The Trials & Tribulations of Trying to Conceive when its just not happening (12m+)

codemonkey

frozenpenguin wrote: »

Ooh code the cheesecake place sounds amazing! Is it in the centre? :-) x

FP - its in Corstorphine - you get a 12, 26 or 31 bus there and its a couple of stops past the zoo. It's called the Original Edinburgh Cheesecake Company.

tea_lover

Random post alert...

Just had a lovely thank you from a friend for a homemade gift I sent for their new baby. Last night had some lovely cuddles with the 11 month old of some other friends and a chat with their v funny 4 yr old. We (OH and I) treated them to dinner (nothing fancy) and they really appreciated it. Will be spending time with my fantastic 12yr old niece this weekend.

It's nice to have children in my life, in different ways. It's nice to have disposable income to be able to enjoy treating them (not in a patronising way!) It's nice to have the time to enjoy hobbies such as making the gifts.

Sometimes I think I see a glimmer of light at the end of this sh***y tunnel.... so long as I don't think too hard.

Part_Mouse

Tea its lovely to hear you've got children in your life that you can enjoy its those moments of a wee light that keep us going.

pinkteapot

I sometimes feel like a complete fraud alongside other people undergoing fertility treatment.

My dirty secret is that I can see our future lives either with or without kids. I do want kids, don't get me wrong. But we have lots of non-child-friendly hobbies that we'd give up/cut back on and we go on holidays that wouldn't suit kids so they'd change. Then of course there's the disposable income issue.

We want kids, and the completely different life they bring. But we also like our current lives. We wouldn't be sad to give them up exactly. It feels like there are two very different paths ahead of us but both have their own appeal.

Does that make any sense? I seem to be in a real minority. On another fertility forum I read, someone commented recently that they can't see any purpose to their life if they don't ever have kids. My heart broke for her - I've never felt that way so I can't really empathise, but I really worry for her should it not work out.

Prepared to be looked at like I'm a complete weirdo now.

tea_lover

PTP, not a fraud or weirdo at all! Tbh, I could never really picture us with children. We both wanted them (and still do on some level, of course) but it seemed so removed from the life we already had that I could never really get my head round it. Maybe I just have a limited imagination lol.

I certainly don't feel like my life will have no purpose now it won't involve my own children. There are times I'm not sure what that purpose will be, but a lot of that is due to work uncertainties. I do know that I can do good things with my life still, that I can enjoy it, and that I'm glad I haven't cut myself off from small people altogether (although can totally understand the impulse to do that at times).

I do think it hit harder when it really wasn't an option anymore (barring an actual miracle). I think that's similar to the feelings women have when they hit the menopause - I'm sure of lot of them who are very happy without children still experience some feelings of sadness when the choice is finally taken away.

Maybe it's the lack of choice I've mourned, rather than the possible life we'd have had.

Maybe this isn't the thread for these musings.

Maybe I've taken too much co-codamol to be typing in public!

pinkteapot

It's interesting re that 'closure' point. I was talking to a friend who can't conceive naturally. They tried IVF but it didn't work. As we're unexplained infertility, there's always the chance it'll happen naturally in the future. He said that the process will be different for us - he had a very black and white "that's it, it's over" point.

We'd have the same if menopause arrives but I suspect we'll decide we're too old and have missed the moment before that happens. I think he's right that it makes the emotional process quite different for us compared to him (and you).

Apologies to any others if I've upset or offended you. I know we're all at very different stages. Tea's probably right that this isn't the thread for this. Other fertility forums have separate boards for treatment and 'moving on' to keep it apart.

tea_lover

To be clear - I think it's me that might be in the wrong place lol, not any of you lovely ladies currently having treatment

I think it's an interesting discussion, but obviously the very last thing I would want to do is freak any of you out by talking about things not working.... as it's going to work for all of you

Anyhoo.... I will go to the gym now and leave you all in peace for a while :rotfl:.

Part_Mouse

Pink not weird at all. Tbh iv'e never been able to see us with children as iv'e pretty much always known it would be extreamly diffiucult to ttc if not impossible. Even having been through a mmc I still struggle to think I was actually pg,it just doesn't seem possible.7 years of no contraception tells me we won't be lucky enough to even get a chance without a lot of injections as much as I wish that wern't the case.

picklekin

Not weird! I never wanted children, I told my OH this on our first date. I don't know what changed my mind totally. I know I love him and wanted to make him happy, he is so lovely with pets etc I wanted him to have that with a child too. This dream has become all consuming for a while, and its hard for me to see past it but there are times (in the middle of the night) I wonder what the hell I'll do if we succeed!!

codemonkey

I don't think it's weird. I did really want children but I always said that if we knew for sure it wasn't possible, given time to grieve, I'd be able to get on with life. I wasn't prepared for how hard finding out that it was impossible was, and how sad I'd feel that DH never gets to be a dad, because he'd be lovely but I do have some light moments where I'm ok with it all. Which is not to say I don't have some almighty, "not fair" moments too. But it is a relief not to have to track my cycles, secretions and other bodily signs.

Just had a chuckle at Hollyoaks. One of the characters got shot in the ovary (of course), and was told due to an infection, her other ovary might not work either and today she decided to try for a baby, picked up her handbag, trotted off to the doctors (no appointment) and returned with an appointment from the fertility clinic for IVF.