's father and siblings certainly preferred metropolitan living and let the home they had int he countryside the month dh's mother died and only DH has ever considered rural living again.

Its just not some people's thing. Just like city living isn't for every one.

coolcait

freeisgood wrote: »

...

I know he has hated london for a long time, ... He has got to the point where he wants to move out of london. ...

My husband hates London, hates suburbia, absolutely hats semi's, ...

...he has his own house at the moment that will fund the move. We are renting in a different part of north london at present in the area i grew up in. ...

I want to be with my husband, he can't stand London, but I can't bear leaving London. ..

Person_one wrote: »

I don't think so, I think the person proposing a change needs to make a strong case for it if they want to convince the person who is more than happy with the existing and previously agreed upon arrangement.

I'm not too sure I could be happy with the existing arrangement if I knew that the other person had been so unhappy with that arrangement for so long. That level of unhappiness doesn't - to me - suggest that the agreement has truly been 'agreed upon'.

As a general principle, I don't find myself entirely happy with the idea that the person who is happy with the status quo can simply refuse to change, without putting forward a strong case for maintaining the status quo.

In my view, when there is a clear difference in the things a couple wants, they each have to put forward the pros and cons of their preferred option.

But, having looked again at the OP's first post, I see that they are currently renting the property they live in. The way she was talking about property in London as an 'investment' for the children, I was under the impression that she - or they - owned that property.

They don't. Nor do they live in the property which is owned by the husband.

They live in a rented property in or around the area where the OP grew up. It does sound as if the OP's husband has puts his own dreams and preferences on the back burner for quite some time, to allow the OP to live her dream.

It does seem that part of the issue is about the OP's fear of change as much as anything else:

https://forums.moneysavingexpert.com/discussion/comment/64660893#Comment_64660893

Twiggy_34

I've only speedread through most of the comments on this thread so forgive me if I'm repeating something others have said or am asking questions you've already answered.

Firstly I do sympathise about the position you feel boxed into, certainly sounds like your hubby is a very stubborn man! I was wondering though, is this a new revelation or has he always indicated that he would want to retire to the countryside?

As you'll see from my details I live in Somerset and then only in a smallish town, so I have no first hand advice to offer regarding the concept of moving from city life to life in the country. However, a new friend of ours moved here from London only 6 months ago and is absolutely loving it. She made the move following redundancy and fancied a change. She spent the first few weeks talking as though she was going back to London eventually (i.e. years down the line), but now she's found a job she loves and has her own flat she's changed her tune and can't ever imagine moving back. She does of course drive back regularly to visit friends and family. The biggest problem she has found is the significantly lower salaries here and supporting herself on a single income. She's made dozens of friends really quickly (she stops to chat to way more people in town than I do on a single trip and I've lived here my entire life lol).

I would suggest a few family holidays/weekend breaks to places on both of your lists of places to consider moving to. You might find you're pleasantly surprised by some of them, same goes for hubby too if you can persuade him to spend some time in your suggestions too! The opposite is also possible and hubby might realise that life/pace wasn't quite what he'd expected it to be.

Do bear in mind that you can get detached properties that are still very close to towns so you may also be able to compromise on this if you find a destination you both agree on. If you're worried that rural or even semi-rural life won't offer enough to keep you occupied there are also plenty of cities other than London that you could move to the outskirts of and have easy access to the city centre. Bristol is one very good example.

With regard to your existing friends in London, some of them might be thrilled with the idea of free/cheap holidays in the countryside!

You also expressed concern at the concept of increasing the length of your commute to work if you move. This was always something I was wary of in the past, especially as I had a mere 5 minute walk to work every day and as such also got to go home at lunchtimes. Then I changed jobs around 18 months ago and I now have a 25-30 minute commute each way and I can honestly say it doesn't bother me at all! It is of course a rural drive, I'm not sure I'd be saying the same if I was having to spend 30 minutes in rush hour traffic around London!!!

Hope you both manage to find a solution that works for everyone

MiserlyMartin

I can see where the guy is coming from. I hate London, it's way overpriced (11 times average earnings to buy the average house), noisy, smelly, dirty, jammed with traffic and foriegners and crime. I live an hours commute from it but I avoid going there unless I have to. In many ways the London effect of overpriced housing is now spreading out to the outer SE and I am thinking of a move to the North - even further away from London. So you can buy a detached house in a leafy lane for a reasonable (compared to London) price. I hate having neighbours disturbing my peace and quiet slamming doors in flats and semi's. A detached house well away from others would be great. Support his desires to move I would say.

barbarawright

MiserlyMartin wrote: »

I can see where the guy is coming from. I hate London, it's way overpriced (11 times average earnings to buy the average house), noisy, smelly, dirty, jammed with traffic and foriegners and crime. I live an hours commute from it but I avoid going there unless I have to. In many ways the London effect of overpriced housing is now spreading out to the outer SE and I am thinking of a move to the North - even further away from London. So you can buy a detached house in a leafy lane for a reasonable (compared to London) price. I hate having neighbours disturbing my peace and quiet slamming doors in flats and semi's. A detached house well away from others would be great. Support his desires to move I would say.

Fortunately not all Londoners are bigots. Some of us are really quite friendly. Even if not all of us were born in this country.

mountainofdebt

freeisgood wrote: »

I am scared of being bored in a pretty house, that none of our friends will ever visit because we are we are just that "too far out".

We've got friends that moved over 200 miles away and whilst we don't see them as often as we would if they were around the corner,we still keep in touch and see them fairly frequently.

In fact the last time we saw them it was for a birthday party in which we drove up on the saturday and then drove back on the sunday.

If they're true friends, distance would be no object